so the basic premis that I'm getting from people concerning the "issue" of h not being an equal participant in the caretaking of children is act as if I'm a single parent? live my life as if he doesn't exhist? do what I want..if he's not around get a sitter...don't make plans around him? don't feel bad that the kids don't have much daddy time? don't feel bad about the fact that h was presumably a much better daddy when he wasn't living at home? don't get annoyed when I make plans and then on those nights h just happens to decide he's not going to get home til later? don't get bothered by the fact that I never really do know when h will be home each day? don't get bothered by the fact that I've been given empty promises for years? don't get bothered by the fact that h acted as if this was an issue he understood and was addressing with his homecomming? don't get bothered by the fact that even with baby sitters unlike h, I cannot go anywhere or do anything without someones permission? if I want a haircut and don't want to have to worry about the kid's trashing the place I have to get a sitters permission to do so...if I want to go to the dentist, again I need permission, if I want to or need to go to the doctor (heavin forbid I get sick) I need someones permission. I understand that this is part of being a parent and in no way did I think life would be easy taking on that role (heck I even got a chuckle at one of the young women in my lamaze class stating that one of the things she was looking forward to was not having to go to work...ha ha jokes on her) I just didn't know that I'd be doing the bulk of it alone.
it is extremely bothersome to me that h can come and go at his will. Do what he pleases and what pleases him. I however need permission either from h or a sitter to do anything and that is just not fair!
so let's see what are the issues that no doubt will never go away in this m.
#1 my feelings of being overloaded with the responsibility of the children and thus creating resentful feelings toward h. H's contiuos empty promise of his slow time comming to offer me help further adding to my resentment toward him...gee h you can MAKE the time to watch football and even go away for a weekend with your buddie but you cannot MAKE time for your w to catch a break or at least spend some quality family time together? was it just wooing season when you started comming home? sure this will fade as the kids grow but then it will be h still doing his own thing and me doing my thing not particularly the m I want and in asking h not the m he wants so then why is he walking that path?
#2 h's lack of physical desire. This one has been an issue for so damn long I can't even remember...probably for about 12 years. again when h first started to come home this seemed to not be a problem any more as he was ALWAYS interested...was that simply wooing season...showing me how great it can be? that you can give me everything only to take it all away?
#3 the fact that I may never again trust my h. The fact that I feel like a total worthless pathetic fool for accepting the hell I went through as a part of life. for what? for the kids? for h? for me? dammed if I know anymore.
