Your first paragraph is the one I hear from most mothers I know..it doesn't help, but it's the same old song that's been sung for years. I have accepted this about my H, but my H is/was better than most. H has taken son for the day, has kept him for an entire weekend while I was gone. Last winter H and both sons went icefishing all day, H does take S3 with him into the woods, if he'd keep quiet my H would take him hunting. My H did/does all the things your H does, but I'm okay with that, too. I am of course a lot older than you so when I decided that I wanted a child, it was because we both wanted a child BUT I knew at that time that H wasn't going to be the perfect father, but he is there for the quality time and did help me out when I needed a break.
This probably doesn't help you at all but it makes me realize what a wonderful father my sons both have, if only my H would see that...
I'm with everyone else on the lack of desire thing what is wrong with your H?
One more thing, a very good friend of mine from high school has been complaining about this since she got married. One child is in the Navy and the other is a sophomore in high school. Her H never changed and never will either. They've been married 23 years and she's still complaining about the same things she did when she was first married. I know this doesnt' help, but do you want to hold onto this for that long? I mean accept the situation or not, but don't let it take your life over.
One more thing, a very good friend of mine from high school has been complaining about this since she got married. One child is in the Navy and the other is a sophomore in high school. Her H never changed and never will either. They've been married 23 years and she's still complaining about the same things she did when she was first married. I know this doesnt' help, but do you want to hold onto this for that long? I mean accept the situation or not, but don't let it take your life over.
Cathy
I try very hard to not let it take my life over and I know that I was much better at dealing with "the life" before the kids and also believed more of the empty promises back then, now h's talk of having more time just seems like more of the same to me...just talk.
as is typically the case when I come here and rant things change.
not to say that the things I complain about aren't real and justified but what spurs the rant often changes when I rant here rather then letting h have it.
tonight I was to go out with my mom shopping for an outfit to wear to a pty h and I will be going to fri night.
I would be able to leave once h "got home and got himself scituated" when h called earlier on his way back to the office @ 2 he said he'd be there til about 5. if he left the office at five and there were miraculosly no traffic he might make it home by 6...getting scituated may mean I don't get to leave til 7..well h just called 4:30ish and he's already more than half way home so I may just be able to leave by 6.
are things terrible here? no could things be better here? I don't think it's really a matter of better but more a matter of more consistant. h goes through cycles where he's attentive mentally and physically and then for whatever reason plummets off to a bread winner couch potatoe.
I'm tired of the extremes wich is why I tried to suggest to h scheduling time for us, time for the family, time for me alone etc. H doens't want to or can't bind himself to something like that therefore it's an all or nothing type deal for me (or so it seems, h never does nothing).
Hi LL...your frustration (especially in the first post) just SCREAMS off of the page. Personally, I think it's TOTALLY justified!!!
But for WHATEVER reason, what you've tried so far to get some changes going in these regards is not working all that well.
Forgive my poor memory, but have you two been to MC? Do you still go?
I don't know how responsive your H is to the idea, but do you think he might be more COMMITTED to some kind of schedule, to SEEING what all of this is doing to you? The uncertainty ?(time of arrival grrr!) the dangling carrots ?(slow time at work)...how MUCH you are overwhelmed with the FULL TIME, primary care-giver, Mothering role (Permission to get a hair cut??? ).
Okay, I'll reign it in now...just feeling for you, LL.
Shiny
P.S. One of the reasons I chose not to have children (and never had the desire) was that I was quite sure I would CRUMBLE under the responsibility.
You ARE familiar with the research study that calculated that a stay at home Mom with small kids (two or three, can't recall!!) is working the equivalent of TWO full time jobs!!!
Maybe you should find the source (it was on Dr. Phil), print the study out and hand it to your H, along with a reasonable schedule for UNCHALLENGED and SACRED LL time!!!
Quote: Hi LL...your frustration (especially in the first post) just SCREAMS off of the page. Personally, I think it's TOTALLY justified!!! it IS justified however it is motherhood
But for WHATEVER reason, what you've tried so far to get some changes going in these regards is not working all that well. it is h's business, he has a few times stated that he'd like to start taking a day off mid week or at least work a 1/2 day mid week. That happend in the spring however as the season gets going and the projects start it becomes difficult. I don't think it's any longer a matter of his not understanding it simply becomes a matter of his lack of ability to do so. The past few weeks he's been blowing out sprinkler systems, trying to get that done so we can go away and he wont have that on his mind...then it's on to clean ups and then if it doesn't snow too much he should be back to the pretty cool schedule he had last winter.
Forgive my poor memory, but have you two been to MC? Do you still go? we did go to a few sessions together but it usually ended up being a pissing match and I decided we could argue at home without paying someone to listen.
I don't know how responsive your H is to the idea, but do you think he might be more COMMITTED to some kind of schedule, to SEEING what all of this is doing to you? The uncertainty ?(time of arrival grrr!) the dangling carrots ?(slow time at work)...how MUCH you are overwhelmed with the FULL TIME, primary care-giver, Mothering role (Permission to get a hair cut??? ). He does see it and I'm sure would like to do something about it (thus the promise of slow time comming) but I can also take part of the blame. I don't seek outside help very often and I do have a bit of an ability to do so, my mom lives close enough and only works til 2 each day...I guess I just have it stuck in my head that h should be the one helping out (sort of to keep it fair) but then again most h's do work during the day, just becuase h is his own boss and can stop for a haircut or to buy a new pair of boots during the day doesn't mean he can come all the way home midday to allow me to. in a few short years both kids will be in school all day and if I don't work (wich I wont HAVE to I'll be able to do whatever I want during the day, as long as I don't forget to take care of the house)
Okay, I'll reign it in now...just feeling for you, LL.
Shiny
P.S. One of the reasons I chose not to have children (and never had the desire) was that I was quite sure I would CRUMBLE under the responsibility.
You ARE familiar with the research study that calculated that a stay at home Mom with small kids (two or three, can't recall!!) is working the equivalent of TWO full time jobs!!! h learned alot about what I do all day during our seperation...I left him alone with his children for the first time ever on that fathers day (he called my cell phone 5 times for no reason, can you say scared?) he is pretty good about helping out when he does get home from work...he showers with and puts son to bed every night, he helps clean up dinner and if I do have someplace to go I don't HAVE to put the kids to bed before I leave..he knows he can handle it.
Maybe you should find the source (it was on Dr. Phil), print the study out and hand it to your H, along with a reasonable schedule for UNCHALLENGED and SACRED LL time!!! that would be nice...I'll work on it.
Shiny btw it seems h has come out of his slump again...he initiated two nights in a row...even during football!!
I was going to suggest you meet/drop off kids w/H rather than sit at home waiting for H to show up. If you do that once or twice, maybe he will get the idea. Just a suggestion.
And, my philosophy on the children thing is "it takes a village" the more exposure they have to others the better for the children. I have so much help from family and friends and really don't know where I would be without them. And, they like the little guy even my nephews who are teenagers. Yes it should be the father's responsbility, but we know how some father's are, they just don't get it!
Quote: I was going to suggest you meet/drop off kids w/H rather than sit at home waiting for H to show up. If you do that once or twice, maybe he will get the idea. Just a suggestion.
great idea cathy, however h doesn't work nearby and depending on where I am going it would take more effort to drive the kids to him just for him to drive them home. I think he got the idea yesterday (I didn't nag or complain that he was going to be later than intented but I'm sure he sensed the dissapointment in me and ta da' he came home earlier)
Quote: And, my philosophy on the children thing is "it takes a village" the more exposure they have to others the better for the children. I have so much help from family and friends and really don't know where I would be without them. And, they like the little guy even my nephews who are teenagers.
well na ni na ni poo poo to you! my family doesn't live all that close and the ones that do are busy most of the time I try to take advantage of them as often as I can though.
Quote: Yes it should be the father's responsbility, but we know how some father's are, they just don't get it!
it was never really taught to h, in his world the mothers did it all and the fathers were the breadwinners and fixer of things..he knows that there is more to it than that..realized it through the sit..but it's still difficult for him to put it in action at times.
Quote: it was never really taught to h, in his world the mothers did it all and the fathers were the breadwinners and fixer of things..
I have one like that, too, and four brothers who are like that. Unfortunately, my brothers had to learn it the hard way..from their wives who are nags!!!
That's why my SS19 has learned from me. I told him once, SS if you learn this now you're going to receive a lot less grief when you get married some day.
Our mothers didn't realize what a disservice they were doing for their son's when they waited on them all the time either. At least your H is early/young enough into this that eventually he will start to get it. At least you're talking to H about it, there are lots who just complain and never ask for the help because they WANT to be martyrs.
Ok LL, not to trivialize matters, but if your H could read the post BEFORE he initiated twice (during football!! ) and the one right after...I think the man would get a clue!!!
Quote: Ok LL, not to trivialize matters, but if your H could read the post BEFORE he initiated twice (during football!! ) and the one right after...I think the man would get a clue!!!
Shiny
ya know shiny, the last sex talk we had or rather argument we had about it..I pointed out to him the correlation...he admitted to being aware of it...who knows...maybe the guy really is just too tired. I dunno..we'll see how long til the next interaction.
).
