H with 1foot out the door...LONG

[ginab1966]

Well, I did what I was told to do and, since I don't have enough money to buy the book, I went to the library and put it on order. It will be in next Tuesday. So, until then, I will do what I can to come here, put some 180's and GAL's in place, focus on me instead of R and H...and the looming D and pray a lot.

I'm so thankful that I found this community. I made a huge lapse in judgement last night and fell for my husbands trap hook line and sinker. I am not blaming him. He dropped the bait, I took it. My fault. He was incredibly connected with me when I got home. A complete 180 from the way he's been acting. Dinner in oven when I got home, actually ate with daughter and I, put her to bed with me, asked me to watch a movie, and then when we were going to bed, asked me to come in to his bedroom and watch our favorite episode of Star Wars. Within minutes he was holding my hand, rubbing my back, lovingly kissing my cheek....yup..you guessed it...we ended up making love. He was so connected and so emotional and then..in the middle says "I think we need to stop. I don't want to confuse you. I know this doesn't mean to me what it does to you. I just don't want you to get the wrong idea". I knew then that I had falling for the trap and felt so stupid and manipulated and weak. How can he respect me if I don't respect myself. How can he be that intimate and that "emotional" with me and then tell me he doesnt' love me..well, not enough to stay married to me". I was just so happy for the connection that I let my emotions rule and forgot how to DB...ugh...I probably set myself back miles. Well, we have therapy tonight. I have no clue what will happen there. I'm trying to remain positive. I'm sure I'll hear more of the old "She just needs to accept that I don't love her and move on. I never loved her but just wanted a mother figure script. I will try to be strong and not become emotional or arguementative. I would like to bring the sex thing up within counseling though and of course the money thing and him not giving me any so he can save for an apartment while living at home. Both things need to be addressed. But I know he is going to be sooo mad but I have to stand up for myself and not be a doormat anymore.

Wish me luck!!! Gina B