living with the turtle

[cat04]

Hey FG,

You know at this point I know another boundary needs to be set, behaviors have to be changed, I just have not come up with a way to do it. Over time, I have about 95% of the time stopped the rages and if they happen, I react very calmly. I have stopped the babying, mothering, although I still catch the thoughts running through my head sometimes (hard not to when someone whines about how bad they feel). I don't ask where he is going or what he is doing, and now I get told. And if he tries to tell me I'm being pushy, controlling, or that he has no choice but to do something with me (like dinner), I simply turn it around and tell him you won't put that on me because you do not have to do these things (a perfect example was he spends time with me to spend time with my son. I told him having sex with me is NOT spending time with our son.) There is no OW anymore. These issues right now, which really are not major issues in the grand scheme, but are things that have always been deal breakers for me, I'm just not sure about.

I think this is the point where most LBS's decided to walk away. Because when you know your deal breakers and the MLCer continues in the behavior, sick, confused, or whatever, a choice has to be made. My H has developed a few of these during this experience. And I know the man he was would hate that he has developed these issues, but right now he is not seeing them. Or he is seeing them differently. I don't know if these things are permanent changes for him, but they won't be for me. Which is sort of wierd because I, just like all of us, have endured sooooo much that you would think these small things would not be a big deal. But it is his choice to do this stuff, just like it is my choice to live with it or not. I won't. I can't. I lived with the two things I'm talking about my entire childhood and knew when I moved out of home I would not live with it again. But I didn't really understand why. Then when his mother lived here, I went through it again, much more intense than my childhood. It took a very good relationship and turned it into a nonexistent relationship, but I now remember why I won't live with those things. Ever. With H or anyone else.

So we will just see what happens. Yes I've changed a ton of stuff, but my basic core convictions have not changed and he has to know that as well.

FG, you are not responsible for your H's anger. He takes it out on you because there is probably a pattern of you allowing it and doing what you needed to to keep the peace. I know I did that for a long time. Although it is possible that in the past, something you said or did sort of triggered it (I get uptight and my tone suggests I'm ready for battle that I may not even be thinking about, which makes it easy for him to get snippy, then me, and it ensues). I know I did.

The steps I took with this--

1. stop taking the bait
2. stop accepting the blame for whatever he was upset about
3. stepping back from making the decisions for things he said he wanted done so that I had no role for it and could not be blamed for anything, including something not getting done
4. validating his uncertainty and listening to concerns but not offering advice or suggestions
5. refusing to apologize for things that I did not feel require an apology
6. slowly but surely going from wanting him to do something as a family, with our son, expecting him to do it because he is the father, to saying this is what son and I are doing, we want you there, you are welcome to come if you feel like it but it is up to you and we are ok either way and making sure he knows we had a good time if he doesn't participate
7. stop asking permission to do things that I want to do, but I still am open with him about what I'm doing, in or out of the house, if he is around to receive the information
8. Refusing to accept his anger at me if I do something he doesn't like. A perfect example is spending money. I have never spent money on myself first. I would rather H and son and house have everything they need. But I told him the last time he got upset with me over it, just because I choose to give what I have to you and him first does not make me wrong and I will not change that in me and become selfish simply because you don't like it that I'm not. So deal with it. I get what I need and want.
9. I am much more careful about my tone now and H has actually started pointing out things that in the past would have simply been triggers for fights if it does come through. Which is another interesting twist.

I have said little conversations, sometimes simply a sentence or two, but I am seeing things changing in him and he is seeing things changing in me. A year ago, he would never have been able to say "I know you are not angry with me but you sound angry with me". He wouldn't have said it, he would have just assumed I was angry wtih him and we would have fought. But that simple statement, said the way it was said, was enough to alter the whole interaction.

So yes soul searching. Changing the dynamics by changing yourself. I have said butterfly effect or whatever you want to call it and it is real. But it is a process and you will fall off the wagon once in a while, especially if you try to implement everything at once. But these things have happened over time, one step at a time, as they have been revealed to me. Almost in the order I wrote about them. You have seemed to mastered number one, and now if you haven't you have to change the internal reaction as well so that it is just a part of you and not something you have to think about anymore. Then the next one will come.