Okay, that clears it up better. I never met up with the OM and had an EA...long distance by using the computer, webcam, phone, emails, that sory of thing. But I don't know if it would have hurt my H any more if I had been in a PA. The pain of my betrayal was so bad and the sad thing about it was I couldn't even see what I was doing to him. I had blocked my H out of my life and thoughts until I was engrossed in my fantasy with OM. It sounds so cheap and sick.......and was! But, when I had been on the board for a while, that was how I began to see how deeply I had hurt my own H. It was reading posts from LBH's who talked about their pain and it begin to hit me how much I had hurt him. I think my mind tried to block that out, but I believe I should face it, so I try to allow it to hit me between the eyes. I am so ashamed b/c I hurt a wonderful person who loved me more than life. I messed that up, Deep. I don't think I allow myslef to really ponder how much pain I have caused.
Got to close out, cause I'm not making much sense and I'm getting all teary eyed.
Sandi,
Thank you SOOOO much for sharing this. I so wish that you could talk to my wife and shake some sense into her. Although at this point, even if she woke up from her fog, I would not be sure I have the strength to continue. I feel like I have wasted so much energy and given up so much hope that I have nothing left. Perhaps this is how she felt when she decided she had to go down the path she choose. This is why I honestly feel sorry for her. That she felt she had to pursue a path that she knew would be so guilt-ridden and dishonorable because of the hurt that she must have felt.
I don't blame nor beat myself up for that now as I have done enough of it in the past.
Now I am focused on making sure the boys and I will have the best possible future. That is what I will use the energy that I have left to build hope again for me and the boys.....
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
Sandi, wow. I can't say how much your words mirror almost exactly that of my W. Seriously. She breaks down every time she tells me how bad she feels about what she did, and the pain she saw me in. Said it was the hardest part for her, the look on my face when we had to talk things through.
I can't speak for your H, but I think just hearing your feelings and remorse now is enough, more than enough. My W does not know about this website, but she heard betrayed spouses in our Retrouvaille experience - same reaction. I loved her so much more than ever before for it.
CIPA, the pain will burn out, not for some time, but it will. Be with friends now if you can. Support is so valuable now to get past the first couple of humps ...
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
One thing I learned from my W's reactions which are similar to your W's is that she's operating out of fear.
When she lashes out at you she's doing it out of fear. Fear of being found out, fear of the boy's finding out, the shame the guilt. All of it.
This especially happens to people with low self-esteem which your W has in abundance. Her blaming you was projecting her lack of wanting to deal with her insecurities. It's kind of like a bully. Bullies have low self-esteem and use threats to make them seem "better" than the victims.
There is a saying I ran across on this journey - "Insecure people cut others down to build themselves up".
It's so true.
I think my W is remorseful even though she hasn't apologized for anything. She blamed me for everything with the best of them, but I was detached enough that I knew it wasn't true. Once you stop acknowledging what they are throwing at you and they discover they can't get a reaction out of you, they have no choice but to look inward.
You mentioned how your W was self-conscience about how she was getting fat. Well, if you really wanted to hurt her, that's where to start.
I'm not sympathizing with her at all. I've been through all that crap myself. But I only learned to forgive my W when I learned compassion. Seeing things through her eyes.
MLC is a bitch. Let her mess up her life. You continue to be the rock for the boys.
Prayin' for you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Hey You You make it sound like we'll never chat again and I have a pretty good feeling we will.
I agree, if it's possible for you to be friends or as close to it, try that route. I know you won't be this weekend and she deserves to be in "time out" if you will.
Try this....think about how the boys would want you to treat her. Think of how the person you admire the most for the diginity they display, how would they handle this and her? Act accordingly. In the end, your ability to honestly say "I treated you with dignity and respect you earned as the mother of my children despite what you did" is going to be worth SO much in the end, no matter how this turns out.
I think the other thing to consider is that email....the tactical one about the boys....she didn't really need to email you at all. It was an excuse to make contact and an attempt to open a window to play nice.
Hey You You make it sound like we'll never chat again and I have a pretty good feeling we will.
I agree, if it's possible for you to be friends or as close to it, try that route. I know you won't be this weekend and she deserves to be in "time out" if you will.
Try this....think about how the boys would want you to treat her. Think of how the person you admire the most for the diginity they display, how would they handle this and her? Act accordingly. In the end, your ability to honestly say "I treated you with dignity and respect you earned as the mother of my children despite what you did" is going to be worth SO much in the end, no matter how this turns out.
I think the other thing to consider is that email....the tactical one about the boys....she didn't really need to email you at all. It was an excuse to make contact and an attempt to open a window to play nice.
not that it means much, but I like that post.
good one stronger
Ghandi comes to mind to me anyway ..in terms of an admirable and honorable person with immense love in his heart.
I f you are going to go that route just try and lose the accent a bit. kinda fraks me out. Or I am sure you can come up with one of your own cipa.
Hey You You make it sound like we'll never chat again and I have a pretty good feeling we will.
I agree, if it's possible for you to be friends or as close to it, try that route. I know you won't be this weekend and she deserves to be in "time out" if you will.
Try this....think about how the boys would want you to treat her. Think of how the person you admire the most for the diginity they display, how would they handle this and her? Act accordingly. In the end, your ability to honestly say "I treated you with dignity and respect you earned as the mother of my children despite what you did" is going to be worth SO much in the end, no matter how this turns out.
I think the other thing to consider is that email....the tactical one about the boys....she didn't really need to email you at all. It was an excuse to make contact and an attempt to open a window to play nice.
Stronger,
I am sure we will as well. I almost called you last nite as I was really struggling with the situation and all the thoughts everyone had offered.
I will not see her until Sun evening when she gets the boys, but I do not know how I could even look at her. When I Skype'd my boys, I had seen her on the camera a couple of times (walking by). In my heart, I no longer saw my wife. I did not recognize the person I saw.
Even now, I am hurting really bad, but I need to keep it together for work. I had told my boss I need to leave by 2PM today so that I can get the boys at camp/day care so I will not need to see her. I don't think he was happy about that but he seemed to understand.
I'm thinking of having my lawyer tell her the following: "I do not believe that a divorce is the solution for us but I will not consider working on a relationship where there are other parties involved." And then follow up with the fact that I want primary custody of the boys and various other things.
Or should I make the quoted statement to her in person (without getting into the legalese stuff)?
Or does the statement sound too pathetic/weak?
I do believe she is opening a window to play nice as all along she had said that she wants us to be great friends as we co-parent. I had always told her that it would not happen. If we get a divorce, it will be nasty and mean as divorce is a distructive process. I will not play into the delusion that it can be handled nice and friendly. I believed it then and especially believe that now that I discovered there are other parties involved.
I think my boys would want me to treat her as my wife, the most important woman in my life. She has been for the last 12 years. She said I didn't make her feel that way and have been blaming me for that the past 8 months. That does excuse the violation of the vows and trust. That is crap.
I will not be mean to her in front of the boys, but the hugs, touches, massages, kisses and looks of love will not be there either.
In my mind, she is the babysitter. One that I am trying to fire.....
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
I know about the infidelity and I will no longer work on a relationship when there are other parties involved.
So what do you think, let it go through the lawyers or tell her? I don't think I can do it without flipping out this weekend, but don't want to do this on the phone. Should I just wait?
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
C - I get your mindset right now. After all this crap I discovered my X is a sociopath. She shows no remorse for what she did. No sympathy. That is one of the hardest parts to deal with. I have taken ownership of my part but she is NOT STRONG enough to own up to hers. Like Stuck said. They are too insecure to even begin to handle the guilt of what they did. I also think that is why they cheat because in a sick and twisted way they are too weak to walk away so they do something to hurt us to make us want to leave. In a way she was right because if it wasnt for the cheating I would have probably wanted to keep fighting. Like you I found what they did disgusting and unexcuseable.
Your situation is different though. Your WAW is still NOT sure what she wants. If she didnt care about you she wouldnt have wanted to be around you let alone let you touch her. She is still in a FOG, BUT I think if you started making new "friends" and step up the GAL and mysterious parts then she will "wake up" sooner then later. I'm usually not an advocate of dating before you are divorced but because she is acting the way she is and because shse has shown some signs of jealousy before I would really show her that you are NOT interested in her at all and are starting to build a new life without her.
Once again, it's ALL about CONTROL. She thinks she has you right where she wants you. But, once she looses that control ALL BETS are off. She will most likely really start pursuing you.
At which point you make her work for it for a couple months then suggest Retro. I know you think you dont want to be with her anymore, but you and I both know that's not true. Just the thought of someone you Love so much betraying like that is unimageable. But, she did it and in her mind it might have been for you. Is that sick or what? Using her logic she might have done it to help let you go be with someone you actually Love you. But soon she will once again discover what Love is really about. These sleezes that are using her now will eventually start making her feel dirty and worthless. Hopefully then she will realize getting the ATTENTION from all these men for physical is NOTHING compared to getting the ATTENTION from one man that sincerely loves her. Unfortunately, depending on how screwed up she is it could take years.
So just continue to GAL and getting out more and mentally letting go. Once you do she will most likely want like most of us "want what she can NO LONGER have..."
Oh and about the infidelity claim. Drop it. It's not worth. You have suffered enough. Just let it go. Karma will catch up w her soon enough. Just focus on what's best for the boys. Knowing there mom is a "lost soul" will not help.
Cipa, right now you're in no condition to do anything. You've just been dealt a MAJOR blow.
You have been severely wounded and are lashing out at anything that moves. This is going to cause you to make mistakes. You are fighting for your life. When a man has been injured in battle he retreats, treats his wounds and returns to fight when he has the strength. While he is recovering he builds his strategy to win the war.
You are currently reacting to the situation. This is never good and leads to mistakes. Stop everything that you're doing. Wait for yourself to calm down. Try to distance yourself from the situation. Go back and read your own story. Think of all the things you did for YOU. Rebuild that PMA for yourself and your kids.
As for Sunday... avoid her. Don't speak to her. She WILL try to open conversation or push your buttons. Don't say a word. Only talk to her when you have regained full control of yourself.
Routing for you and your kids.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
