In Limbo

[d1adsl5a]

Thanks Cat. I am with you that only I will be able to say when I am done. I wanted to give you a snap shot of a letter I found that my W had written to a couple friends that have stopped being her friends. All three were like her sisters. I was quite close with them and their H's as well. After my wife dropped the bomb they obviously judged her. She said some things to them that they haven't gotten over quite yet. I have been doing the work the last 3 months to make my self better for me. Ok, lying a bit, for her too. Her main complaint is that I was controling. I didn't really hear I was controling from her until after the bomb was dropped. She has always had quite a temper. Such a temper that she is on the highest dose of effexor. Such a temper that her friends, family would come to me vs. her because they were afraid of her reaction. I told her that I was afraid too, so when she got mad, I just agreed so that she would cool off.

The letter reads:

"I am 1st going to explain my husband and I so you can understand what I am going through. I am not going to bad mouth him, he is a good person, father and friend. These are my feelings of what I am going through and not his. Control, if very hard to explain and I know you both experienced this in your life at one point or another. Growing up I had a very controlling Father. I was never able to do things like I wanted. I was never good enough for my Father. I wasn't smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, or good enough for anyone. He repeatedly told me this my entire life, still to this day. So I tried to rebel, that didn't work it made my father and I more distant. As I grew older I didn't want to rebel anymore, I turned into the person my Dad wanted me to be. I met Dan and my Father was finally happy with my decision I felt close to my Dad again. I know I loved my husband or I wouldn't have married him, so I think I was. Since we were dating it has always been about him. There is so much I cannot even begin to write it all down. We have tried to work on it for the past 10 years, and I have tried to work on it silently for the past 17 years. I am such a pleaser that I just forgot my feelings and just hoped it would pass. I met so many people that were happy in their marriages that I wanted that so much for me and us but I knew deep down inside I wasn't happy. When I would hear stories of divorce or people that were struggling in their relationships I just wanted to help them so much and talk them into staying together because I wanted that for me. I thought if I kept helping others it would help me in a way and talk me out of what I was feeling.

So now I am almost 40 and I want so much to grow up. I went from a controlling father to a controlling husband never being on my own. This is what I am struggling with. I feel stupid, I have no self confidence in my self. I am a 40 year old idiot in the 21 century that cannot do anything for herself because I was never allowed or able too. I may seem like I have all the confidence in the world on the outside but deep down inside I am still a 12 year old looking for her father's acceptance.

I no longer can live that way. It is killing me. I am saying good bye to the old person I have to for my boys and for my future. I don't know where that is going to leave me within this community, my husband and me and you guys, but I don't want to die I want to live for myself and my boys. I want to be a strong women for my boys and a good mother. And thats what I was doing inside, dying a slow death."

I am not sure how to take this. Is it really over? Is this a midlife crisis? I know she needs therapy. As I said in an earlier post, she is switching therapists because the other one was leading her to divorce. However,that is probably what she kept telling the other therapists.

It is just hard when she says we have been working on it for 10 years. I had no idea. I had no idea that she didn't love me for the last 10 years and she was acting...It is hard that she thinks this is best for our three sons. My sons just want a mommy to love them. They don't care if she works or not. Anyway, my W just got a part time job today. Hopefully that starts her on the path towards fulfillment. I have suggested getting a job before and she just said not ready. Now it is the only thing she thinks will help save her. When she says it was always about me first, I would have to say that I did put the kids before her and sometimes my job. I guess we lost each other over the last 10 years since our sons were born. Today we were talking. She was going through all the friends that she has left. It almost sounded like a highschool girl counting her friends. I said I am still your friend and your kids are here too. Of course, she did take offense to the kid comment. I was just trying help her to see that it is not just about what friends will still talk to her. I know--I should have just listened...

Anyway, just confused by the letter I just found and if I should just stay the course....

Thanks