It seems to be working.... sometimes #2

[sandycay]

Hi friends,

It's been awhile since I last posted and wanted to thank you all for your prayers and hugs. I have been doing a lot of deep thinking over the last month on my situation with my H.

In retrospect, I have been examining my H actions. It's said on here time and again actions are louder than words. His actions since Feb or so have been spot on for reconcillation to be complete. I understand to a degree that he needed closure. He said he felt she made the decision for him by her actions and he needed to feel it was his decision... lot more stuff with that but it does make some sense. It doesn't change the fact that he did it behind my back and that was wrong. What is right is his behavior over the past 6 months. Especially since I found out about the contact he had with her last fall.

I found this out in May and to be honest I shut down. I shut him down. I ask him to leave and I said lots of vile things about him and her.... I've been pretty ugly about the whole thing and my vocabulary has been rotten. I had held my tongue for a long time and my anger and I put it all forth. It was not pretty. He never waivered. He never changed his tune about wanting to be here. He never stopped trying to show me emotional and physical affection... he never stopped telling me he loved me. I have stopped all of the above to him.

Part of me wanted him to have some consequence... let me show him how it feels to be rejected and so on. So that's what I have been doing. I was closely becoming a WAS. Fantasies of other men, another life have been dancing dangeroulsy around in my head. It's was the hardest thing to do ... to not act upon it.

I spent a good 3 weeks away from him and you know the opposite sex can sniff out a hurt and wounded soul from a mile away. Surrounded by nice drs. and nurses didnt' help. In someways I am lucky that I have witnessed this on the other side and that is what has saved me. I know the hurt involved so when the nice and charming Dr. asked me to meet him for coffee when he got off. I declined... we had lots of conversation before this regarding my mom.. where you from...and it just started building from there. Conversation only, in person only. I soon recognized I was playing with fire from the devil. I was hurting in my marriage, my mom was dying and he was a nice man to talk to. Things like that show me there is another way of life out there. I get confused if God is trying to show me this by letting me find stuff out about my H, and then showing me the "light".

Anyway, I stepped away before I could get burned and my family could get burned.... and in light of things that happened ... I know I couldnt' hurt my H in that way nor my children.

I have decided to recommit myself to this M. I will let my H know on Friday as we are attending a weddng and then staying overnight at a resort for the reception. I will return to him 100%. He shall know that if there is every ANYTHING else to do with OW. I am done. There will be no if ands or buts. DONE.

SO, that's the update... I won't stop looking for signs though for a very long time. I hope and pray I am not wrong about this decision. I based it on his actions and words.