WAW and 4 kids

[tryingtilDorR]

So here's an update. As I stated from last week we had a big blow up over the fact that OM showed up at her training which you can read about above.

One of my boundaries that I tried to set was that she shouldn't go to the trainer any more sine the OM is his buddy and could show up anytime.

She was irritable towards me Tues night and yesterday morning, and she reluctantly then tells me yesterday morning while she was in ths shower that she is going to a training appt, and that I am welcome to go and watch to see that OM isn't there. She claims that she told him that he cannot show up there anymore when she is there. I believe this.

I don't know if that follows along with the DB principles, since it seems like you are giving her an order that doesn't seem like boundary setting. I could be wrong, but I think most adults would rebel against that. Obviously she knows that the OM could show there any time -- is she putting her preference of gym ahead of her marriage?

I get angry and tell her that I don't want her going there at all really, etc etc. but also realize that I can't control her actions even if this is a boundary. I re-adjust the boundary to be that no OM, but if he shows up she needs to be honest.
I also made some comments about how she has been treating me the last 24 hours (like some sort of enemy) and that I don't like it especially in front of the kids.

During the course of this conversation she says:

"I am separated but stayin in the house for hte kids"
"I can never be happy with you"
"The sooner I leave the better"

and some other unencouraging things. Now, my reaction is that I shouldn't react really - she is kind of crazy and saying lots of stuff. However, on the last point, I asked if she considered her kids' opinion on that statement? No answer.

I think this is a reaction to her feeling stifled in that she knows she has an issue with this training now. It is something that she initially tried to hide from me, then was very secretive about where it was and with whom, etc. It has been a source of suspicion and frustration for me for months and it is a connection she has with OM even if he isn't there (gives them a reason to talk, etc).

I ended up sitting in a coffee shop accross the street and watched just to show her I am serious about this - no OM allowed. Now, I realize that I should just let this go, she is going to do what she is going to do and the POS-OM is going to do the same and I will just drive myself insane worrying about it, but I figure if the both her and the trainer knew I just might show up there it would get back to OM and he wouldn't want to put my W in an uncomfortable position I figure (if he does then that's another story!).

Afterward I was able to develop much more of a PMA. I am reading a couple of books that have helped. One of which is "A return to Love" by Marianne Williamson. This book stresses the fact that if we act out of fear we are surrendering to evil, but if we act out of love we are living the way God intends us to and that HE will provide, and miracles CAN occur if we focus on acting out of love. She does a great job of hammering this home. I realized that all of my reactions when things get stressful or go badly are due to acting out of fear, not love. Hanging around yesterday watching for OM was acting out of fear I realize now, but at the same time it might help W since he might take her request to not show up more seriously now. When I act out of love (but don't be a doormat) I feel much better and I think I instinctively do the right things for myself and peripherally for the M/R.

Another insightful book is Uncoupling. This is written by a sociologist who studied the breakup of 100s of relationships and what the process is. It describes in detail the process the Initiator (WAS) goes through and how much of a head start they have on the LBS, and how the LBS has to go through the same phases but they are forced to instead of choosing it willinging, have to start much later and 'catch up', but essentially they end up doing the same things to uncouple from the R.

The LBS ends up forming negative opinions of the WAS due to how they are being treated, whereas the WAS originally did this out of choice (they chose to focus on the negative without the LBS trying to be hurtful, etc and without LBS knowing anything was wrong). It talks about how initially after the bomb the LBS focuses on positive things which is why we all want to save the M/R in the begninning because we see that good can come from the R, but that we turn negative over time due to how we are treated, which I see happening in ohter LBS threads and in my own R.

Interesting read. Not a lot of hope for R from this book since she only talked to people who split up, so keep that in mind if you read it. However, it gives you an idea of the phases that WAS has already gone through by the time we get the bomb and how they have structured their thinking and social interactions to support uncoupling from the R, and what is coming next if you don't reconcile.