LL, I live three thousand miles away from any of my relatives. So, I had NO family help with my S when he was small...that's why I listed the suggestions of things you could do, because I did them. And, quite frankly, YES...start acting like a single mom...go, do, and see things with kids and use sitter to go without kids...maybe H will get the picture when the sitter bills add up and you are gone a bit more often. And maybe you will feel better..less stuck in a rut, less frustrated, less isolated from other adults. The bottom line is that YOU have to take care of YOU, no one else will or can make you happy. You have to seize control of your own life and make it what you want...hopefully H will see what is going on and decide to come along for the ride... Glad to hear you got some..that always helps! And please, please know I am reiterating all of this because I want you to be happy. Stop waiting for him to change...and change yourself. Do whatever it takes to get out of the house and get some time for yourself. Stop resenting him for being himself...if you had a cat you wouldn't try to make it behave like a dog, and then get angry and resentful when it wouldn't bark, would you? He is who he is and only He can make himself change...you can inspire him to change by changing yourself. Hope that makes some sense and doesn't get me a Na NI NA Ni POO POO...LOL
na ni na ni poo poo!! just cause it's fun to say .
I know that I can and should find a sitter to take advantage of...there is a very nice family that lives next door with a 12 year old girl..I've spoken to her a few times about sitting and she's game...perhaps a sat afternoon for a few hours (h usually get's home by 1) would do me wonders. But then h's slow time IS comming and if it's anything like last year he didn't leave the house til 10am and was often home by 3.
sons pre school offers extended day once a week, today is his first try at it. We'll see how it goes.
life is short and the kids wont be little forever soon enough I'll be wondering why I was so stressed and miss them tugging at me (ya right!) for now I take pleasure in simple things like h gettting home early enough for me to leave before the little one goes to bed, or a new soap or sweater.
I really would love to get back to the gym...they do have a day care for members but I think the schedule conflicts with sons school...I drop him off at 8:30 and pick up at 11:30 wich would be a great time to go as dd didn't complain about waiting in the kids room (day care) for me but I don't think they open til 10 wich would make my work out a rush to get back to son...I can go at night and probably should...going just after putting dd to bed (h puts son to bed) would enable me to get home early enough that I don't feel like the night has been stolen from me and I'd feel better about myself to boot, but ya know how those things work just gotta start.
things are actually pretty good around here...I'm not as afraid to initiate hugs or sit next to h (that comes from his intiating a bit more) and he seems more relaxed. Doing a good job not taking things personally but admit there are still some fears and doubts of trust running around suppose that's par for the course though.
well just wanted to say howdy and keep myself off pg 3 at least for the morning anyway.
just a rant of my wandering mind no real purpose other than to get these pitiful feelings out of my head.
it's rainy days like this that have an amazing abilty to bring me down and start me thinking gee wtf is h really doing all day..it's raining..he no doubt has given the guys the day off..how much book work could he possibly have to do every day...was it not a rainy day that he got caught with ow...now I know it's not just rainy days that give him the ability to run and play...heck he's the boss he can do that anyday...it's just that this is about the time of year (shortly after thanksgiving) that he was finally seen with her by one of MY people. these thought are no good...they lead me down to places where I start to think..gee we really aren't friends are we?? I mean what are we? would h miss me if I was gone? I mean he'd miss the home I provide him with and some of the things I cook but would he miss me? does he need me at all?
of course as is typically the case as I start typing one of these rants h usually calls and changes my thoughts...I don't know what he's saying to the answering machine other than he's on his way out of the office right now and something about getting tied up in conversation with someone (typical on rainy days they all feel compelled to come to his office and chat it up..employees and the like)
I just wonder sometimes if I will ever actually be over all this..will I ever actually allow myself to feel safe and believe h when he tells me I don't have anything to be afraid of anymore.
did have a nice day though the weather sucked and I only heard from h once other than the message he just left (I just didn't feel like running for the phone) went to a mini play group with dd this am and finished the laundry...tonight I have a meeting with the ambulance company..really don't want to go as I'm tired and it's yucky out and the training is for something regarding a level higher than I am so I will learn about something I can't legally practice in the field.
I know that h is busy doing different things during the day and I can't let my mind wander when I don't hear from him as often as I'd like or if it's raining or the wind is blowing east...I just wish I could get rid of the feeling that someday it will all be behind me...including this m.
LL...we are all human...and we can't just toss all our emotions and feelings away....guess we have to learn how to sort them and deal with each one..it is hard to do.
You know what you have to do to keep your sanity with the small kids...keep working on that..my "baby" turns 21 in a few weeks...and it seems like yesterday she was born...so I know it goes by quick......enjoy them, but take care of you Sue
h came home today totally wiped out...but gave me the nicest hug (and didn't break it even when son came along and tried to push us apart or squeeze his way in the middle) and said he's looking forward to going away and doing nothing...just sleeping (dd's been waking us up through the night and way too early in the am) and relaxing with me.
ok well I wont hide it...I'm feeling a bit off and don't know exactly why...
h has been working a bit later...has been tired lately...last sat and again this sat he will be working a longer day than normal. Last night we went to a pty in boston, h parked far away from the actual building and while walking didn't offer me his arm until I was already feeling like a looser walking by myself...at the pty mil put me to work taking pics...just as well cause h was busy off talking to others or just being quiet...the ride home was 1 1/2 + hours of basic silence (h blaming it on his being tired and not feeling well when finally after an hour or so I said "boo") at one point I had pushed in the car lighter to light cigarette h had run out and upon seeing mine asked for one took it and as I was going for the lighter he grabbed it and lit his own leaving me to wait for the darn thing to light again (petty I know but on top of other things these little things seem huge) I said nothing.
at one point in the ride h put on the radio to fm talk...sean hannity kept going on and on about some comment rosie odonnel made to a women who was giving her a hard time...something relevant to the fact that the woman was a liar and if she keeps being a liar she'll get sick again...oh how horrible they all thought rosie was for saying such a thing...what pissed me off the most about listening to this barage for so damn long was that I said the same damn things rosie did to ow!! and I don't feel bad at all for saying them to her. H didn't have a freakin clue...not even when finally after listening to this for an hour said out loud "I said the same things and I am not sorry would say it again in a heart beat..if you live your life like a selfish asswhole your going to get it one way or another" h said nothing...we got to the house h still says nothing...I go take a shower and we both go to sleep.
the end.
h has gone off to work don't know when he'll actually get home..don't know if he made plans with his mother to come up today so that we can leave.
what bothers me the most is I can't sit back and say..ok don't get trapped in thinking neg or that ow is still around..look at how diff things are now...how diff h is now..
truth be told...
h isn't all that different now so there really is no way I would know if ow is around or not...suppose at this point it doesn't really matter..I can live my life and keep myself happy..enjoy him when he wants to participate in life and if someday I discover ow IS still around..well then my life will get even better as I wont have to deal with any of this bs and I'd be free of the nagging pangs of doubt over this r.
a simple phone call of just a few min and also learning that h will be home an hour or so earlier than I expected is enough to take of at least some of the edge?
I guess the problem is I just want the ick feeling to go away completely and worry that it never will.
ok, ok, ok...so some things are different..(ok a lot is different than during our seperation) and perhaps part of the reason that things aren't so extremely different is that h never really was all that gone to begin with and it was me that pushed him away so therefore I am the one who is different.
I think I need to just get away and regroup and get out of this train of thinking so damn much...perhaps I read too many threads over the past couple of days.
.