In Limbo

[25yearsmlc]

I think there is nothing left I have to say to her anyway. Pretty sure I got everything out last Thursday....I even told her that she may have thought I was hearing her all these years, however, most of the time she just yelled and I missed what she was trying to really say. I said that is why most of her friends, family have come to me in the past because they were afraid to speak to her because of her volatile reactions. It was just something that needed to be said..I get tired of her saying she can forgive but not forget. The fact is she knows that I have been working on myself and that I am different. She has admitted this to friends. She hasn't done the work on herself... NOT YOUR PROBLEM OR CONCERN AT ALL.....PLUS YOU ARE MIND READING, AND NEGATIVELY AT THAT..

.Sorry I digressed..

But, I have had three full days of being happy, not arguing. She even through a dagger at me Saturday and I just let it roll off my shoulder. Odd thing is that besides her telling me she wanted the divorce thursday when I pushed for an answer,
WHICH YOU NOW KNOW IS #1 THING NOT TO DO...NO PUSHING -- ESPECIALLY FOR ANSWERS YOU DO NOT WANT. DID YOU THINK SHE'D SAY, "GEE, NOW THAT YOU CORNERED ME, I DO WANT TO STAY M AND WORK AT THE M"...?? NOT LIKELY -SO DON'T DO IT AGAIN...

the next day I asked if she had any regrets, she said no. STOP ASKING!! OMG!! COME ON NOW....

Two minutes later she tells me that she quit her therapist because she was leading her down the divorce path. The next day she invites me out to a fundraiser for our anniversary on Aug. 27. I light heartedly accepted. Talk about a roller coaster ride. I was not even planning on being around on our anniversary.

I have been doing a couple 180's that appear to be having a little bit of effect.

NO TEMPERATURE TAKING of the M FOR AT LEAST A MONTH THOUGH YOU'LL KNOW SOONER IF IT'S BACKFIRING...UNLESS, UNLESS THEY QUESTION WHETHER YOUR CHANGE IS REAL... then keep it going. Usually you won't know for a good 2-4 months if a change is even noticed although it WILL BE sooner, they won't let on. Don't worry about that b/c you are changing FOR YOU, not them or their reaction. Drill this into your head and heart....IT TAKES TIME FOR ANYONE TO BELIEVE A CHANGE IS REAL AND ONLY THEN CAN THEY REACT TO IT. IF YOU ARE ONLY GAL AND DOING 180'S TO GET HER BACK THEN IT IS NOT A CHANGE....IT'S A TACTIC AND WILL BE SEEN AS MANIPULATION, WHICH IT REALLY IS.....SO TIME + YOUR CONSISTENT CHANGES = HER PERCEPTIONS OF YOU CHANGING.... Don't keep checking on her or it'll look like a tactic and you will defeat yourself.


I started cooking. Never knew I liked to cook. I also went and bought a bunch of casual clothes. Haven't bought anything for myself except suits and ties in 10 years. Good to get my sense of style back as well. Been making sure I always look "attractive" around the house. I also started taking a boxing class in addition to my daily workout routine. When she goes out, I don't ask anymore. I don't get mad the next day either. I try not to be home when she leaves(don't want to see her in her Cougar outfits). I am sleeping when she comes home.

Good stuff although is the sleeping what you need to do? Just curious. the rest is great stuff and great GAL starts...how about a class or hobby taking? Something that involves others...?

[color:#CC0000]Also, making notes of what works and what doesn't. [color:#FF0000]AWFULLY SOON TO DO THAT...see note before...
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Have found that being the person to initiate or carry on a conversation is working. Found that waiting for her to bring up something makes me look like I am cowering or resentful...

You sure about that? I mean trust your instincts, but don't mind read too much. You'll find that's a tough balancing act. Read up on DETACHMENT, BIG TIME...

For my GAL's I have just been trying to go out more. With and without the kids. I can tell when I am gone all day with our sons, it does bother her that she is not with us.
GOOD, WELCOME TO BEING A SINGLE MOM...OH WELL....IT'S CALLED "REALITY THERAPY" AND IT AIN'T ALL FUN AND GAMES...AS LONG AS YOU ARE NOT BEING PUNITIVE OR PETTY, THIS IS FINE...

The problem is that she chose to not speak to my family anymore or my(our) friends. She knows that they know the truth about what happened and feels uncomfortable with them. She doesn't want me out with her college friends(this is her group). Which is why we don't go out with anyone else except as a family.
THEN YOU MUST MODEL FORGIVENESS AS BEST YOU CAN SO SHE CAN FEEL COMFORTABLE AND ASK YOUR FAMILY FOR THEIR UNDERSTANDING AT THIS TIME....even if you have not forgiven her yet, and of course you are only starting to, STILL she must believe it's attainable or this IS hopeless. Forgiveness is crucial for ANY of our m's to survive, let alone thrive, which is really what we all want. So do as my DB coach said long ago and 'KEEP THE ROAD HOME PAVED AND SMOOTH....don't make it any harder for her to come back than it already would be...not excusing abusive behavior, but not making her road harder...make sense?

Thanks for your confidence.

There's a reason we have some confidence and hope in your situation and it has to do with the realities of her words and actions and confusion AND in your ability to learn and change. IT can be done and I see it all the time. If you can get her to Retrovaille, you may find yourself a miracle. My h and I did. I highly recommend it...couples with problems worse than yours or ours, have actually succeeded in making their m's happy again.

Amazing....but true.

J-