My Wifes MLC

[wifeleft2009]

do you go out? i remember befor my wife left she wanted me to go out more.. some of it is she wants space. not ignoring her just space

[steve_73]

Yeah I do go out.

I have tried to minimise it because she used to get upset. I don't know if she feels that I went out too much and this is her way of getting back at me. I have no idea what is going on really. I never went out to nightclubs or pubs or stayed out till late. I just went to the gym.

I do know that her behaivour is unusual and not the sort of thing a 33 y.o. mother of 2 kids does. I think she is regressing back to being a teenager but I don't know why and I don't know why she hasn't been able to discuss this with me.

I do know she needs space and time and maybe she'll come out of it but who knows what is going to happen.

[d1adsl5a]

Steve,

My wife is doing all the same things. The going out part as well. My wife is beautiful and she goes out dressed to kill. Most times I leave the house before she gets ready because it is hard to look at her before she goes out. I have been able to just stop asking and stop caring about who she is with and where she goes or what time she comes home. However, for the first two months it drove me nuts. I did think she was having an affair the first two months. About 98% sure she isn't. Whether we are together or not in the future, I have no control over it. She is the one making the choices and has to deal with the consequences. I have been doing my fair share of taking care of the kids as well. I have started to go out more. In fact, doing it this saturday. She doesn't seem to care much either. She knows I will be out on a boat with a bunch of people including single women. She actually told me if I can't wait for her to figure things out, that I should go find someone else. She has told me last thursday(because I pushed the Relationship question) that she wanted a divorce. Going on day 7 of "acting" happy around her and not asking the R questions. Nothing we can do but stay the course if we want a shot at this working out.

Good Luck.

[steve_73]

My wife is real good looking too. The thing is I realise now that she has major problems and just focussing on someones looks is stupid.

She is a nice girl as well but she isn't stable and probably never has been and if she feels she wants something she will do anything to justify her actions.

I starting to think that this has been at least as much my fault as hers. We went to marriage counselling and there were flashing lights. We already had a kid and I just thought I'd roll with it.

Now I'm rolling with it as well but it is heading to divorce. She doesn't seem to care about the kids at all. She just wants to go out and party with her friends.

I will not fight with her at all. If she wants a divorce she can get it - all I will try to do is make sure the kids are as happy and well adjusted as they possibly can be.

I know these comments probably don't suit this site but I think in some ways acceptance is a key. I cannot force her to calm down. Maybe by doing all the right things - taking care of myself, taking care of the kids & going to counselling things will turn around but the ball will be in her court. I am not going to sit around, mope and pray she comes back.

[steve_73]

Next update. My wife got home late again - I just ignored her.

She asked if I had spoken to my mum as she spoke to my mum yesterday - my wife is saying that this is all my fault and trying to get as much support as possible to justify her actions.

I stated that I had a different perspective on things. She then asked if I still thought she was going through a crisis and I said yes. She stated she had not been having an affair / affairs. At this point I just said it would be best to leave this to the counsellor.

I think she is starting to realise that her actions are highly unusual. The last couple of days she has been helping out more with the kids (she actually packed their bags today) but she basically isn't home.

The kids are stating mum is never at home / she is always out. Her behaivour is not that of a married woman with 2 kids - pure & simple. There is no justification for her actions.

I'm starting to feel much better because she has sort of tried to blame this all on me (exxagerations & lies) and now it is coming to a head and I think the truth is starting to come out.

I haven't handled this well but I haven't been too bad.

[MrBond]

It really does sound like she has an OM. How do you know she doesn't? Have you checked her phone records or computer use?

[forward]

"She actually told me if I can't wait for her to figure things out, that I should go find someone else."

She doesn't want you to do this.

[steve_73]

It really does sound like she has an OM. How do you know she doesn't? Have you checked her phone records or computer use?

That would make sense though wouldn't it. Who knows - I haven't checked her phone records or computer use. I'm glad I haven't because if I did she would state that I am controlling. She has repeatedly stressed that this is not happening but I don't trust anything coming out of he mouth at this point.

She is erratic and there is obviously a problem. Time will tell but things are looking up at this point in that I think she is starting to see her behaivour may not be normal.

[MrBond]

Her behavior is perfectly normal for someone in an A. Trust me. Checking her records is not controlling. It's protecting your family.

Controlling is when you tell her she can't use the phone or computer. You have a right to know for the sake of your children.

[Dawn of Hope]

It really does sound like she has an OM. How do you know she doesn't? Have you checked her phone records or computer use?

That would make sense though wouldn't it. Who knows - I haven't checked her phone records or computer use. I'm glad I haven't because if I did she would state that I am controlling. She has repeatedly stressed that this is not happening but I don't trust anything coming out of he mouth at this point.

I think it is best to assume that there is OM involved, but I hate to tell newbies that because it is so painful, and sometimes you need to hold onto that hope just to make it through in the beginning. Don't accuse her of anything, don't ask her about it (and keep on not trusting anything she says), and keep in mind that generally snooping is more hurtful to you than beneficial (take it from those of us still trying to erase the images from our memories), but do what you can to protect yourself and kids in case she is having an A (physically, financially, legally...whatever you feel needs to be done to keep her from bringing you all down in a heap).

Accusing LBS of being controlling (or similar comments) is one of the big guns in the MLC playbook. My H couldn't quite find anything to accuse me of being controlling about (because I absolutely let him do whatever he wanted without any complaint or objection after the bomb...but that is another discussion). However, he did accuse me of "stalking" OW, even though all I ever did was to secretly (or so I thought) look her up online. I never contacted her or anyone she knew other than H, never sought her out in RL, never did anything to make her life more difficult beyond working on attracting my H back to the M...I have never even spoken to H of her since the bomb. And yet he accused me of "stalking" her. Yep, apparently your definition of "stalking" is different than mine, H...just like your definition of "love."

So, your takeaway point here is that MLCers see things in a way that makes no sense to normal people, even if they themselves used to be normal; they are not rational, and you cannot rely on them for very much. They board the MLC crazy train and take a trip around the world...and most of the time, it takes them about that long to get through MLC (like a round the world trip on the slow train...80 days my foot! Mostly they get stuck in the Himalayas for a couple of years!).

Peace,
Dawn