we arent in the same state!!

[MaryEL]

well I had a decent day and ended it with a visit at my parents. Both of whom love my husband, but see his personality clearly.. even they are now suggesting that I give up and move on with my life. But then I come home and read some wonderful posts and I so want to try and wait this out. Is it MLC or are we just not meant to be together??

I did realze that I am ok.. I am not Bipolar, as I was beginning to wonder with the change of emotions daily, hourly.. and sometimes even more often.. I am seeing that it is just my mind trying to get a grip and some control over what I am going thru.
Again thanks to reading some wonderful posts on DB!

One day at a time...

[Virtually_Handsome]

I think it is an empowering moment when you realize that you get to chose to wait it out, or not. You have more control than you realize, at least of yourself.

Speaking of looking good.... it's not just physical... it's also the confidence, the bearing, the whole picture. Though just plain hot doesn't hurt!

[motoB]

Hi, although my W isn't located out of the state, I'm DB'ing with a restraining order put into place between us. I really feel your pain... and I'm with you 100% when you wonder just how they will see it? I was reading your sitch, and your H and I had a lot in common, I too am in the military, and when I was in from sea, or deployments I wanted to be the great guy that the kids loved, not so much a disciplinary figure, or a participant with the daily rigors of having a family and home. I know that's not exactly what you meant with your H... but for a long time when I came home, it was such a brief stay that I got into that "visiting" mode. This really hurt my R because I didn't really ever transition back out of it. I can remember one post deployment meeting where they were telling us that we had been away so long to not go home and change things... let momma run it like she had been. Well I kinda lived by that mantra. It wasn't till last December that my W finally voiced her displeasure with how I was and I changed, but the damage was done and when a huge tragedy happened in our family in March, she really started detaching. I got desperate and became ultra insecure and well you can probably figure out the rest, by July she was gone. She filed for D, and hit me with a RO to get me out of the home. When we went to court for our initial hearing she offered to drop the RO but the judge declined(in part because of MY deadbeat lawyer, and also when a woman alleges violence the court doesn't take it lightly) and put it in place for a year(expires 15jul10)so there's me in a nut shell. I do see her on Saturdays to exchange our 10yo D. So I guess I do have a very(and I mean very) small leg up on you. Feel free to check out all my sitch, and Ill, keep and eye on yours... I don't know if you are religious or not, but you'll be in my prayers. Your not alone, and the people here care... like I said check out my sitch, there has been some awesome advice given to me there... wish I had more for you, but I'm a DB baby like you too.

ps
your not the least bit crazy for feeling this way... its being depressed. My counselor has told me that our sitch is worse then if our spouses had actually passed away. I don't know about that, but yeah it for sure screws you up!
Good Luck, and stay Strong...
B.

[bluerain]

Hi Mary, sorry things have gotten bad enough for you to be here.

Boy, lots of military people on here! My H is in another state, hes in Va and Im in Ak. The changes that you are going to be making are for YOU. Not for him, if you try to change for him, it wont be real anyway, temporary at best. And he will notice, he will be able to sense your improved attitude when you communicate, he will be able to tell you desperation has ended when you stop contacting him, he will notice the changes.

And if he doesnt, you will still be the better person for it. Thats the point of DBing, to grow through this heart rending experience. To make positive changes in yourself and to gain understanding in your M, or maybe in your next M!

And these changes will help you to feel more in control of whats happening to you. Dont forget that you cant make up his mind for him, you cant show him something that he doesnt want to see, or reason with him if he doesnt want to hear it. You cant run his life, but you can run yours, make it excellent! Is there something that you have always wanted to do, but have waited? Learn to ride a motorcycle, go white water rafting, take a cake decorating class! Quit trying to talk sense into him, hell think that your nagging and it will push him further away.

By the way, new car, total dissatisfaction with his entire life, sounds like an MLC to me. As bad as it is right now, it will end, it may take a long time, but he will come to his senses, now you get to decide where you want to be when that happens.

[MaryEL]

motoB and Bluerain,

thanks so much for the suggestions and words of encouragement. I will peak at your sits and comment later.. I have to work today and cant even find the motivation.

MotoB we got the same speach on the let momma run things.. Ironically that is part of the problem.. he is tired of me running his life.. lol although I am anal and controling.. if he wanted any part of the house running back I would have been fine. As long as things are taken care of I dont care who does it.. just that it is done... I am very spirtitual but no so much on religion. I am trying to find a church that works for me but that is a search that we had been on together for awhile.. but thats a different topic.. Yes.. Prayers are definately appreciated. I look to god for answers on what to do with me.. but every road I try to take hits a brick wall. seriously.. going back to college, I cant even get an appt to meet a councilor..lol.. change of job.. not looking good out there.. its almost comical but although I dont really beleive in them.. I have taken to reading my horible scope.. it says that I wont know who I am until november.. seriously, the emailed daily one liners is telling me this LOL.. then of course you all know that time heals all. So I am further depressed at the thought of being in Limbo for months. back to control.. yea I feel out of control. Go have fun and get a life.. who has the energy to do that when you are in a sit that sux!!
ok enough of that!! poor me has to find happy me and GAL! baby steps!!

Bluerain.. I have been putting off taking sailing lessons for years. I have no real exicement for anything right now, everything feels like an incovenience, but I will make the call and schedule myself for the class!! Thank you!!

BTW the new car is the tip of the iceberg.. actually he does this every deployment. buys a new one a few months before and it sits in the garage and he makes the payments, then he comes home and trades it in a few months later. I have just let it go as we all have our personal wants.. But I did split personal finances years ago as he is a spender and I didnt want to be responsible for his bills. He had been doing pretty well keeping the ccds down. He told me that he wanted the D on july 6th.. by yesterday he had spent 10K on a ccd and another 5K in cash.. alot was gambling and also buying big ticket items. and the car was the final kicker..
. I hope that the courts wont make me responsible for 1/2 of this spending spree as my name is not on any of it??

I guess I have to decide if I really want to even wait this out. Even if I decide to take control (that word again) and file myself and move on, I have to wait the time until he comes back due to the miliary issues. Yea NOV would be that time..LOL

This board is really helping with the daily baby steps. I look forward to the postive changes for ME and know I will get their with all of your help.. Thank you for letting me ramble

[MaryEL]

well I just perused bluerain, but there is so much time passed that I will have to read all at a later time. I did read all of motoB and actually found myself feeling better. Not at his expense by any means, but because I think it makes us stronger to be mindful of what others are going thru and to peak out of the poor me mode... ALso all of the wonderful advise he has been given added to what has been shared on my thread.. I am throwing my sad attitude away for now and going to motivate for a good day!

As I shared with motoB.. when I first started reading his post I was jealous that he at least got to have the interactions.. but the more I read, I started to understand what DBing is all about, the more I see that it really is a necessessity to leave them be.. give them their space and GAL..

I will be praying for all of us to have strength thru this.. but know we must keep in mind things fall into place the way they are suppose to but how we deal with them is our decision...
Happy thoughts everyone!!!

[ALJ]

Hi MaryEL,

This is a wonderful site and there is good advice available for you. I am in the same boat as you when it comes to DBing from another state. I am live in NY and my H moved to GA. We have been separated for 3 1/2 months now. I only see him every six weeks or so when he comes to visit the kids. At first, GAL will be hard (I am still working on it) but it will getting easier. There are going to be up days and down days but have faith that the up days will soon outweigh the down days.

The DR book is really good in guiding your actions and how to deal with WAS. I have read it twice already. I will be following your sitch and feel free to check out mine.

Take Care

[ALJ]

Hi MaryEL

Thanks for stopping by and reading my sitch and for the kind words and advice. I am very guilty of what you mentioned about trying to hold on to H through conversations on the telephone. I don't call him unless the kids want to talk to him. When he does call us I try to keep the focus on what he is doing and or I start chatting about the kids. I never mention me or what I am doing unless he asks (which is rare cause the kids tell him everything that I am up to.) Pretty soon there is space and silence on the line and then I can sense that he is getting uncomfortable with it so I say "you better get going" or something along those lines.

I really have to work on ending the phone call first and not trying to make up for gaps in the conversation. It is hard for me though cause sometimes I want to cry when he hangs up because he has turned into such a stranger like we have not known each other for 24 years. One of our issues was lack of communication so I thought my 180 would be to be more communicative with him. DBing is such a fine line to walk so I have to make sure I am keeping my balance.

Enough about me, how are you holding up with your sitch? Have you been getting out and finding fun things to do? It is easy to just mope around and wonder what is going thru our H minds but we can't let it get us down.

Hope you are well

[MaryEL]

AJL.

Yea I am hanging in there. I am really tired of feel so up and down that I want to scream. I am expected to go visit friends a few hrs away for the weekend and I just know I will be no fun. But I am probably going to take the leap and go anyway.

I am so glad I delete the #'s it has made it easier to NOT call. I started to when I was driving yesterday and I laughed at myself as I remember I dont know his #... the I felt a bit of pride that I took control... and laughed, turned up the radio and sang. Not a pretty sound as I am tone deaf but I had fun

I am still waiting for my DB book. but I am seriously going to try to use it to get over all of this. As I look at things I know that i have been unhappy for years and he likes who he is and does not want to make any postive changes... so... I really think I need to give up on us getting back together and just make a life for myself. I am hoping the book will assist me in that as well, as it does seem to have many thougths on finding you and your happiness while trying to give the WAS their space.

I just hope that I can minimize the pain. stop being so up and down and get a grip!! If things are able to work out in the end that would be wonderful.. but I dont think in my sitch I can spend too much time expecting it to. Its not healty for me to sit and hope because my reaction is to get frustrated and angry at the time I have to wait it out and the things he is doing to make it worse.

so happy me is my plan for today.. but I know at some point I will get the joy of running into "Bipolar me" as the day unfolds. LOL

[MaryEL]

HI world!!

I have made a plan and am now going to be forced to stick with it!! I registered for college, something I have been putting off for years.. and.. I went by the gym and signed up for 2 nights per week with a personal trainer...

So now I have to get off my duff and do stuff... lookes like 3 nights a week too... that is a big change as I have been home and in my jammies by 6 pm every night since my H left for his job 1.5 yrs ago.. lol

so Happy me won today and i am soo excited.. I hope this sicks!!