I cant DiDi. I cant enjoy my time here. My kids are having fun but I am under so much pressure all the time to hide and pretend and act as if... Waiting for my turn to finally relax and rest after 3 years of hell. THREE whole years of hell. THREE [censored] years waiting, wishing, hoping and trying... Trying to deal with what he was throwing at me, trying to change, improve, learn, adjust pretend, take care of my kids, my insides and out, my parents, finances, love, hate, disappointments, hope, disaster.
13 years wasted. yes I do have my kids, but my kids suffer. He keeps saying the kids are his world, above all, above everyone. How? That's why he hurt them so much?
I am going back to all the months of terror we spent under the same roof. Disrespecting me, yelling at me, coming home late, lying into my face, attacking me about everything and anything he could think of, making love to me... I WAS going crazy, tiptoeing to please him, feeling weak and lost, confused and sad because I couldnt make him happy, didnt know what was going on...
And then, when I finally knew something was up, I felt cheap or thinking that, because he would "never do such thing". All the guilt dumped on me for finding an easy explanation instead of accepting my shortcomings as patner and wife. I remember his phrase walking down the stairs the day he left "you wish there was another woman, it would make it easier for you but it is not, it is you being a mean person"... And the other woman WAS there for a year already.
Then Dbing. With results. Then disappointments, again and again. Deadlines were not kept, he was confusing me being caring and distant. A year after he left, I gave up. My life changed, I was happy, my heart felt ok. And I fell in love. And then, he came back,for good he said. Couldnt live without me he said. He loved me he said. And then, went off to have sex with her in a nice hotel...
For a month I struggled what to do. My friends here helped all they could. Being honest, supportive, caring. I decided I would try. With a price. And then MC, lying, MC, lying etc etc... Felt like I was inadequate again. Not pretty, not sexy, not kind enough. GUILT GULT GUILT... What was I doing wrong? Work, depression, regrets were his excuses.
People said I was a WAW. I hope now you can see I wasnt "helping" because he was absent. I could feel it and see it. For 10 months he kept coming over on weekends, sleeping in my bed (no sex) and seeing her... On 2-3 occasions I asked for the divorce and we stopped. He was seeing her. I cried, yelled, demanded. He was sleeping with her. Going back now i see the pattern. They had a fight, he would come closer to me. We had a fight, he would run to her. My kids started hoping. My parents as well. I got pressure to let him back in the house. I couldnt.
On August 5th the story came out. Finally, he cant deny anything. We had no chance. Picking up the pieces now. Wishing I could forget every good memory we had together. He doesnt deserve me, he doesnt deserve our amazing kids. But they have him as a father. I dont know how to deal with what I feel now. I dont. I know I will talk to him when I get back, probably hit him, yell and scream, say hurtful things. I know I will not feel better. But I will do it anyway... K
