Hi CIPA. Just a word to add encouragement too. I also found out about the A by catching an email in the trash bin after months of suspecting. Granted, it was mainly emotional crap, but it ate at me for far too long, even after the healing was well under way. The wounds are bleeding raw for you now, but try to keep in mind to let it go as you move on.
And your sons are your sons. That look of love you see in their eyes is for you, and you alone.
Stay strong.
Thanks and congrats on your new addition.
If you don't mind sharing, what did you do to help heal from the violation of the trust?
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
Well, got the best sleep last nite since I found out about her piggness. Almost 4.5 hours. During those 4.5 hours, I think I got up shaking only a couple of times.
I am still absolutely stunned and disgusted. I am still hurt. I am disappointed. I am mad. I am sad.
I look back over the past 7 months after getting hit with the bomb and new realizations of betrayal keep popping up. I know I need to live in the present and living in the past is NOT productive. Looking forward to the future is what I need to do. I know all these things.
Knowing and doing are two completely different things. I just want to get home and see my boys. I still don't know what to tell them. All these months, the three of us had prayed that mommy will come home soon. I can't pray for that anymore. How can I tell my boys I have given up too and extinguish their hope.
I know I am not doing those thing because there is NO justification for her betrayal. NONE. I believe that the boys will need to know that some day. That day is not now. NOT at 7 & 3 years of age.
My lawyer said it would likely cost me $10K in legal fees to have the divorce filing changed from irrecable differences to infidilety. I feel it is worth it as some day, when the boys ask what really destroyed their family, I can tell them that they can look at the court documents. They will need to know the truth because they deserve to know.
It's just like how I deserve to know. While I know they will go through the same pain I am going through now, it is better than not knowing. And they will not go through it alone. I will be their for them. ALWAYS!
I must survive and thrive for my boys.
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
Nope. It's pretty neutral. My H is my friend and he has no idea. There's nothing on it that is leading. If you wanted, you could join under a fictious name. That's what a lot of members have done, even using their names from here.
CIPA, you have always been so level headed through all of this. I think the pain is getting to you. Do NOT spend 10K to change the filing. What's going on is between you and your W. It's not about W and the kids. They should be able to make decisions about their relationship with her on their own. You should say nothing to them, EVER about what's happened here. You should never refer them back to the divorce papers which are public record. Let them do all of that on their own. If you do this, one day they will resent you too. They will resent you for telling them about all of this. Let them figure it out....because one day, they will. All you have to do is fight for custody of them. My best friend....her parents are divorced. Years and years later she knows exactly what went down. Over the years she's figured it out. But her younger brother, now an FBI agent, did research into the divorce. He called my best friend one day, very emotional. In the state where the divorce happened, all the documents included how much money was spent for everything related to the divorce. In the end, their father was bankrupt....he spent pretty much every dime he had for custody that he didn't get. So all these years of my best friend and her siblings thinking their father was bad with money, came to a complete halt. He never told them. He never bad mouthed their mother. In the end, they respect him so much more.
If you are really going to do this, do it with all the dignity you have. I know you have a lot.
Ok. What is the time frame in which all of this happened? Was it before or after January 2009?
The first physical hook up was on Nov 7, 2008 with that guy in the email I posted. It had continued. Even two days after she moved out in April, they were together to "celebrate" her new apt and freedom.
She had been "winking" and chatting with guys on Match since then (up, including Sun as I was driving back to work this week). This was after our conversation on Sat nite of how we felt that things were getting so much better between us (we had the "8th grade" hook ups the last 2 Sun nites). Apparently, she hadn't gotten emails/contact from the other guy (the one she started having sex with in Nov) in since the end of July.
There was another guy in the just before she moved out.
This is all throughly disgusting.
All this time I have been trying and we have talked about how I've been trying were filled with lies.
Even last Thurs we had a blow up when she asked to borrow money, she complained she felt cheap when I would compliment her about her boobs (her best feature). Yet, in all her emails with the other guy from Nov, it is filled with details of what happened with the boobs and other body parts.
There were so many out right lies. Even two weeks before she moved out, I talked about trying to choose love to see if can work things out. She said she had been trying to for the 3 months since she dropped the bomb and it's not going to work. I just didn't realize with who.
So am I angry. Absolutely.
Can I continue to work on the marriage if she tries. Right now I can do not feel I am strong enough to do that.
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
CIPA, why? Why couldn't you forgive her? I'm working on forgiving my H. I know our situations are different....H and I were definitely separated before he did the crap he did, but really, let's be honest, it's still cheating because we are married. But why? I know not everyone can, but I was wondering what your reasons are.
I can't speak for Puppy, but what you just found out is NO surprise to me. You wouldn't face this possibility before and then wasted all of this time "working on yourself".
Your WS is no different than most all the others on this site. The difference here is that you just wouldn't consider it or look into the possibility that she was having an affair...
This is the exact reason that I tell people on here all the time that you NEED TO FIND OUT THE FACTS. You can't know how to reconcile or bust a divorce UNLESS you know what you are up against.... It is silly to have gone on so long and not look into this before much much more intently...
Shame on us for not pushing you more because the signs have been evident. At least you would be one year ahead of your pain and growth...
