WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

Could it be that we have something to do with this? Does it take two??? Did we drive them to this???? Did we enable this behavior??? My X is screwed up. No doubt about it. Now as a Christian do I just pass judgement and blame her and ridicule her for her actions. Her poor decisions???

PMA

I have certainly owned up to my responsibility to have driven her to that point. I have confronted that demon while I was trying for the past 7 months. I know you have been following situation for a while so you know how hard it has been for me to look myself in the mirror without disgust for myself for what my part of the pain in the family.

But, what I did was an accident. It was not a deliberate decision to hurt her. What she did, was a very deliberate act that she knew would hurt our family. She constantly blammed me and took no responsibility nor accountability to the violation of our vows and trust. She still does not.

Do I feel sorry for her? Yes. She will have to live with the guilt, that no matter how she justifies it, that she cheated on me. She did what her father did to her and to this date has she has not forgiven.

What I don't understand is how I get past this hurt and lost of hope/desire to be with her again. I do know that I have not violated the sacred vows we took almost a decade ago to start our commitment to each other. I have loved, honored and cherished her to the best that I knew how, but it was not good enough for her. I did that through "better and worse".

I acknowledge that this is the worst. She will always be the mother of my children. I love her enough to let her go chase this craziness and not stop or stand in her way to chase what she feels will lead to her happiness. I will cherish the happy times that we have had and the fact that I have 2 wonderful boys.

I do know that I control my own happiness. No one can decide that for me. I will find that happiness and peace for the boys and I.

If she makes the decision that she wants to come back, I will confront that demon of having enough strength/charachter to do that. I continue to pray to God for the strength and wisdom to make the right decisions. If I am presented with that choice, I know He will give me the strength and wisdom to do so.

Right now, I will focus on making sure I have the strength and wisdom to do what is best for my boys and I.

I do appreciate you sharing your internal struggles/battles. Forgiveness is not easy. That is something that I have been asking her for and she has refused. She had said she did, but will never forget. But I had been preaching that forgiving means letting go of the hurt as that was what I had thought was standing between us. I thought when we had our heart to heart talks asking for forgiveness, she was looking right into my eyes. I thought she was looking into my heart, but realize that she was looking past all the guys that were standing between us.