Looking For Help

[givingitmyall]

Her response to me this morning was that she was really trying to make this all work. That all we have is not worth throwing away…she wants to save this marriage. I told her that I would be willing to try to save things as well…but she would have to meet me somewhere near the middle. We both agreed. We both also recognized that this is going to be a long and arduous process…it simply is going to take alot of time and effort to mend our relationship.

This IS what you have been working towards. Still lots of work to be done, but you are heading in the right direction. I am sure you know about the piecing forum on here - I would check that forum out as well if you haven't already.

Keep in mind, it took our W's a long time to get where they are/were (ready to walk away), so it's going to take a long time for them to walk BACK. She likely has as many doubts and ups and downs as you do - probably more. She still has to fight through her conflicts and feelings. PATIENCE and Eyes On The Prize.

[Looking_For_Help]

This Saturday, my W and I are going to have our first date in nearly 6 months. She seems particularly excited about it as am I. Last weekend, we had a family mini-vacation out-of-town that went well for the most part. We are progessing one day at a time (cliche moment).

My W is out of town on business this week, so I'm taking care of the kids. The kids have a cold as do I...I hate summertime colds. It's been a miserable week. My W "forgot" to call last night to see how the kids were doing...I wasn't particularly pleased by this and I politely informed her of my feelings. She stated that "they were all at dinner last night." Fine, but atleast take 2 minutes out of your "busy" schedule to check up on the kids...I was thinking. During this conversation, my W also told me that she loved me. What? I can't believe my ears! Does she really know what's she's saying or is she trying to get out of trouble? Very odd I must say. I'll believe it when I see it.

-LFH

[Looking_For_Help]

Well, we didn't really have a "date" last Saturday night like I thought. It was more like "20 Questions" by my W. Her questions to me included:

What do I really want? My answer was for us to be whole again. I told her that I still loved her and wanted us to be together, both for us and the kids.

What if she didn't want to reconcile? I said that I would seek a divorce. I couldn't live in a loveless relationship. I wanted romance and passion back in my life.

If she wanted to reconcile..what would I do if it wasn't working out six months from now? I answered that this was a too open-ended question. If we were both trying are best, I would be patient. If she wasn't giving it a 100% effort, I would file for a divorce.

What would we do with the kids in the event of a divorce? I answered that I would seek at the very minimum joint custody. Since she travelled so much, I would be in a position of getting more of the kids' time.

I asked her what she really wanted. She responded with "I'm still not sure." I was shocked and hurt with this statement. Two and a half weeks ago I reopened myself to the potential of hurting again because W stated she wanted to work on things again, and guess what...I'm hurting again. She's been hot and cold the past 2.5 weeks with her efforts.

She asked for more time to decide what she wanted...till this upcoming Saturday.

She said that she would never file for divorce herself. This sounds like "cake-eating" me. She knows that by not wanting to reconcile, divorce becomes inevitable. It becomes irrelavent who files...it's still the end of our marriage.

This morning it came out that she still loved me and wanted to be with me again, but was unsure to opening herself to the potential of hurt again. I tried to give her a kiss and hug, but she quickly jumped away like a frightened deer. She said that I'm trying to be controlling again.

Anyways, I'm now in a waiting game to see what my W decides upon. She's out of town (w/ kids and their grandmother) while I'm home alone this week. I put my chances 50/50 at best. If she decides to reconcile, she's at risk of putting herself through pain if we fail. If she decides against reconciliation, she's at risk of losing the kids. I think she can be just as controlling as I can be.

Any thoughts out there? How should I respond to her this week during our evening telephone calls? GIMA, Sandi, Coach, and Gucci....I would really like you input. Thanks
-LFH

[givingitmyall]

LFH:

I would back off on pressing her right now, unless you are at a point where you want to do the ultimatum thing. Just have to be willing to live with the answer.

I am certainly no expert like the others you have named. But, I would give her space and time. Her having pull backs is normal. That's the hot and cold. Take a look at another thread I started in the piecing forum and Hope4us' posts:

Is it time to start piecing?

I suspect if you push her, you will not like what she says. But, if you are ok with her response, that's your call.

Keep up your GAL'ing, especially this week while she and the kids are out of town. Hook up with some friends and head out at night. Flirt some. It will help your self confidence. Personally, I try to flirt anytime I get the chance now, but I will not act on it while I'm still M'd. I know others may differ with that opinion, but it's just not me to cheat.

As for her calls this week, I would just play it like the prior conversation about what she and you want did not occur. If she wants to bring it up, then let her be the one to do it.

It's still very early in your's and my sitchs.

[Looking_For_Help]

Hey GIMA,

Thanks for your response! I reached the end of my rope 2.5 weeks ago when I told my W I was ready for a divorce. Since then, my W has been trying (on and off) at working at our relationship. She was the one who wanted till Saturday to decide...I didn't give her an ultimatum...I simply answered her question. But I am ready for some type of resolution.

The thing that really sucks is that I re-opened myself to hurt again. I agree with you that my W is pulling back, but if she still loves me and wants to be with me...what the heck...why not give it a chance? I was willing to give it a second chance 2.5 weeks ago b/c (1) I still love my W and (2) I could tell my kids that I was still trying to end. I didn't have to reopen myself, but I did b/c it was the right thing to do.

This whole situation can go on for a few years if my w is not pressed...it's exactly what my W wants...she's a cake-eater. I simply cannot continue with this rollercoaster ride. My sanity will not survive.

-LFH

[givingitmyall]

Then lead on.

Sounds like you are strong enough to handle it.

[Looking_For_Help]

Hey GIMA,

Yes, giving her the space and time she requests is exactly what I'm going to do. The fact that she still loves me and wants to be with me is a huge revelation. I think she may building up her confidence to make this all work. She's building up her confidence to make herself vulnerable again. I pray that she can. If she can't, we'll never have a rewarding marriage, so what would be the point of prolonging the inevitable?

On the other hand, she may be building her confidence to walk away. If she does this, I think there's more for her to lose, meaning her family and not just me.

I'll try my best with GALing this week to keep myself from being preoccupied with this stuff. I sure wish other folks could chime in and give their opinion.

GIMA...again... thanks for your support!

-LFH

[Looking_For_Help]

Tomorrow is going to be a very interesting day for me...the day in which my W determines whether or not she wants to work on our marriage. Two of my closest friends believe that she's going to want to reconcile. I, on the other hand, am not so overly optimistic. They think it's a positive sign in the fact my W still loves me and wants to be with me. We'll see...I hope they're correct. If not, I'll still be fine (after a good cry).

This evening my W seemed detached from me. I really don't know how to read her anymore. I really don't know how this is going to go down tomorrow. I spent the week praying and going to church seeking strength and inspiration. Another close friend of mine says that I won't be given any more than I can handle and that she'll be praying for me. I'm lucky to have such good friends. She also said (maybe just to make me laugh) that women will be lining up around the corner just to go out with me. She's noticed how some of the prettiest women at our work go out of their way to speak and work on projects with me. I've noticed this too...but haven't put much stock into it.

If my W chooses to work things out with me, I'll do all I can to be the best husband for her. If my W decides otherwise, then there's nothing I can do about it...just take what I've learned from DBing and GALing and apply it to future relationships.

It's in God's hands now.

[givingitmyall]

LFH,

I will be praying for you. No matter what, maintain your dignity.

Be strong.

[Looking_For_Help]

Bad news...she says she doen't want to risk hurting again. It's over. I asked if having more time would help change her mind. She said no...she's done no matter what.

I said that if that's the case, she needs to file for divorce. She needs to bear responsibility for not giving it one last try. I said that I'd bear all responsibility of the relationship failing, but she would have to bear it for ending it. We agreed to alternate weeks with the kids and have all assets split 50/50. No child support necessary.

The reality of this all will definitely be apparent to her the very first time she's without the kids. I told her that I'd remain open to working things out. I literally cried all day long. Later this evening, I noticed that the guilt was starting to get to her...she was crying while giving the kids a bath and later as she went to bed. I asked her which pain she think would be worse...the pain of hurting again if we tried to work things out or the pain of not seeing the kids every other week. I got no answer.

This will hurt for a long while, but I'm in the hands of God now. HE knows I'm willing to do anything to save this marriage. Regardless of how much time I gave my W, she is not ever going to open up.

-LFH