LL..you are so wise......it will take all of us different times in our r to figure out the things that you have already done....then it might feel like the "real healing" process is working. So much is foccused on the past..the whys..we can't change yesterday and we don't know about tomorrow..we only have today to do something about it!!
Keep up your great tools of what is working...you have a great talent for helpng others see things that are right there.
I am so happy to see you at this point of acceptance and (dare I say?) contentment - at least you do sound much more content than I have ever heard you. I think you have come to the realization that your H is the kind of person who is better off finding his own way in his own time, rather than being led, or even gently persuaded. Even if this is your last thread, I hope you will come back and offer your wisdom and encouragement to others.
some fears running around today... last year at this time h had only started to come my way (was spending a few nights here with me etc) today is h's b-day...last year at this time h and ow were still in contact (though h was hiding it) and ow not only called him on his b-day but gave him a card signed love T. and no I'm not using t to shorten her name that is exactly how she signed it!!
I'd like to believe that ow is gone and she probably is..but...well...how the hell will I ever really know??? I didn't ever really know she was there in the first place until they had been seen together and by that point their r had already been going on for over a year...
I know that I can't live my life always waiting for the next time he get's "caught", but I don't know how to kick the feeling of mistrust either.
I don't even know if I have reason to be feeling this way but I do.
they must have been handing out mistrust and fear at the grocery store today! A couple of us in Piecing are struggling with this today!
Quote: I'd like to believe that ow is gone and she probably is..but...well...how the hell will I ever really know??? I didn't ever really know she was there in the first place until they had been seen together and by that point their r had already been going on for over a year...
I know that I can't live my life always waiting for the next time he get's "caught", but I don't know how to kick the feeling of mistrust either.
I don't even know if I have reason to be feeling this way but I do.
LL
So...I ASSume from the general trend of your posts that mistrust is not the NORM. In other words, would you say that most days you are OK with your trust level and suspicions?
I don't have a real solution other than this to offer...
sounds like these feelings have been spurred on by an uncomfortable anniversary.
AND, these feelings aren't about anything in h's behavior BUT are about fears and memories.
I'd say it's perfectly AOK to "sit with" that. Saying to yourself...I'm feeling mistrust today because of the anniversary and because I'm feeling afraid. It's not something I can control...etc.
IOW...note it, feel it deeply if that helps you (it doesn't help everyone but you'd know best) and remind yourself that it's based on FEELING not action.
So...what are you guys doing for h's bday?
Would bringing this up to h tomorrow or the day after help you?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
How did you know about the call and card last year?
Take it from someone that knows, if there is still contact, it will reach you in one form or another.
So take the lack of evidence as being there is no evidence, because it doesn't exist!
Sorry this is breif, but its the end of the day for me and I have somewhere to be, plus I feel a bit raw about the subject still after posting last nite. Now sure I the best person to return your post right now, but I believe I'm on the opposite side spectrum right now than you are. Just wanted pu that out there in case that might help.
Quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So...I ASSume from the general trend of your posts that mistrust is not the NORM. In other words, would you say that most days you are OK with your trust level and suspicions? MOST days OK and some days better than just OK I don't have a real solution other than this to offer...
sounds like these feelings have been spurred on by an uncomfortable anniversary. an uncomfortable anniversary possibly added onto by the fact that h isn't going to arive home as early as I'd have liked (the kids and I bought a tiny cake to have for him tonight after dinner but he's missed dinner and wont be home til at least the typical time at wich dd gets started on bedtime. though h did call during the day with an explenation of how crappy his day was going having been tied up extra time at a job leaving him to come home late, I did entertain thoughts of "ya right, she's taking you out for lunch or something you bastard" but did my best to hide it. and maybe just maybe there's a bit of residual from h's being away, and though he was great about calling me at least a few times a day and dropping several ily's, his greeting when he arived home was not notable (ok so it was 2am and I was asleep on the couch but still nothing the next evening either?)
AND, these feelings aren't about anything in h's behavior BUT are about fears and memories. mostly yes. I say mostly only because if what happend hadn't have happend then I wouldn't being thinking of ow in particular I would simply be thinking..."he doesn't even care to come home and have a special dinner and b-day cake with his kids?" but then I know that's me expecting him to feel about things the way I do...after all today is only his birthday and I am making dinner for him and his family (inlaws and all) on saturday.
I'd say it's perfectly AOK to "sit with" that. Saying to yourself...I'm feeling mistrust today because of the anniversary and because I'm feeling afraid. It's not something I can control...etc.
IOW...note it, feel it deeply if that helps you (it doesn't help everyone but you'd know best) and remind yourself that it's based on FEELING not action.
So...what are you guys doing for h's bday? well as I said I wanted to make something nice for him for dinner but he's going to be late so I just fed the kids and made him a plate. The kids and I bought one of those tiny b-day cakes and even wrote in the smallest I could write with icing "Happy birthday daddy" I had hoped though he'd be late he'd at least be early enough for all of us to sing for him and have a slice but he won't be ariving til dd's bedtime and bedtime and chocolate cake don't mix well. I've had a head cold since h went on his vaca and didn't sleep much while he was gone so I was thinking of just going to bed after putting dd to bed.
Would bringing this up to h tomorrow or the day after help you? it would help me, but I doubt it would help him. Kind of in the same vane as the relief a betraying spouse feels to get the truth out at the cost of hurting the betrayed. Sure I'd feel good to let it out, but how would h feel to know that he is still not trusted?
Sage
thanks for stopping by KAW,
Quote: How did you know about the call and card last year? the call..at that time h hadn't realized I was checking his cell so I saw her # I asked him about it and he said she called to say happy birthday, I don't even know if it was on his actual birthday or not but that was the excuse. The card....well back in may before I went to fla with the kids..one night I took his keys and drove down to his office and found locked in a safe some letters and pictures from her, in they were folded and stapled inside a birthday card from her signed love T. those are the letters he now claims to have put in her mailbox for "closure" (where did he get that word??)
Take it from someone that knows, if there is still contact, it will reach you in one form or another. I'd like to believe that KAW, but they had been talking daily and having lunch together at least once a week for A YEAR before it go back to me and that was only because they happend to bump into someone who is "my people" (can't say someone who knows me cause there are plenty that know me that wouldn't say cause they are "his people" know what I mean?) the likelihood of that occuring again are few it may take another year. As far as finding concrete evidence? I'd have to hire a spy. h pays the bills so there are no records for me to see, h has a cell phone, and office phone, a po box, two offices, and is the boss so can be anywhere at anytime.
So take the lack of evidence as being there is no evidence, because it doesn't exist! yet?
Sorry this is breif, but its the end of the day for me and I have somewhere to be, plus I feel a bit raw about the subject still after posting last nite. Now sure I the best person to return your post right now, but I believe I'm on the opposite side spectrum right now than you are. Just wanted pu that out there in case that might help.
'til later, KAW
I don't know...suppose I should just accept the fact that at times I will feel this way. I don't like it, I'm sure h wouldn't like to know that I feel this way (of course he'd do his best to understand). I can deal with feeling this way while working toward the future what scares me is the threat of always feeling this way year after year...I don't want that in my m but I don't know how to get rid of it.
I don't have much time left before this thread comes to an end but I do still have some lingering "issues" roaming about.
so as I said yesterday there is still a bit of mistrust. Something I did note different yesterday was that when fil called (before disclosure of ow fil used to call every evening and if h wasn't home he would state "I'm gonna kill him" little did I know) instead of his old response about h not yet being home, he did say "well we did have a busy day today, he got tied up with us at uncles house" so that made me feel a bit better. When h got home we wrapped up the screens (house was supposed to be pressure washed today but with the weather I think that's not happening) h asked how I was feeling and asked about my cold and then stated that my break will be comming soon (with the end of his season he will be around more so less pressure on me to be "in charge" of the kids "full time") I then asked if I could be honest with him and let him know that part of why I felt a bit yucky was becuase of her calling him and giving him a card last year for his b-day. He appologized and then said "if it makes you feel any better there was no call and no card" I appologized for feeling that way and h said it was ok. I wonder though if it really was or did I just pick at a scab I mean after all he did leave his w and children to persue a life with this woman and she doesn't so much as acknowledge his birthday the next year?? sheesh!
well h is blowing out sprinkler systems today and yes she has a sprinkler system. Don't know if she's on the schedule today or when (not like he tells me).
just feeling a tad of yuck floating around.
I'm pissed in thinking that fil knew "something" was going on with h and ow (ow is a customer and fil works for h so did see them "talking" on occassion if not out together too but never thought to tell me about it just pisses me off and adds to the I will never really know what's going on becuase he travels where only "his" people will see him and not near "my" people, the only time he ran into "my" people was a freak incident when he took her to a doc apt and happend to run into a friend of my family who was at an anual screening)
just yuck and more yuck.
I never did trust..truth be told I often thought that h's landscaping co was just a cover for a jigilo co as his employees almost all seemed to be far to attrative to be landscapers (not the typical scruffy dudes you'd think of).
I guess the main killer in when I start to feel down is when h is physically distant. I know not everybody expresses themselves physcially but I do and I get annoyed when h isn't being that way with me. I wish that h could have stayed the way he was when he first came home but I guess that is classic behaviour for a ld person.
I'm tired and this head cold is annoying the crap out of me...you can blow your nose or cough to clear your throught but what the heck do you do when a cold has settled in your ears?
tonight h and I are going to son's pre-school for parent teacher night...son told me that we will be seeing a movie on the wall! I'm excited, hope that h doesn't talk the teachers ear off.
I'm rambling I know I just don't want to use up too many posts so I'm trying to fit a lot in.
since h went to miami last year and this year to see the pats play, he told me I am entitled to a vaca too...I decided that I don't want to go away alone and instead will use the money I would spend on a trip to buy furniture for the kids rooms. H seemed ok with it, only asked that I let him know ahead so that he doesn't get slammed with the bill. I ordered a bunk bed for son's room (ya I know he's only 1 kid but I think all little boys should have a bunk bed, heck I ended up stealing the one that my brothers used) that will come today. I don't know if h is bothered by it or not but he's not saying anything so I'm not going to mindread. If he's mad he'll have to speak up, he should know where being silent about things got him in the past.
I'm also a bit miffed that on saturday h plans to work at least part of the day...wich means I will be here with the kids trying to cook and get dinner ready for 12 people, HIS family that we're having over for HIS birthday...I think next year I'll just say screw it as he's typcially out plowing for my birthday anyway. I used to host ALL the birthdays for h's family....heck they were even here on my due date to give birth to dd to celebrate bil's b-day...I mean really???
just tired I guess and annoyed that h hasn't yet called today..I know it's snowing and all but a two second hello call does wonders for me and h knows it....it's just aiding in my thoughts of "h is in some funk and mad at me for something".
oh well time to make lunch, get dd dressed, put dd for nap and carve pumpkin with son.
I think it's wonderful that your husband validated your feelings AND reassured you that there has been no call/no card. I'd say that exhange went very well!
Also, I suspect that the lock on posts comes not due to number of posts, but rather how much memory has been used. Just a theory I have.
Also, I agree, bunk beds for kids is a must! He'll need it when he has friends over for the night! Plus, he can have the top bunk anytime, which I always wanted, given a choice! Even in college, I wanted top bunk!
Sorry, I'm rambling...don't wanna take up too much space!
Thanks PNT (and hey I thought we changed your name to pheonix in bloom?),
as is typcially the case after I come here and ramble out a bunch of poor me h doesn't care thoughts my phone rings. I'll admit that I was still feeling a little pissy so I didn't answer the phone, but listening to his message cheered me up. I love the ones that start " hey you, it's me" rather than "hey guys" so I called him back after a few min and chatted.
I guess I have to keep practicing telling myself to shut up whenever I let thoughts of ow or h being deceptive cross my mind. I can't always rely on h leaving a cheery message to put me in a better moood (btw he also said in his message that he's freezing his tooshies off, what kinda man uses the word tooshie? too cute)
making h some chili, he was pretty siked to hear that. I most often make it on yucky weather days. that and my chicken soup are fast fav's of h's, he's even talked about my soup to buddie (they have weird conversations, they've been friends since they were little) h claiming my soup to be the best, buddie saying "she makes soup" guess buddies w isn't the domestic type...aint my h lucky he's got the whole package. (ok I know, I know, don't toot your own horn but aint that what pma is all about?)
Was disappointed you missed me on your visit to the BB.
Any insights you can offer on H's comments from last night? I mean come on..what was THAT about "sick of this s***" "I'm moving out and staying out" so strange and the anger...my, my
