Ah ha, here you are. Thought I might find you here, so I decided to wander on over.
I've read through your last posts here, and all I can tell you girl is that I remember the 'From 0-4 Kid Stages.' Jesus, talk about NO time for yourself whatsoever... and then when you do get a moment to yourself, it's a battle to decide whether you want to go do something, clean without holding a kid on your hip, or lay down and SLEEP!!
With your kids at this stage (and the others here are right, it doesn't last forever), your personal time requires a bit more thought and planning. If you get on your H about working less hours or coming home earlier, I'm sure he's going to be in your face over it, hm? You think to yourself, well, that's not fair, why do I ALWAYS have the kids... I never get a break!!
All I can say is if you wait for the 'break' to show up on its own, you're going to be waiting a long time. It's not fair, and it pisses me off that it isn't fair too, but that and a quarter won't even get you a cup of coffee.
So if you want a Saturday afternoon, plan it in advance. Tell your H that you are doing x, y, z on Saturday and you would like to leave the house by a certain time. You need to know if he can be home by then, and if not, what time will he be home so you can tell the babysitter when he'll be there to relieve her. This way, you are not backing him into a corner, but you are making it clear to him that you will be gone and you expect some kind of commitment from him.
And if you want to go out next Wednesday night at 6, ask your husband if he can be home so you can leave by then. If he says no, then ask him what night he can be home at 6 so you can get out of the house.
If you have a class you want to take that is regularly scheduled, talk with him about it in advance and see what the two of you can come up with so you can leave on time.
I thought I'd done the complete round until I saw your post!!
HEY you're still up, come to the party!!!! I'm playing nothing by old rock and roll and some newer danceable stuff...
We have a limo driver (Gripman) all set to take us home much later, of course!...sure could use the company as our hostess has turned in for the night (I think).
So think up a virtual costume, bring a few songs you want to hear and let's go!!!
Shiny
(Now see, if you don't have a thread after this one, how will we contact you??? )
#1 problem with this r is that my h works too damn much!!!
I understand that people have to work..and I knew when I married h that he worked alot. I suppose I didn't realize just how much he worked until having children...or rather it seems that he works more hours now. Could it be that he works more becuase of the children and that I don't work? or does he work more to avoid being home with me and the children..my guess a combination of both.
it drives me mad that I'm expected to be some happy little woman when I am left alone with two little ones from 6amish to 6pm ish at best ever day of the week and then on saturdays h again leaves at 7amish and may return by 1 if we are lucky but usually it is not until later...today it will be 3 so he says wich means later...during the week I can deal with it..after all everyone else's daddy is at work too..but on sat when your kid is looking to play with friends and can't cause there all doing stuff with their dad's it really blows..not to mention the fact that I need a break!!
read sage's thread this am and I must say I am a tad resentfull...heck I've had a gift certificate for a full day treatment manicure, pedicure, facial, lunch, hair & make up etc for a year...ya think I have time to use it? heck I don't even have time to go to the friken dentist! and sure h is after all working..but to be honest anyone who has ever stayed home with little ones knows work is relaxing and heck ya get a coffe break and are allowed to go to the bathroom by yourself with the door closed and no one is trying to put toilet paper into the pottie while you're trying to do your business.
Ya I know they'll grow up but the damage is being done...the resentment towards h for having a life in the world while I'm tired and having snot rubbed on me all day may never go away.
oh and of course you could point out..well he'll be home by three go relax then! ya ok and who's going to watch the kids while h decides he wants to blow the leaves off the lawn? oh well there's always sunday you might say..he doesn't work on sundays does he?? no he just is commited to football on sundays...
ok ok, breath in breath out..go outside with the kids...let son go help the neighbors help their dad..so what...he has fun there and they get a kick out of the little helper that he is. make the most of your day...smile and know that you're going away in a few days and you don't have to let h run your life there..you can and should have a say in how you spend your vacation time.
Having H work M-F daytime is completely normal. Having him work half-day Saturday is not unusual, depending on what his occupation is. And you knew it going in. But, Corri is right about the plan-making affecting both you and him. He has to be willing, if not downright motivated, to accomodate the situation and he should be more considerate of how much you have to work with the household and the kids. Being more open with communication with him is where it begins from.
If you can approach him in a non-threatening manner he may be more willing to realize that there should be a compromise here. I'm a football fan myself, and a lot of guys might disagree with me on this, but I feel that every single Sunday doesn't have to automatically be devoted to back-to-back football watching from 10 AM until 4 PM. Besides, if it's that important to him he could videotape the game and watch it later, or (gulp!) actually miss a few of them in the interests of the kids, the family and you as well.
From the other side of the coin........my W knew the day she met me that I work a lot, too. Monday thru Thursday 9 AM until 10:30 PM, with evenings off only the last week of each month. Her work schedule during the first 2 years we were together was the same as your H's, except on Sat. she didn't get home until 6 PM (6 day week for her, 4 days and evenings for me). Her S went to daycare usually, and some Saturdays he was there, some he was with me. It worked....at first. Later, she wanted for me to stop working the evenings but because of my position I couldn't do it right away. I really missed being able to be at home those evenings, but she came to be more resentful over time and alienated me over it.
When she voluntarily quit working, and was at home all the time is when she really focused on it as a major issue. We planned for me to phase out the evening work, starting with 2 of those nights, then later all 4 so I could be at home in the evenings during the week. With her refusing to return to work, it would have been difficult financially but I saw the importance of the compromise and arranged for others to get the evening contracts instead of me.
But it was too late for her, by then there were other strains so she ultimately gave up and dropped the bomb. For her apparantly, it was too little too late. However, we had been M less than 2 years at that point, and together for 4 and a half.
I wanted to be home more but couldn't right away. By the time I could, and made the changes necessary to have that, she didn't care anymore. Now I have no W and no family.
I'm not sure if this comparison can really be of any assistance to you, but I wanted to share it just in case it may. I guess the key word here is.......priority. Can your H modify his priorities to accomodate the bigger picture? How can you get him to do so while being non-threatening so he doesn't develop any resentment (whether he deserves to or not)?
Make a plan, come up with a strategy, communicate more openly. Teach him to see what changes should be made, and which things don't have to change in his own personal world. BTW, there is a saying that I believe to be true.....you can't teach anybody anything, but you can find ways to allow them to learn for themselves.
Being a stay at home mom is a hell of a lot of work, as you are fully aware of, and your patience has to be incredible to maintain all that while the snot gets shared. And also, someone has to work another job to be able to buy the kleenex. The middle ground can be found when both players keep the family "team" in mind.
Maybe try to get him to see that the "home team" needs work this season.
((LL)) I do remember when my son was small and it seemed all that I did was child care...argh! Don't know what it is like in your locale, but..here are some ideas for ways to get out with the kids...
Art museums often have child/parent activities..check that out, you could go and enjoy some great art while educating your little ones...and yes, they often have preschool activities..call and ask!
Get involved in a co-op preschool...costs are lowered by you going in and helping out one or two days a week... the ups are that you get adult contact and get to be with your kids, too!
Find a friend who has kids the same age....you take her kids one day a week...she takes your kids one day a week... Both of you watch all the kids together another day out of the week, so you two get time alone and time together...
Get your kids involved in some classes...drop 'em off and take the hour or two for yourself...then pick 'em up, refreshed and happy to see them again!
Church's often have preschool bible classes, get your kids into one of them and take that time for you!
Other museums...science, history, etc. have fun hands-on programs that you can do with your kids...get out and learn something together!
ASK for HELP! Tell a friend or a relative that you really need a day off....say what you'd like most for your birthday, Christmas, anniversary gift is some free babysitting!
And don't make Sundays a day that revolves around him, order in food you like...get some legos/toys/color crayons and books out for the kids and let them play on the floor in front of you while you read a book and he watches football....or while you both watch the game...
And ASK your hubby for what you need...kindly, sweetly, but most definitely...Ask!
so the basic premis that I'm getting from people concerning the "issue" of h not being an equal participant in the caretaking of children is act as if I'm a single parent? live my life as if he doesn't exhist? do what I want..if he's not around get a sitter...don't make plans around him? don't feel bad that the kids don't have much daddy time? don't feel bad about the fact that h was presumably a much better daddy when he wasn't living at home? don't get annoyed when I make plans and then on those nights h just happens to decide he's not going to get home til later? don't get bothered by the fact that I never really do know when h will be home each day? don't get bothered by the fact that I've been given empty promises for years? don't get bothered by the fact that h acted as if this was an issue he understood and was addressing with his homecomming? don't get bothered by the fact that even with baby sitters unlike h, I cannot go anywhere or do anything without someones permission? if I want a haircut and don't want to have to worry about the kid's trashing the place I have to get a sitters permission to do so...if I want to go to the dentist, again I need permission, if I want to or need to go to the doctor (heavin forbid I get sick) I need someones permission. I understand that this is part of being a parent and in no way did I think life would be easy taking on that role (heck I even got a chuckle at one of the young women in my lamaze class stating that one of the things she was looking forward to was not having to go to work...ha ha jokes on her) I just didn't know that I'd be doing the bulk of it alone.
it is extremely bothersome to me that h can come and go at his will. Do what he pleases and what pleases him. I however need permission either from h or a sitter to do anything and that is just not fair!
so let's see what are the issues that no doubt will never go away in this m.
#1 my feelings of being overloaded with the responsibility of the children and thus creating resentful feelings toward h. H's contiuos empty promise of his slow time comming to offer me help further adding to my resentment toward him...gee h you can MAKE the time to watch football and even go away for a weekend with your buddie but you cannot MAKE time for your w to catch a break or at least spend some quality family time together? was it just wooing season when you started comming home? sure this will fade as the kids grow but then it will be h still doing his own thing and me doing my thing not particularly the m I want and in asking h not the m he wants so then why is he walking that path?
#2 h's lack of physical desire. This one has been an issue for so damn long I can't even remember...probably for about 12 years. again when h first started to come home this seemed to not be a problem any more as he was ALWAYS interested...was that simply wooing season...showing me how great it can be? that you can give me everything only to take it all away?
#3 the fact that I may never again trust my h. The fact that I feel like a total worthless pathetic fool for accepting the hell I went through as a part of life. for what? for the kids? for h? for me? dammed if I know anymore.
I see you asking many questions and that is good. What I was wondering is this - what do your guts tell you? Are you ever going to be happy because from where I sit, it seems that what you see is what you get. Your H has no incentive to change.
#4 whatever - lmao!
As for his lack of physical desire...what the hell is wrong with this friggin guy...have his eyes been gouged out or what...I thought guys like hot chicks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I see you asking many questions and that is good. What I was wondering is this - what do your guts tell you? Are you ever going to be happy because from where I sit, it seems that what you see is what you get. Your H has no incentive to change. and since he was the one to leave and have at least an ea what possible "incentive" to change could there be?
#4 whatever - lmao!
As for his lack of physical desire...what the hell is wrong with this friggin guy...have his eyes been gouged out or what...I thought guys like hot chicks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thank you!
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