Has anyone seen my get-up-and-go?

[mishka422]

Hi Dawn, well I agree with Sara, just ask him. Can you email him if you do not wish to do face to face.
As for the rest well you know the ropes, be prepared for the answer to be no.
I wish I could find the words to help you lift yourself from this black cloud you live under. I suffered severe depression when my x left, hospitalized on quite a few occassions. I understand all the feelings you have,I had them too. I had drugs and councelling but short term and more often than not I didn't take the pills. My Dr. agreed afterwards that they didn't help me much due to the nature of my depression.
So I can only say that I am here b/c of my kids I guess and my faith although that took a beating.
I will hold you in my prayers because life truly is a gift and it is only our choice if we use it or abuse it.
Dawn I really hope you can get the meds you need -if you know they will help you live a better quality life can you not give up other things so you can afford the meds. You are obviously a talented lady please know that you deserve a life as much as anyone else. Hugs

Now that I can agree with...wholeheartedly.

[Dawn of Hope]

Thanks, guys. I really appreciate all of you. I particularly appreciate prayers. I will bite the bullet and email him about the insurance, and about a couple of other business matters I think he should know about (like the pool) while I'm at it.

I was reading yesterday that the use of antidepressants doubled in the decade from 1996 to 2005 (I think those were the years). Instead of 10% of the populace being on ADs, it grew to 20%, across the board for all groups except African-Americans. (Does anyone else think this hyphenated identity thing is silly? What do you call a person of the ethnic group that used to be called black, if the person isn't American? I know, you call him "Mr. Jones.") I digress.

So the point is that one in five people is on ADs. Lots of reasons...increased acceptance of depression as an illness rather than a character fault, increase in options for treatment, increase in use of drugs in general. The article talked about how psychotherapy was shown to be just as effective as ADs, but insurance coverage is much better for drugs, and also people want to make things easy on themselves, and it is certainly easier to pop a pill with breakfast than it is to actually work to understand yourself and change your thinking and behavior. Heaven knows that if I had access to a pill that would make me happy with no undesirable side effects or other negative issues, I would be popping it five times a day!

Why does everything have to be so blasted HARD??! And can I say that without sounding whiny? If it weren't for my beliefs about right and wrong and God, I definitely would have given up on life a long time ago. And, for the same reason, I sure as heck would have given up on my H...but I haven't. Even though I try not to talk negatively about H, other than here on occasion, and definitely don't knowingly say anything about him that isn't 100% true, I think the only people in my life who aren't wondering why in the world I haven't told him to take a permanent hike, are (some of) those with a really strong faith...and some of those here. So many friends (and all of H's family) have withdrawn all contact with me that I sometimes wonder what H is telling them about me...or what kind of screwed-up value system they have that makes it okay for him to do what he has been doing to me. I don't spend a lot of time thinking about this, but it does pass through occasionally.

Sigh. I wish I knew how to break out of this closed loop. But for now, I suppose I'd better go try to do something productive.

Peace,
Dawn

[Dawn of Hope]

Gee, have I put everyone to sleep?

No major developments in my life at present, just journaling...

I have been making a few tiny shifts in my approach to life. Lately I have been thinking about how stuck I have been (in several areas) for a while now. I have had a lot of problems over the years that are characteristic of depression, including feeling like nothing I do has ever been, or will ever be, "good enough." (The exact meaning of that phrase is another whole discussion; let's just go with it for now.) It makes it very hard to push through and finish anything I start...and mostly I don't even start. It finally occurred to me to turn it around and ask myself, "Do I really believe that God wants me to believe that I am totally inadequate and useless, and that my life is worthless?" And the answer is a definite NO! The God I believe in doesn't operate that way.

The God I believe in creates each person with a plan for their lives, a plan for the good of that person and others. And that means me too. I don't know why it is so hard for me to accept that I am included in that. Yeah, depression, but that's just an easy excuse. I don't believe God's plan involves our long-term unhappiness unless it is necessary to teach us something, and/or cause us to correct our course to be more in alignment with God's will. I keep praying to be shown what I am supposed to do, and for help in doing it, and I am still basically unhappy (although the unhappiness is of three decades' duration). I think, therefore, that either I am being seriously (although unconsciously) stubborn about recognizing that I need to change something, or my unhappiness and feelings of inadequacy are not part of God's plan for me.

This probably seems like a no-brainer to people who don't have depression, but cut me some slack here. I am trying to inch my way out of depression, via brute force and thinking too hard. I am trying to change how I feel by changing how I think. Thoughts drive emotions, but the emotions are like a runaway horse, and very hard to control without a dramatic and long-lasting change in thoughts.

So I spend a lot of time thinking, reading, praying, trying to figure out what to do. I remember hearing something that really struck me: "You will not change...until the pain of changing is outweighed by the pain of staying as you are."

I have gradually begun dealing with some longtime procrastinated projects. Today I sorted through a lot of papers from my desk, and some of the stuff at the bottom went back to January 2007--over 2-1/2 years! I'm pretty organized and for the most part my clutter is under control (thanks to Flylady!), but I have a few pockets of untamed clutter in the house, and several of those are in my office. Well, I didn't have any "Eureka!" moments in today's decluttering, but at least now I can see a lot more of my desk! I find it very freeing to declutter, although sometimes I need a little nudge to get started.

I think a big part of my problem with procrastination and being overwhelmed is that I'm not very good at breaking projects down into pieces that are small enough for me to handle. I am a total Flylady devotee, and this is one of those things she talks about a lot...I'm working on it.

I am going to try to get a lot of stuff dealt with this week so I can clear my plate, because I have a whole lot of work that happens to all be coming in about a week from now. A lot of people want to get married around the end of October this year, it seems, and they all want me to address their invitations at once! I have, at present, four wedding clients and a birthday party client who will all need addressing in the last two weeks of August (envelopes won't be ready until least the end of this week, in all cases)--around 700 invitations total, some of which are double envelopes. Plus, I have two more wedding clients who will need place cards for early September weddings. It never rains but it pours, right? It would be really nice to make some progress on my website, so I'm going to try to get some of that dealt with this week before the deluge.

Okay, I've babbled long enough. I'm going to put away the rest of the items from my desk that need to go elsewhere, and get something to eat, and try for an early (for me!) start tomorrow.

Thanks for listening and following along in my exciting life!

Peace,
Dawn

[Dawn of Hope]

Well, this is interesting. I have been praying for clarity. I feel like I am finally getting some of it.

I am signed up for a couple of daily email quote subscriptions (one is of a spiritual nature, although not specifically religious, and the other is designed for women who run their own businesses), plus "Charlyne Cares" (daily devotional for standers).

A week ago, I had one of those weird moments of synchronicity between my two quote subscriptions.

The spiritual one said this:
"Laughter is carbonated holiness." -- Anne Lamott

On the same day, the business one said this:
"Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it." - Cullen Hightower

Well, that was entertaining, but I thought of it as just a coincidence and didn't put much emphasis on it. Then tonight I was reading tomorrow's messages (one advantage of being awake until the wee hours! ), and was startled by something.

Tomorrow's "Charlyne Cares" was all about how happiness comes from doing God's will, not from any of the other things that people think will bring us happiness. Okay. Then I read tomorrow's quote from my business quote subscription (please take note here: this is my _business_ subscription!), and this is what it said:
"Happiness does not consist in pastimes and amusements but in virtuous activities." -- Aristotle

WHOA! Are you hearing the theme from "Twilight Zone," as I am? Can you envision me saying, "Okay, God, I get it now!"

I think people hear God speaking to them in different ways, so God obliges by tailoring the medium of the message to the recipient. For me, this was a clear message from God. The message I heard was, "Keep standing for your M. It's the right thing for you to do. And you will be happy and blessed by doing this and the other things I ask you to do. I know you have been unhappy for a long time, but that is not my will for you; there is great happiness in your future if you continue to obey me. Stay on target; this is my plan for your good and my glory."

Gosh, I would love to receive more divine messages that are so clear. I am trying not to think about how long I have been telling God, "I need you to make your message clearer to me, because I am not entirely sure I hear you correctly."

Thanks to God for a beautifully crystal-clear message. I am going to have to remember to come back to this when I get discouraged and uncertain!

Peace and blessings to you all...
Dawn

[mishka422]

WHOA!!!!!! Good is at work there!

[iluvme55]

I know sometimes we get a word from God and I have had that experience myself and when you know that you know there is nothing like it ..........God does speak to us in many different ways....I am so honored and priveleged to have God speak to me I cant explain how it feels... but God is an awesome God.....
Since my journey began I have had a transformation inside me like I have never had before....I cant explain it, I just know there is something different...something peaceful.
Glad to hear you heard from him that day....
Be Blessed in Jesus name

[Dawn of Hope]

Thank you, Mishka and Irma!

I am really excited today! If you've been following along, you may remember that I have talked about how my work (calligraphy) has appeared in both the spring and summer issues of a particular household-name wedding magazine this year (even you gentlemen have probably heard of it).

Well, today I got an email from a fellow calligrapher, one whose work I have admired for years, who has appeared in this magazine multiple times and is much more well-known in the wedding industry than I am...and she said she saw my work in the magazine, liked it, and wants to talk to me about sending me some of her overflow business! WOO HOO! We have exchanged a flurry of emails today, and so far everything looks good!

I am not counting my chickens yet, but this has given me a BIG boost in how I feel about myself, and in my hopes for the future! It was funny...I read through her initial email to me, and I felt my face break into this huge grin, and the first thing that went through my head was, "Thank you, Lord!"

I am going to work on keeping up with the gratitude and focusing on the positive!

Thank you all for sticking with me through good times and bad!

Peace,
Dawn

[iluvme55]

No need for thank you's at least not from me......I am so glad to hear of your future work coming your way...the favor of God is always good and they say WHEN WE ARE DOWN TO NOTHING, GOD IS UP TO SOMETHING and that is so true.....I have had the most wonderful last few weeks with my Lord so much FAVOR has come my way.......I am fixing to move out on my own with my 14 yr old daughter my husband and I have God worked it all out in 2 days from when I applied at an apartment for us...he worked it all out...the light...the cable and internet of course. and my husband finally sent me some money.....that in itself is a miracle....who knows you might be famous one day.....
Heavenly father I ask in Jesus mighty name for your favor for this friend of mine.there is nothing like really knowing him.the peace we have and the joy i cant explain it,
our God is an awsome.i do know that I have fully forgiven them both i dont want to be bitter.better is alwAYS BETTER.PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR SPEAKING DUMB MY ABIEN MUST OF KICKED IN GOING TRI BED

[mishka422]

WOOOO HOOOOO!!!!!!!!

That is so awesome!!!!!!

[kat727]

That is wonderful Dawn! I am so happy for you. Keep going the way you are and you may be surprised by your blessings.

kat