WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

Okay, that clears it up better. I never met up with the OM and had an EA...long distance by using the computer, webcam, phone, emails, that sory of thing. But I don't know if it would have hurt my H any more if I had been in a PA. The pain of my betrayal was so bad and the sad thing about it was I couldn't even see what I was doing to him. I had blocked my H out of my life and thoughts until I was engrossed in my fantasy with OM. It sounds so cheap and sick.......and was! But, when I had been on the board for a while, that was how I began to see how deeply I had hurt my own H. It was reading posts from LBH's who talked about their pain and it begin to hit me how much I had hurt him. I think my mind tried to block that out, but I believe I should face it, so I try to allow it to hit me between the eyes. I am so ashamed b/c I hurt a wonderful person who loved me more than life. I messed that up, Deep. I don't think I allow myslef to really ponder how much pain I have caused.

Got to close out, cause I'm not making much sense and I'm getting all teary eyed.

Sandi,

Thank you SOOOO much for sharing this. I so wish that you could talk to my wife and shake some sense into her. Although at this point, even if she woke up from her fog, I would not be sure I have the strength to continue. I feel like I have wasted so much energy and given up so much hope that I have nothing left. Perhaps this is how she felt when she decided she had to go down the path she choose. This is why I honestly feel sorry for her. That she felt she had to pursue a path that she knew would be so guilt-ridden and dishonorable because of the hurt that she must have felt.

I don't blame nor beat myself up for that now as I have done enough of it in the past.

Now I am focused on making sure the boys and I will have the best possible future. That is what I will use the energy that I have left to build hope again for me and the boys.....