Hi everybody, It has been a very long time since I've posted. But I'm still here and have been reading up on everyone's thread. Well, I have great news and not so great news.
A lot has happened since my last post back in June.
The House First, my wife and I have decided to buy a house together. We found a property and the house is being belt right now. It should be completed by the end of September. The house is completely in my name since we are still divorced and couldn't get the house together in both our names since she still has the other house. The house is slightly outside of Boston, which to be honest I would have preferred something closer to the city, but she likes it and that is what matters to me. She is planning on moving back in with me once the house is completed
The Engagement to be August has always been a special month for us. It is the month we first met, got engaged and eventually got married. We went together a couple of weeks ago and choose an engagement ring. Although not said explicitly, she tacitly expects me to propose on our anniversary this month (which is two weeks from now). I already made reservations at one the nicer restaurant here at Boston. Got us a private room and plan on proposing there. My wife wants us to get married sometime in March and has already told her family/friends about it.
The Overall situation Right now I have really mixed feelings on what to do. In other words, I am having doubts as if I should marry my wife again - or at least wait another year or so. Here's why.
Emotional Gap - I still feel as if there is a wall between us emotionally. It's hard to explain, but I get the sense that she is still afraid to open up her heart to me. I know she still has trust issues with me and I wonder if we need to develop a stronger bond before we get married again. I know I did a lot of damaged and healing takes time. I just think sometimes that we need more healing and bonding before we make the big jump.
Needs Gap - I am very affectionate and audio-driven (love to say I love you). However, my wife's love language is gifts and acts of service. She never tells me she loves me and hates to receive affection. Each time I try to give her a kiss, she acts like it is gross and disgusting. She tells me she is playing around, but that's the thing - she is always playing around and never really serious about getting that need met for me. I really go out of my way to write her cards, give her flowers, etc and do errands and what not to show her I love her. We were at a dinner one night and I brought the topic up of me being affectionate. She told me that I had to just accept that she is not affectionate and that she was not going to change. That hurts. It's like she doesn't even want to try to make me happy in that regard. I'm not asking for sex or anything, I just want to be able to hold hands, have her in my arms, to be more lovely in public and when we're together. She does show signs at times though. For instance, while we're driving she lets me put my hand on her thigh or my arm around her shoulders. However, right now I feel like I can't be hold her while watching TV or something without her making some comment or her pushing me away. I'm very affectionate and I don't know if I can live without that.
Communication/Understanding/Respect Gap - When it comes to serious conversations, my wife either blows it off or gets offended. Here's an example from today. My wife hates my mom and blames her for our divorce in some ways. They have never gotten along. Well, she told me to not tell me mom we are being a house until we actually move it. Well, I told my cousin who then told my mom. I told my wife about it and she had a fit. She told me that I didn't care about her feelings and that I was selfish, etc. That hurts because nothing is further from the truth. We recently started going to church together, and I told her what's the point in going to church if she is not going to work on being a better person. She got in a very bad mood. Later that evening she called and told me she didn't want me to go to church with her anymore. I told her that we needed to work on showing each other our commitment and care for one another. She told me that if I didn't like it that I can just walk out of the relationship.
It seems like whenever we have a serious discussion about money, the relationship, etc - she either never wants to talk about it or gets easily offended.
Confused and not sure what to do I love my wife a lot. Lately, we've been spending a lot of time together and honestly feel like we were bonding these last few weeks. We still call each other by our pet names and have been very playful around each other. However, I see some red flags. I am beginning to doubt her commitment and seriousness towards the relationships. I can just hear Breton39 saying right now "actions, not words." I just don't know what her actions are telling me. Our love language is so opposite and I hate not being about to talk to her about anything serious. At the same time, I feel like we've made so much progress and I want to save our marriage more than anything. I love my wife so much, but it is as if she is afraid to let me in. The few times I've mentioned this to her, she told me that if she didn't love me she wouldn't want to be spending time with me.
If I don't propose on our anniversary, I feel that I might as well call it over because she will be so devastated and disappointed. I want to marry her - but I don't know if she really feels the same about me. She tells me at times that right now our daughter is her priority and that maybe one day we can be close again like we where when we first started dating. But shouldn't we be there first before we get married rather than hope that it happens. I am willing to do whatever it takes. But I don't know if we are on the same page as far as wanting to really bond and be closer. Every now and then she will make a comment such as "I want us to get to know each other better." But other times her words and actions seem different.
I wasn't planning on buying a house and getting married so soon. The initial plan was for us to buy the house next year and to work on the relationship until then. However, we happened to stumble across this property and she really likes the country. Right now I think it would be better to hold off on everything and simply focus on making our relationship stronger - building trust, spending time together, creating that strong bond. Like I said earlier, I don't really care much for the house, but I am willing to go for it if it means being with my family and having a loving relationship. However, I don't want to get the house and find out that we jumped into the relationship too fast. I would have rather gotten a house closer to my work if that is the case. However, if I don't marry her now and get the house now, I know she is going to feel like I am not serious/get very hurts. I think my odds of getting reconciled will be close to null at that point.
I am so confused and don't know what to do. I really need some advise here. Should I have faith and hope everything works out? Or should I tell her that I want us to wait and risk not getting back with her at all? If so, what should I do about the house situation. My goal here is to not just get back with my wife, but to have a strong, intimate and close relationship.
Help...
Last edited by lovenomatterwhat; 08/14/0905:42 AM.
