As for following the 'logic'... that is where the addicts can seperate the two acts as being totaly different in their minds.
He does not 'love' them, he just loves what they do for him.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
Newsflash guys... a woman eating a popsicle in your immediate vicinity does not entitle you to an "icee" as soon as she's done.
Two nights in a row I have declined H's advances, and two nights in a row he has taken care of it himself. Wednesday night H wanted sex and was at full attention, and since he wasn't doing anything other than presenting himself, I ignored him and went to sleep. A few minutes later I feel the bed shaking as he takes care of the situation himself. Last night, as soon as I was finished with my popsicle, he presents his d!ck for oral action and again I ignored him. He retreats back to his side of the bed, we watch a little TV and I roll over to sleep when the show is over. Again, I feel the bed shaking as he takes the situation in hand.
In my head, I interpret his "taking care of business" as pressure/guilt trip. You kow, he has to do it himself since I won't. And last night, as soon as he was done, he's angrily re-arranging pillows, sheets, loudly closing the bathroom door, etc., and this morning was still giving me the cold shoulder. I am so glad to be at work and away from him. I didn't say anything about holding out for a week because a) I just want to play it cool and see what he does, and b) I don't think I should have to give an explanation if I don't want to!
Right now I feel angry and anxious because he's acting like a brat. We leave for a wedding in MI tomorrow and luckily D16 will be along for the ride (it's a 4.5 hr trip each way) and sharing the motel room tomorrow night so that should keep him on his good behavior while traveling. I'm dreading tonight though. I'm really wondering if the MC is going to accomplish anything, I have my doubts.
In my head, I interpret his "taking care of business" as pressure/guilt trip. You know, he has to do it himself since I won't.
Yep. That's EXACTLY it. He *could* always have a conversation with you to find out what's going on. You know, like an adult.
Originally Posted By: SpyBunny
I didn't say anything about holding out for a week because a) I just want to play it cool and see what he does, and b) I don't think I should have to give an explanation if I don't want to!
AMEN to b! Be prepared for your H to turn your withholding sex into You punishing him (which is not true). You're setting a healthy boundary, and H's should always respect that. My H actually had a conversation with me about it when I went through a little dry spell...and he was patient and so I was interested more quickly than if he'd been presenting his boner to me all day every day.
Perhaps you could begin to go to MC with a sense of curiosity? Like, "I wonder what this will be like and what H is going to say?" You might want to make notes if you haven't about what you want to bring up.
Any MC worth anything will set boundaries and will intervene if your H tries to take control of the situation. Your H is going to try his best to keep you "Bunny under his thumb," instead of "Bunny, Independent." If he starts to get ugly--at MC or anywhere--imagine him wearing a turtle or duck's head like costumes at amusement parks...or for that matter, an alien head.
Actions are all that count. Words are cheap and easy. Keep looking at what H does.
Go to that wedding and Be Fabulous! Find a way to enjoy yourself, and if H acts like a poopstain, roll your eyes inwardly and go back to having fun.
It strikes me he can't be a very happy man if he's all the time trying to control everybody. That's exhausting.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Forget what I said before about trying to save your M. Your H is a pig. You enabled this sick R for way too long. Porn stars are treated w more respect. No doubt about him being a sex addict either. Have you ever caught him humping the couch? Seriously, what the hell is his problem to have to sit there and pleasure himself in the same bed as you? Why, for that matter are you still sleeping the same bed with this "horny junk yard dog". I feel like im reading about a 15 yr old teenage boy but instead this is a grown man and father acting like a puppy that needs to be neutered.
Wow! How did you guys hook up in the first place? I dont mean to sound disrespectful, but guys like that give the rest of us "nice guys" a bad name. Was he always like this? How long has he been cheating on you even before the swinging?
Well, that could have been a worse evening. H and I had very little to say to each other, and now he's in bed and I'm on the couch debating if I want to stay here for the rest of the night or go to my bed. I'm really tired. At least I could eat my popsicle in peace tonight- I made sure he wasn't around when I did And H satisfied his need to see some naked women since he wasn't seeing my naked body tonight- he was browsing some websites while sitting next to me, I'm not sure if he was trying to hurt me or make a point or what, and I REALLY DON'T CARE. Everyone is right- he is a pig and disrespectful and selfish.
Here's the venting part of this post- I was thinking about last weekend's convo- he said the "angry, frustrated" part of him thought that the idea of me moving out was a good one. Angry and frustrated about what? Stifling his recreational f**king? That I'm resisting taking anxiety meds that only he seems to think I need? In a previous convo I pointed out that the IC saw no need for them, and he replied that he knows me better and since the IC only sees me for an hour a week, H feels that he's in a better position to judge. I'm sorry, H, but you don't know me nearly as well as you think you do, and when the he!! did you get a psychology degree???
I'm so tired of this crap and I am so ready to leave. I know I have to try the MC first, but it's so tempting to just start packing! Good night all and thanks for listening, I think I'm staying on the couch- it's pretty comfy after all.
I'm so tired of this crap and I am so ready to leave. I know I have to try the MC first, but it's so tempting to just start packing! Good night all and thanks for listening, I think I'm staying on the couch- it's pretty comfy after all.
Why do you "have to" try MC first? You don't "have to" do anything. Says who? Him?
Also, many people do MC while separated. You don't have to live together...being intimidated.
The "have to" is coming from me to me, to be able to say I did everything I'm supposed to do salvage my marriage. I'm just not sure I want to anymore. I have gotten so disgusted by H, my eyes are a lot more open than they used to be.
Just remember that it is up to you to decide what you "have" to do. What he has done since he "agreed" to MC is enough for me to let him go. No one deserves the treatment he has given you.
In my head, I interpret his "taking care of business" as pressure/guilt trip. You kow, he has to do it himself since I won't. And last night, as soon as he was done, he's angrily re-arranging pillows, sheets, loudly closing the bathroom door, etc., and this morning was still giving me the cold shoulder.
Bunny, this is about control for you H. He is emotionally abusing you by doing this, and right now he probably does not see it. Sex is about him right now and his feeling, not a shared experienced. It is all about him, he can't feel empathy for you, so don't expect him to stop this behavior.
These dynamics are described exactly in the book "The verbally abusive relationship" I hate to mention that book, because there are things in it that I completely disagree with, but in these instances it is dead on.
I fell into this same trap myself when my W started pulling back, to see what I had done to her then disgusts me, but I didn't even know it, I had not the tools or experience to understand what was happening, or how I was hurting her. However, I can now see these like a red flag. It shames me to no end, but I have committed to becoming a stronger better man, and NEVER doing this again to ANYONE. It's something I will need to work on every day of the rest of my life.
The problem for you here, I believe, is it can be that you have been under this type of abuse for a very long time, and you can begin to doubt yourself about it, and start to put the blame on you, rather than were it belongs on him.
I urge you to look into this, for yourself, your going to continue to be hurt until, and if, he can recognize what he is doing.
For me, it took my W's dropping the bomb to flick the light switch on to my behaviors, and I am actually grateful to her for doing so regardless of how our sitch comes out in the end.
(((bunny))) you can do this, your a strong independent women who deserves the best!
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
I just wanted to tell you how GOOD you sound. If you need to see how far you've come, go back and read your first few posts, then go read what you've just written.
I hear a Bunny who knows her worth, who is willing to say, WTF are you thinking?
I hear a Bunny who is not acting like a victim and is, instead, taking control of her life.
IMO, it's going to get worse before it's ever going to get better. Your H is pulling out all of his tricks that have worked before to get you "on board." He will find more. But if you stay in that bubble of, "This is what is okay for me, this is NOT what's okay with me, if you can't live with what is okay with me, don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya," your H might wake up.
I hear such clarity from you about what is okay for you. IT IS OKAY TO HAVE PERSONAL BOUNDARIES! When we love someone, we don't put them in a position where they feel uncomfortable...or where they are being hurt.
Your H just wants what he wants, and he's willing to sacrifice your well-being right now to get it. Remember that.
And like other people have said, there is no "have to" with anything. Only what Bunny needs and wants for herself.
You don't have to make a decision just yet. I'd approach each day with curiosity...Will H be his usual a$$hat self, or will he surprise me and be an acceptable human being? Will H be behaving like a 13-year old boy with his boner as a new, fascinating toy, or will he be behaving like a man? Pop some popcorn and watch the show.
None of his behavior is really about you. In my mind, I almost see him like the demons possessing someone who are fighting against being exorcised. Noooooooooo! they scream.
I like how you sound. Stay in that space, and post here when you need support.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
And H satisfied his need to see some naked women since he wasn't seeing my naked body tonight- he was browsing some websites while sitting next to me, I'm not sure if he was trying to hurt me or make a point or what, and I REALLY DON'T CARE. Everyone is right- he is a pig and disrespectful and selfish. 
You don't "have to" do anything. Says who? Him?