Agh! He's detached completely!

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Fantastic....started this morning by reading yesterday's mail, and joy of joys, turns out that the topic my husband's atty wants to bring up is "Removal of Respondent from residence". Doesn't it sound like he's needs to get a piano removed or something, not a human? lol!

Well, I chanced this happening, as I well knew, by asking for a hearing anyways, so it's no surprise, but it's still rude to see it in black and white. <sigh> I really need to find an atty of my own, but they're so damn expensive, and I just got a huge loan from my parents already...ugh. I hate to ask for more, but I guess I have no choice. God I feel like a loser.

Good news that happened today was that I got a major piece of the work puzzle solved and I will be restarting work again on Monday in a new location chock full of PEOPLE, not empty and lonely...yeah!!! Speaking of human, the guy I met there today was super nice and the cool thing is I get to kind of start over because I will be "single" already right from the get go, and so I won't have to get into the whole D thing unless of course, someone asks me about it, and I will tell them. But the nice thing is that is that it whole brand new start and I can make my way anew.

Gosh it feels good to say that. I'm so sick of the drama of this divorce and how personally embarassed I feel about it. I am getting better about it, but still feel so foolish. And I've had to ask people for help all damn week and say the story a bunch more times, which is hard on me. It also makes this D all the more permanant in my head because I feel like if I were to some reason, go back to my H before this D is final, I would feel kind of like a battered wife who goes back to her abuser, you know what I mean? Sheepish, I guess.

While I'm excited to go back to work again, the truth remains that it was in no small part that this career, and being self employed in it, contributed mightily to our upcoming D, and my future homelessness (I will go live with my folks, but getting kicked out of my home here I mean). I have to think, for my own sanity though, that all this would have happened in the future for other reasons, or cumulative reasons, and that I will be grateful it happened so early on in our marriage so I didn't waste time with someone so willing to give it up at the drop of a hat.

Do I still have hope that somehow, he will still come to his senses and "wake up" before the D is final? Yes. Honestly, I would still be thrilled, but I cannot have hope for this because he's been so unwavering in his dedication to the idea of a D ever since he brought it up in March. What if the judge were to agree to send us to back to MC or the workshop? I think it would be great, but think without getting more help for himself, my H will still be too stubborn to hear what others are saying to him and trying to help him, so he won't "get it". It's too bad he doesn't get it, but I have to walk away from him because I have to save me at this point.

Strangely enough, he's the one who started this thing about ignoring me and not talking to me, and now, I'm the one who is continuing it, even though I don't have to, because I truly don't want to talk to him. I don't even have the inclination to do so, and it feels "normal" to not speak to one another now, as weird as that sounds. I guess I've just come to terms with the fact that he's a screwed up loser who doesn't see anything wrong wtih his aberant behavior, so why bother? That, and he's been out every night this week till 10 pm. WTF?

Probably spending time with his ex gf who is probably now his GF again. He's spending a lot of $ in her small town as I can easily see by his bank statements. He's still leaving them around, so duh, I'm looking at them.

Speaking of expenses, I have to do my own personal expenses for the court, and have to do it soon. Ugh. The nice thing is that it is relatively easy to do so.

Got to go clean up, I spent a good hour on the elliptical and burned off a lot of my anger, then finished off the day with a turtle sundae with my good friend at a local custard shop. It was great to see her, it's been too long since we've visited together.