living with the turtle

[cat04]

Mindblank,

Where to start? Ok you may have seen, I used to post here under a different name. Boy was I a different person then. Right after the bomb, so you can imagine. My H read those threads, and used everything against me. So although I want to share, I have to be very careful now because he is still nuts. LOL

Yes a blond so nutty myself. This particular time, as I do believe my H had an unresoved crisis that started 12 years ago, and "ended" about 10 years ago (he was done one day and here the next and that was it). I would say this started again sometime in 06. Although I don't believe the full replay started until early to mid 07. I got the first bomb in June 07, then hit with my own health bomb and some other stuff that sort of derailed his falling apart (or really drove it underground for about a year). So then bomb two in July 08. It took me a long time to even decide that I believed this was MLC, but I'm sure.

Yes he still lives at home, in separate bedrooms since Sept 08. Drove me crazy for a while, but not so much now.

OW? Do you want the truth? There have been 4 that I know of. Two in the first crisis, two with this one. He denies PA, I have yet to get an STD of any sort (and one of them had a H with HIV), so I will give him the benefit of the doubt on that because I have no proof otherwise. If he has lied, he has to live with the consequences of that. He tried to deny EA, but of that I do have proof and will not pretend it was anything different than what it was. How did I know they were there? Because of the way he treated me. How do I know they are gone? Because of the way he treats me. Call it gut, call it what you will, I just know. And to be honest, if there is one, it really doesn't matter much. Why? Because that is not the root of this. It does not make it easier for him, it creates more pressure, which is why he is nasty with me when they are around, and H just can't handle it for very long. No I'm not being blind, my eyes are more open than they have been in a very long time.

My H and I have been together for 20 years this year. Met at 17. Our S is going to be 15 in a few weeks. He is a blessing.

So the evidence list--

1. ILYBNILWY
2. I don't have a clue who I am or who we are
3. "Friend" who isn't more than friend, but someone close
4. I want to move out, I don't want to move out
5. I am good at nothing
6. you are too controlling
7. change in physical appearance/shaving private parts
8. obsession with making sure I want him during sex
9. feels unimportant at home
10. anger, anger, and more anger
11. needing space
12. buying toys, gadgets
13. acting like 5 year old with mother
14. wanting to go back in time when no responsibilities

Oh man this list could go on forever. Let's just say I have heard it all. And then some.

Methodical, never thought of myself that way. I floundered for a long long time and I still feel like I am sometimes. But like I said, I think this sort of threw me into my own crisis of sorts. I have really travelled a road and I know that the end is near. And things have happened for me in the order that I posted so that may seem why it was methodical. If you want to get to know me a little more, I posted on Fallgirl's thread, in response to a question from her what my own journey this last year was like.

Yes I told H it is time to "rethink" this living situation. It has been ignored. Doesn't mean he isn't thinking about it but whether he ever tells me what he is thinking or not is another story.