I've been thinking of GIMA and Puppy's responses from the other day. I think that much of what I'm doing is informed by what we went through the first time in 2003.
In 2003, my wife had a bit of a breakdown shortly after we returned from Hawaii in late Feb / early March. She was in therapy for awhile, suffering from depression. Our twins were two at the time. It was a hard time for me too, and I also became depressed. In July, she asked for divorce and moved into the spare room. I went through the emotional roller coaster, went the next day to get anti-depressants (W was convinced I would not do this). I did the usual things - filled the house with roses, ordered gifts from Victoria Secret for her. After awhile, I found all the books and this message board, and DBed my butt off. As we got into autumn, we worked things out.
There are a lot of parallels with what's going on now. We were in Hawaii in May. W has been wanting to go back to therapy. Bomb dropped in late July. Last time, she went and had a tubal ligation in the middle of all this; this time she's had abdominal surgery. Last time, she took a trip to see her father for the first time since she was a teenager, this time she's taking trips to reunite with old high-school friends and high school reunion. So in a lot of ways this feels like familiar territory.
The things that impressed my wife were - I opened myself up to more contact with other people, including the message board - Through the period, I didn't get angry. I was steadfast. And I was positive. When she said she wanted to buy a house for herself, I didn't like it, but I said OK we'll get the down payment out of our investments. We worked through problems together, we still behaved as partners. - I was able to cobble together a PMA and positive state of mind. I started doing things like, picking up dinner from the grocery store deli and have a "picnic" in our family room. Did other things like this, I don't recall the details. Put positive energy into the family and relationship. - This was when the massage thing really started. I read the love languages book, starting thinking about these things, and discovered this was a way we could have some measure of intimacy that she would accept, and this was part of our recovery.
My W had a hard childhood, and has what I'll call abandonment issues. So it made a difference to her through this process that she could still rely on me, no matter what. She said at various times afterwards that what we went through was inevitable, based on her history, and she learned that she could trust me. She also said that I'd done everything right - if I'd done it differently, we wouldn't have come through it.
So, I realize now, that this time, two and a half weeks later, I haven't yet leveled out emotionally, and I'm trying to cram all these learnings from last time in all at once. Yeah, the massage stuff (feet anyway), Puppy go ahead and make fun. The "being there" for her that GIMA whacked me for.
I've got to go, but will be on later. Guys, if you have comments I'm all ears.
Man, I wish I could recover my posts from 2003, but can see to get the search engine to find them. Probably too old.
