Can somebody please offer this gorilla a banana or something to get him off my chest?
Tough days lately...and just doing all that I can to stay focused and enjoy the present with my sons as much as possible. I took S12 to play some pool last night in Old Town Pasadena - and we had a blast. Almost no one was in the pool hall, so we just played and played for a couple hours - it was just his second time playing - and he was so happy...he even made two shots in a row last night - which was so fun to see.
It's odd, this pain in my chest, it's so heavy, so physical, and yet I know that it comes from my mind, my heart and my soul - it's like all these abstract parts of myself can come together in sorrow - perhaps to give me focus on how to heal? I don't know.
Here's what I do know, though. It's normal and understandable to have my heart ache at the thought of having my S12 leave next Tuesday, and how it will affect him, my S2 and myself. It's normal to mourn the death of my marriage. It's normal to feel anxious about my work, my torn ACL (being immobile for at least a month after Sept 24), my dwindling finances.
And yet, as I feel the sadness and the pain, I remind myself, over and over, that nothing is permanent - that I've been through deep sorrow in the past, and that I've always found a way to smile again - to feel alive again - and to share my life and love with friends and family again. Right now, I'm feel myself pulled by the impulse to go inward - to be an introvert - to disappear - and in the past, that's been okay with me. I used to love my time alone - I would use it to write, to read, to think...and it was fine...I need to find that part of me again - the part of me that was comfortable when on my own - comfortable enough to heal from an abundance of sorrow - and comfortable enough to accept the many emotions that will no doubt flood my heart, my mind and my soul come next Tuesday.
I already wonder how it will be when I bring S2 home from school on Tuesday, and S12 isn't here. I know I'll have to explain it to S2 somehow - make it okay...make him comfortable with not having his brother here. It's sad to me, that S2 already has a concept of "mommy's house" and "daddy's house" - but I think it will help him understand that S12 is at his mommy's house. Hopefully we'll be able to get online and web chat with S12 that day - I think it would be nice for both of them...and for me to some degree as well.
B was odd yesterday when dropping off S2 (she kept him home with her and her mom) - when they dropped him off, her mom got out of the car to bring S2 to me - which was very awkward and uncomfortable - she tried to make small talk with me, asked me about my leg, but I just didn't have anything to say to her - I was polite - just not forthcoming or open - or even very warm. When I saw her, my first thought was: you are the mother that allowed a man to harm your daughter and did not protect her. That thought made me not want to have anything to do with her. I suppose my attitude came across to some extent since, when they picked up S2 from me later in the evening, B came to the door - and her mom didn't even get out of the car...They're such a twisted family...they just keep giving B anything she demands - and refuse to let her deal with the consequences of her actions/inactions. I couldn't imagine living that way - in a world without consequences...but I think they've all had to adopt that way of being because it's the only way they could deal with the harmful, angry, destructive man that is her father.
Okay...enough of that...I'm just dwelling on little aspects of my reality...I've got to let go and focus more on the present now...
