ok well I wont hide it...I'm feeling a bit off and don't know exactly why...
h has been working a bit later...has been tired lately...last sat and again this sat he will be working a longer day than normal. Last night we went to a pty in boston, h parked far away from the actual building and while walking didn't offer me his arm until I was already feeling like a looser walking by myself...at the pty mil put me to work taking pics...just as well cause h was busy off talking to others or just being quiet...the ride home was 1 1/2 + hours of basic silence (h blaming it on his being tired and not feeling well when finally after an hour or so I said "boo") at one point I had pushed in the car lighter to light cigarette h had run out and upon seeing mine asked for one took it and as I was going for the lighter he grabbed it and lit his own leaving me to wait for the darn thing to light again (petty I know but on top of other things these little things seem huge) I said nothing.
at one point in the ride h put on the radio to fm talk...sean hannity kept going on and on about some comment rosie odonnel made to a women who was giving her a hard time...something relevant to the fact that the woman was a liar and if she keeps being a liar she'll get sick again...oh how horrible they all thought rosie was for saying such a thing...what pissed me off the most about listening to this barage for so damn long was that I said the same damn things rosie did to ow!! and I don't feel bad at all for saying them to her. H didn't have a freakin clue...not even when finally after listening to this for an hour said out loud "I said the same things and I am not sorry would say it again in a heart beat..if you live your life like a selfish asswhole your going to get it one way or another" h said nothing...we got to the house h still says nothing...I go take a shower and we both go to sleep.
the end.
h has gone off to work don't know when he'll actually get home..don't know if he made plans with his mother to come up today so that we can leave.
what bothers me the most is I can't sit back and say..ok don't get trapped in thinking neg or that ow is still around..look at how diff things are now...how diff h is now..
truth be told...
h isn't all that different now so there really is no way I would know if ow is around or not...suppose at this point it doesn't really matter..I can live my life and keep myself happy..enjoy him when he wants to participate in life and if someday I discover ow IS still around..well then my life will get even better as I wont have to deal with any of this bs and I'd be free of the nagging pangs of doubt over this r.
