WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

CIPA, why? Why couldn't you forgive her?
I'm working on forgiving my H. I know our situations are different....H and I were definitely separated before he did the crap he did, but really, let's be honest, it's still cheating because we are married.
But why? I know not everyone can, but I was wondering what your reasons are.

If it was just sex/lust it would be one matter.

She fell in love with this guy (the emails are so lovey dovey, just like we used to do when we started dating). She has been lying to my face to her conduct, stringing me a long, blaming me. I have too much respect for myself to be a whipping boy nor a backup plan.

She said she had been trying before she moved out, but how do you try when you are continuing to have sex/love someone else.

[confusedinpa]

I can't speak for Puppy, but what you just found out is NO surprise to me. You wouldn't face this possibility before and then wasted all of this time "working on yourself".

Your WS is no different than most all the others on this site.
The difference here is that you just wouldn't consider it or look into the possibility that she was having an affair...

This is the exact reason that I tell people on here all the time that you NEED TO FIND OUT THE FACTS. You can't know how to reconcile or bust a divorce UNLESS you know what you are up against.... It is silly to have gone on so long and not look into this before much much more intently...

Shame on us for not pushing you more because the signs have been evident. At least you would be one year ahead of your pain and growth...

The only thing that I feel that I wasted my time on was my time trying to attract her back by trying to "date" her again. Everything else I would have done the same for my own personal growth.

I guess that part I should have to DB/reconcile would have been to confront her, but I would not have been looking to reconcile after something like this.

You guys should not be ashamed of what you have done to help. You tried. I didn't want to listen/believe in the possibility. Now my boys and I are further behind in moving forward, but we now have a direction to move forward.

I'm not going to waste my time trying to figure out how I can heal enough to reconcile with her when she still doesn't want to.

My new mantra is: FIDO - F*ck it and drive on!

[mindfull]

CIPA - I like FIDO! The fam will think I've gone nuts, renaming the dog! Can I borrow it?

[PMA_Baby!]

[quote=Deep]If you don't mind sharing, what did you do to help heal from the violation of the trust?

Depends on what your made of??? I for one agree with you on the mindset that there is NO EXCUSE for cheating. But we are NOT them. Does that make us BETTER. Do we have BETTER VALUES AND MORALS??? I'd like to think so. It's easy to just tell ourselves that. But, deep down inside you know WHY you are so angry.

Could it be that we have something to do with this? Does it take two??? Did we drive them to this???? Did we enable this behavior??? My X is screwed up. No doubt about it. Now as a Christian do I just pass judgement and blame her and ridicule her for her actions. Her poor decisions???

Who are we to judge??? Who are we to judge what makes another person do what they feel they need to do or are justified to do? I was taught as a Christian not to judge. "let he cast the first stone..." mindset. So at the end of the day. Your WAW is hurting... As another human being you should have the ability to be compassionate... Because she did it to you it is NOT easy. Forgiving my X has been and continues to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

I equate it to these family members that you see on court tv that have to FORGIVE the criminal that murdered their loved one. I feel like my X murdered on marriage by doing what she did... But once again who am I to judge and blame. Am I qualified because I am A VICTIM. Because I was VICTIMIZED by this person.

What is the definition of being a VICTIM??? "a person who suffers from a destructive or injurious action or agency: a victim of an automobile accident.
2. a person who is deceived or cheated, as by his or her own emotions or ignorance, by the dishonesty of others, or by some impersonal agency:" We were truly VICTIMS??? Were we deceived or cheated by our own IGNORANCE???

At the end of the day, what Im trying to get at is. that best way for you to get past the anger/hurt/pain is to forgive. How do you forgive. It helps to have SYMPATHY for the other person. Do have COMPASSION for their feelings.

So once again I ask you. Are you strong enough to look past all the hurt and pain and anger to have sympathy and/or compassion for what made them or "faciliated" in their poor decision making.

If you are then you will be on your way on the road of recovery.

It takes a lot of work, but it is possible.

Sorry for the long post, but this is something that I struggle with everyday. Unfortunately, because you are person of strength and character, being that you sought out this site for help, you too will struggle with this.

I wish you well on your journey... May you find the strength and the compassion to forgive her.

God Speed. PMA

[confusedinpa]

CIPA - I like FIDO! The fam will think I've gone nuts, renaming the dog! Can I borrow it?

You certainly can!

I got this from a buddy who got divorced 2 years ago. This is what he came up with after climbing his mountain (literally - he's a mountain climber). He spent 4 weeks climbing and when he came down, he started his journey

Very zen like....

[confusedinpa]

Could it be that we have something to do with this? Does it take two??? Did we drive them to this???? Did we enable this behavior??? My X is screwed up. No doubt about it. Now as a Christian do I just pass judgement and blame her and ridicule her for her actions. Her poor decisions???

PMA

I have certainly owned up to my responsibility to have driven her to that point. I have confronted that demon while I was trying for the past 7 months. I know you have been following situation for a while so you know how hard it has been for me to look myself in the mirror without disgust for myself for what my part of the pain in the family.

But, what I did was an accident. It was not a deliberate decision to hurt her. What she did, was a very deliberate act that she knew would hurt our family. She constantly blammed me and took no responsibility nor accountability to the violation of our vows and trust. She still does not.

Do I feel sorry for her? Yes. She will have to live with the guilt, that no matter how she justifies it, that she cheated on me. She did what her father did to her and to this date has she has not forgiven.

What I don't understand is how I get past this hurt and lost of hope/desire to be with her again. I do know that I have not violated the sacred vows we took almost a decade ago to start our commitment to each other. I have loved, honored and cherished her to the best that I knew how, but it was not good enough for her. I did that through "better and worse".

I acknowledge that this is the worst. She will always be the mother of my children. I love her enough to let her go chase this craziness and not stop or stand in her way to chase what she feels will lead to her happiness. I will cherish the happy times that we have had and the fact that I have 2 wonderful boys.

I do know that I control my own happiness. No one can decide that for me. I will find that happiness and peace for the boys and I.

If she makes the decision that she wants to come back, I will confront that demon of having enough strength/charachter to do that. I continue to pray to God for the strength and wisdom to make the right decisions. If I am presented with that choice, I know He will give me the strength and wisdom to do so.

Right now, I will focus on making sure I have the strength and wisdom to do what is best for my boys and I.

I do appreciate you sharing your internal struggles/battles. Forgiveness is not easy. That is something that I have been asking her for and she has refused. She had said she did, but will never forget. But I had been preaching that forgiving means letting go of the hurt as that was what I had thought was standing between us. I thought when we had our heart to heart talks asking for forgiveness, she was looking right into my eyes. I thought she was looking into my heart, but realize that she was looking past all the guys that were standing between us.

[Stronger]

has she tried to contact you since the confrontation?

[MrBond]

stronger,

The reason why he can't forgive her is because she's strung him along for so long and blamed him for so much which he readily accepted.

The rest of us know better, but in this case, I think it had to play out the way it did.

[MrBond]

cipa,

while I understand what you're going through, especially since it happened to me, just take some time to breathe.

Get to the point where you can calm your emotions enough to make rational decisions. It's like the DNA test on your son. You were driven by emotion and not thinking things through.

You wanted to know how we get over the betrayal and stuff? Well it comes from you making a choice. You choose to not let it run your life and emotions. You choose to not let your hate destroy the rest of your emotions. You choose to not let your anger control you. And you choose when and if you want to forgive.

It doesn't happen overnight. It doesn't happen in a month or maybe even years. But it will happen.

Before fasttracking any decisions, take a few days alone or with your kids and just live. Eventually the clouds will part and you'll get clarity.

[Stronger]

I completely understand....I just don't want CIPA to do anything while incredibly mad that he'll regret later.