In Limbo

[d1adsl5a]

Thanks for your direct commentary. It does give me strength to continue to push forward. I promise to you and myself, I will not bring up the relationship, ask if there were regrets...etc..I actually told her I am going out on my friends boat on lake MI. saturday with a bunch of people. I was on day 6 of being happy, keeping things calm at home.


Until I noticed in our sent file on our home email the following letter to two of her best friends that no longer speak with her. I will just copy the portion that talks about me. I still speak to these two friends of hers. She doesn't know this. They think she is lost and can't understand why she is doing this either....My W has no idea(and will never) that I have spoken to them over the last 3 months.

The letter reads:

"1st and foremost I think I am sad. I am sad because the two people in my life that I was the closest to dumped me when I needed them the most. I have no one I can turn to anymore. I am so lost and alone. I was always there for the two of you. I would drop everything if you needed to talk about what was going on in your life. I felt like we were sisters. I am writing to the both of you together because we have no secrets between us and I feel that you both need to hear what I need to say. Some of this letter is going to sound mean but I cannot help that I need to get if off my chest. I feel this is the only way to get a new friendship back if there is anything left between us.

I am 1st going to explain my husband and I so you can understand what I am going through. I am not going to bad mouth him, he is a good person, father and friend. These are my feelings of what I am going through and not his. Control, if very hard to explain and I know you both experienced this in your life at one point or another. Growing up I had a very controlling Father. I was never able to do things like I wanted. I was never good enough for my Father. I wasn't smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, or good enough for anyone. He repeatedly told me this my entire life, still to this day. So I tried to rebel, that didn't work it made my father and I more distant. As I grew older I didn't want to rebel anymore, I turned into the person my Dad wanted me to be. I met my Husband and my Father was finally happy with my decision I felt close to my Dad again. I know I loved my husband or I wouldn't have married him, so I think I was. Since we were dating it has always been about him. There is so much I cannot even begin to write it all down. We have tried to work on it for the past 10 years, and I have tried to work on it silently for the past 17 years. I am such a pleaser that I just forgot my feelings and just hoped it would pass. I met so many people that were happy in their marriages that I wanted that so much for me and us but I knew deep down inside I wasn't happy. When I would hear stories of divorce or people that were struggling in their relationships I just wanted to help them so much and talk them into staying together because I wanted that for me. I thought if I kept helping others it would help me in a way and talk me out of what I was feeling.

So now I am almost 40 and I want so much to grow up. I went from a controlling father to a controlling husband never being on my own. This is what I am struggling with. I feel stupid, I have no self confidence in my self. I am a 40 year old idiot in the 21 century that cannot do anything for herself because I was never allowed or able too. I may seem like I have all the confidence in the world on the outside but deep down inside I am still a 12 year old looking for her father's acceptance.

I no longer can live that way. It is killing me. I am saying good bye to the old person I have to for my boys and for my future. I don't know where that is going to leave me within this community, my husband and me and you guys and me but I don't want to die I want to live for myself and my boys. I want to be a strong women for my boys and a good mother. And thats what I was doing inside, dying a slow death."

OK so you this is her opinion of me. When she says we have been working on it for 10 years, I have to question what the heck she is talking about...She may think I have controlled her, but I have never stopped her from doing anything. I do understand how she thought I was controlling and I have communicated to her I get it and she knows that I am working on it. In fact she has admitted to others that I have become a new person--However, she remains steadfast in her convictions as you can see above. Would love your opinion on what she is saying in her note above..