just a rant of my wandering mind no real purpose other than to get these pitiful feelings out of my head.
it's rainy days like this that have an amazing abilty to bring me down and start me thinking gee wtf is h really doing all day..it's raining..he no doubt has given the guys the day off..how much book work could he possibly have to do every day...was it not a rainy day that he got caught with ow...now I know it's not just rainy days that give him the ability to run and play...heck he's the boss he can do that anyday...it's just that this is about the time of year (shortly after thanksgiving) that he was finally seen with her by one of MY people. these thought are no good...they lead me down to places where I start to think..gee we really aren't friends are we?? I mean what are we? would h miss me if I was gone? I mean he'd miss the home I provide him with and some of the things I cook but would he miss me? does he need me at all?
of course as is typically the case as I start typing one of these rants h usually calls and changes my thoughts...I don't know what he's saying to the answering machine other than he's on his way out of the office right now and something about getting tied up in conversation with someone (typical on rainy days they all feel compelled to come to his office and chat it up..employees and the like)
I just wonder sometimes if I will ever actually be over all this..will I ever actually allow myself to feel safe and believe h when he tells me I don't have anything to be afraid of anymore.
did have a nice day though the weather sucked and I only heard from h once other than the message he just left (I just didn't feel like running for the phone) went to a mini play group with dd this am and finished the laundry...tonight I have a meeting with the ambulance company..really don't want to go as I'm tired and it's yucky out and the training is for something regarding a level higher than I am so I will learn about something I can't legally practice in the field.
I know that h is busy doing different things during the day and I can't let my mind wander when I don't hear from him as often as I'd like or if it's raining or the wind is blowing east...I just wish I could get rid of the feeling that someday it will all be behind me...including this m.
