WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

Well, got the best sleep last nite since I found out about her piggness. Almost 4.5 hours. During those 4.5 hours, I think I got up shaking only a couple of times.

I am still absolutely stunned and disgusted. I am still hurt. I am disappointed. I am mad. I am sad.

I look back over the past 7 months after getting hit with the bomb and new realizations of betrayal keep popping up. I know I need to live in the present and living in the past is NOT productive. Looking forward to the future is what I need to do. I know all these things.

Knowing and doing are two completely different things. I just want to get home and see my boys. I still don't know what to tell them. All these months, the three of us had prayed that mommy will come home soon. I can't pray for that anymore. How can I tell my boys I have given up too and extinguish their hope.

I know I am not doing those thing because there is NO justification for her betrayal. NONE. I believe that the boys will need to know that some day. That day is not now. NOT at 7 & 3 years of age.

My lawyer said it would likely cost me $10K in legal fees to have the divorce filing changed from irrecable differences to infidilety. I feel it is worth it as some day, when the boys ask what really destroyed their family, I can tell them that they can look at the court documents. They will need to know the truth because they deserve to know.

It's just like how I deserve to know. While I know they will go through the same pain I am going through now, it is better than not knowing. And they will not go through it alone. I will be their for them. ALWAYS!

I must survive and thrive for my boys.