WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[Deep]

Ah CIPA, where do I start? Trust me when I say I understand at least some of your pain. And I apologise if I am re-hashing any of my sitch that may already be familiar to some. I vented alot in my thread.

I had around 2 months of being treated like utter dogcrap as she spun into WAW mode. Where nothing I did was right. I was ignorant of what to do then, pursued like mad, panicked like crazy. Ignored the classic signs, did not want to face up to my suspicions of OM, who by the way, was sick enough to get W to actually invite me out to join them for social activities like drinks.

OM was/is a client of hers who offered her part ownership and a job in one of the companies he owned. W was about to go off on a 2 week trip with him through Europe "for work" (that in her own words after I busted her would have been the end of our M if she had gone). I was always uncomfortable with the trip and caught something suspicious during one of the drink sessions. Anyway, 4 days before I busted her and 10 days before the trip, I dated her, held her hands, and asked her to just tell me if something was going on. The usual heartfelt denials. I then held her hands and asked her to respect the M and not betray me and gave her my blessings to go. The way she looked in my eyes convinced me.

Like you said, the emotions in the email was pure hell. Actually she was having online chats that she pasted into word documents and stored in their shared email as a love diary. I caught the last series of exchange. They had it while I was in Church with the kids and our domestic helper and W was "tired". It wasn't just that "I missed you"s, it was the "I SO miss you"s. One of the more delightful parts was her recounting our most private talks, including THAT talk and how I had asked her to respect the M. Every single detail. They actually had a laugh about it, both of them. OM talked about how paranoid and pathetic a man I was, and how he would never sink that low.

Ugh. Have to say that still gets to me today. It was one of the 2 most hurtful memomries from the A. And there have been many of them.

There were a few things that made it different from your sitch. 1, W insists till this day that it was EA not PA. While I don't say it 100% doesn't matter, it really does not make the betrayal one iota less. 2, as miserable as she felt with me, she immediately agreed to stop the A (of course it's impossible, but the point is she agreed), and wanted to stay for the kids. 3, she did go into attack mode and blamed me, but she also said "sorry", and over time, her remorse was very plain to see.

So yeah, for the better part of a year, we went through the "I'm in love with OM but will stay for the kids" sitch, which has its own particular hell although there are positives. I went through some parts detaching (not that I knew what DB was then), some just wanting to walk myself, it sucked big time.

Somewhere along the way, she woke up. Retrouvaille helped a lot, but it took months more after that. Today, things aren't perfect. I still deal with the aftermath, we both do. But in a million small ways, the woman I love is back, has been for some time. It feels right when we connect, when she tells me she loves me, is in love with me, in the haunted look in her eyes when she remembers. The M is changed in many ways, but some of it perhaps for the better.

She played her part (over time) in trying to win back my trust. Forgiving her initially was not so much forgiveness per se as trying to move on with sanity. Then it was forgiving for me. For me, forgiving was a decision as well as a (long) process.

It's different in some ways for you. You are hurting badly from fresh wounds now. Take time to let time do what time does best, and heal yourself as best you can along the way. Many here are praying for you I'm sure.