I don't know why Earl, but I've been thinking about you all day.

I've been thinking about you in the context of life transitions and how your story has highlighted to me that I, and probably most of us on this board make a lot of excuses and articulate a lot of reasons for leaving a marriage or being left from a marriage - but call it Midlife Crisis, call it transition, call it whatever you like - what we are talking about is one partner making concious decisions about their personal ambitions, goals and aspirations and analysing if our current relationship (and all of it's unique circumstances) will be able to adapt sufficiently to provide us a safe base to grow from. Sexually, professionally, emotionally, spiritually - whatever.

This is a board with the express intention of keeping marriages together - but in reality Michelle WD's philosophy,- is that we only have control of ourselves. We can't change, manipulate, bully or overpower our partner or anyone else to make our life what we want it to be. We have the responsibility for making our life what we want it to be.

That also means, we are responsible for the relationships we end up in - and I really respect the way you take responsibility for that in your own relationship. It's taken me a few years, but I understand that now too!!

Quote:
Question 1: Knowing what you knew then, was it the best choice you could have made with the information and view you had at the the time?

Question 2: Knowing what you know now, would you do it again? Or would you choose a different path?


A year ago, I would have answered no to both questions unequivocally. For several years I grieved and regretted my decision and couldn't for the life of me understand why I'd felt so compelled to leave when I really had nothing to go to. He repartnered very quickly - so I was jealous too. It was horrible.

Over the past year, and in particular during the past couple of months I've come to understand why it happened, why it was important for me and how lucky I was, in hindsight, that he did move on to someone else so quickly - because that helped his sense of loss - and it meant I couldn't be wishy washy about if I wanted to be with him or not - he wasn't available to pine for and that was that.

Now I know I was right to trust my instincts and my judgement. The past few years have been incredible years for me. I've learned so much about myself, the universe, life. Stuff I could never have learned being in any relationship and definately not one with my xhusband(it's probably worth noting that I'd had boyfriends since I was 16 years old - and I just went from one boyfriend to the next, ... I'd never found peace in myself and I'd never really had to look after myself). I've certainly learned through this whole experience that we are born alone and we die alone - at some stage through our life we probably need to learn how to BE alone.

So in answer to question 1 it's yes and no - what I knew then was that I was looking for something - and I didn't know what it was or where it was but I didn't think it was in my marriage. All I knew was that I had this strong instinct to shake my life up because it wasn't working for me. I didn't know why. For the next couple of years though I thought I had been very wrong.

In answer to question 2 - Knowing what I know now, would I do it again? Or would I choose a different path? That's a really hard question. I'd like to say that if I knew then, what I know now, I would have realised that what I was looking for was respect and development of my self. With the information and tools I have available to me now, after several years of learning and growing as an individual and building the resilience that has carried me through my separation and divorce I know I could have found my self no matter who I was married to or sleeping with. The thing is - I had to go through the pain, indecision, horror to get that information and most importantly to really KNOW it.

I'm sad that I wasn't mature enough to fulfil my marriage obligations, but I'm very very grateful that I had the courage to trust my instincts and make the very hard decisions that did in the end teach me more about myself than I could ever have hoped to learn in the safe world I was living in when I was married.

Thanks for the thought provoking questions. The thing about this journey to self awareness is that it never ends!

Cheers, V

V

Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.