living with the turtle

[cat04]

BM, thanks for stopping by. Keep checking in as who knows what you might find with this group and anyone else that feels like posting.

MB,

Did I snoop? Nope. My H told on himself. The first two times. Well and the second two. Then I snooped. I worked for a PI for a while, so believe me I snooped as much as I could without modern technology. Know what I found? Porn. And cell phone records. That was it. Don't really understand why he hid it but....

But I did do a whole bunch of things wrong. I called OW1, OW 2 and her H and OW 4. Left 3 alone but not really sure why. Would I do it again? In a heartbeat. I just am not the type of person to let sleeping dogs lie in that regard but my reason for calling would be different. It would be to wish her luck for I know the truth. Actually, ow 4, I told her just that. She wasn't the first, probably wouldn't be the last, didn't know what she was getting herself in for and I was going to enjoy watching her learn the hard way. Can we say ANGRY? Now, I would probably just wish her luck. I also let them bother me. I compared myself to them. I tried to imagine what H saw in the that he didn't see in me and tried to become them. Stupid and a mistake because I lost me through all of that. But I am here once more. And more and more each day i am here.

See, I have learned, I don't want to compete with them. I am cute, funny in my own way, very kind and loving, and if that is not good enough for someone, then that is their problem. I like me. I like who I am, and H liked me at one point in our lives too if you can get him when he is human. Sex is sex. It is not making love, it is sex. I really think we all imagine these really romantic rendezvouz between spouse and OP, but I would bet that probably 99% of them are not like that. And even though we all say forsaking all others in our vows, we are all human, and we all make mistakes.

You say endure. Maybe if my H had finished the first time, if we had both learned what we needed to, we wouldn't be here now. But we were not mature enough at that point. H was not ready. I really wasn't either. This time, bomb 1, if I hadn't gotten life and death ill (I actually started preparing for what H would need for S after I was gone), we might be further along. But sometimes I wonder if that was a necessary step for me. H was not ready to drop the bomb when he did. That much I'm sure of. I very much learned through that that certain things had to change in MY life, and I was forced to rely on H at that point in time. I had to learn to be willing to rely on him. So I actually think that bomb 2 was just the next step in the journey.

So what is next? Well, something is shifting. I feel it. I see it. Yes there is mostly calm in our house. H and S used to be close but not so much now. H will figure it out. It is not ideal but it isn't over either. I'm just watching and waiting and being guided. Blessedly guided through this whole mess.