Not Me...Ever part 2

[Serenity13]

You are correct MJ...The middle ground is so hard to find especially when it feels like you are walking in quicksand

Journaling...

Hubby just stopped by here...
Went outside to talk to him...
He stands there and acts like nothing is wrong...
Talks as if all is just perfectly rosy between us...
Hugs and kisses once again...
Asked me why I was so dressed up (Church class tonight) and I told him once again (twice yesterday)I had class tonight...
He didn't stay long and I wanted to just beg him to please come home...
To please stop sharing your life with the FT...
How can he stand there and profess his love to me and show affection to me and then turn around and leave like nothing is wrong?
He is the one who wanted out, he is the one who didn't want me, he is the one who left yet I am the one he comes to when he needs something...My MIL says it is because I am his only lifeline to reality...A part of me feels like running...I won't but today I want to.

[Serenity13]

Refocus dangit - The confusion snakes are out in full force - CRAP it all

[mac-ct]

Serenity - stand your ground honey. You are NOT on the defensive.

Thinks that H is finally working out that the grass needs cutting on the other side

Hugs honey!

Mac

[mac-ct]

Hey you can't say crap! It's supposed to be "cr@p"

Mac - on the way to cooker.

Catch u on the morrow.

Sweet dreams.

Mac

[Serenity13]

Thanks Mac for always offering a smile to me...Funny my MIL said almost the same thing last night about him coming to the realization that "Happy Land" isn't as happy as he thought it would be...Again then WHY isn't he home??

Sweet dreams to you as well as many many ((((Hugs))))

[SDFoundGirl]

Thanks Mac for always offering a smile to me...Funny my MIL said almost the same thing last night about him coming to the realization that "Happy Land" isn't as happy as he thought it would be...Again then WHY isn't he home??

Hmmm...because it takes them some time to:

1) Fully realize they're idiots and the fantastic life they'd imagined in alien-dream-fantasy land is, in the end, sorta crappy;

2) Fully realize they've made a huge mistake, especially since you're so darn fabulous with your GAL and 180s and you seem so much happier and healthier than he does (and Ms. Scabies);

3) Fully realize the extent of the damage they've caused and begin to feel the worry and anxiety of losing you, this fabulous woman that he now knows he doesn't deserve;

4) Get over their shame, embarrassment, and egos enough to draw up the courage to come back with their skunky tails between their legs because:

*they worry you'll punish them for the rest of their lives
*they worry you'll tell them HELL NO when they ask to come
back;
*they're afraid to admit their faults and mistakes.

#4 is where some of them get hung up. Their egos can't survive what they've done, and so they move on to avoid the shame and embarrassment. This is where the LBS has to demonstrate unconditional love for the S without condoning or liking the actions for the S.

You might think about what you'd require of your H BEFORE you allow him to return to your home with your children. What must he agree to? No contact? Transparency? Marriage counseling? Start thinking about this, and get clear about the things that will be required to heal yourself and this marriage if he wants to reconcile.

I will tell you...piecing has a lot of ups and downs, especially for the LBS. After fighting for so long, I was surprised to reach a point where I was absolutely furious with my H and questioning whether I wanted to continue, and this was many months into piecing. A lot of hard work has to happen there.

Have you begun working on figuring out who you are and what you want out of life? Who is Serenity? Find that beautiful, amazing woman inside of you. What's she like?

SD

[Deep]

SDFG: absolutely. Detaching for your own sanity and moving on has its consequences, even deep into the recovery period. You find yourself again, you gear yourself for life on your own terms without WAW if necessary. It's a bit disorientating at times to piece, much less when the feelings of resentment and hurt surface.

Yups, when hubby dearest decides to wake up, he'll crawl back and think you can both move on like it's buried in the dark past, with no need to resolve anything about what happened with the A.

[mac-ct]

SD - great post.

4) Get over their shame, embarrassment, and egos enough to draw up the courage to come back......

that's where some of them get hung up. Their egos can't survive what they've done, and so they move on to avoid the shame and embarrassment. This is where the LBS has to demonstrate unconditional love for the S without condoning or liking the actions for the S.

Spot on. I actually do love my W (surprise ) but I definitely do not love how she's handled this sitch.

Serenity, SD, Deep - sleep well.

Catch u later after a full day at work

Mac

[Serenity13]

SD - Again I thank you for your insight...

The first thing I did when I read DR was make a list of what needed to be done in order for us to overcome this...
Not just things for him but for myself as well...

Some for him - absolutely NC with either exes, FB and MS closed, no secret email accounts, change his phone number, complete transparency as well as marriage counseling so we don't end up back in this same sitch 5 years from now...My trust is no longer given freely and it has to be earned back...

Some for me - Time for us alone...We always have one or both boys with us no matter what and never made time for each other...Patience is something I lacked and I have learned about rather quickly...Realizing he isn't here to provide my happiness, I provide that on my own...Forgiveness (though probably won't ever forget) is something I have been working on and to me that means not throwing it up in his face every chance I get...

I refuse to allow him to come back and sweep this all under the rug like it never happened...We have to deal with it together and only then can we move onto a stronger better marriage then before...

In my mind as long as he is still talking to the OW then all bets are off...

I get up each day, say my prayers, spend time with the little one and then off to work I go...

I am trying to keep him in the back of my mind instead of the front...

There are days I seem to pray more then I talk and then other days I just send up thanks for all I have...

I don't want to live in the past and hubby has a real problem with living in the present (always has)...

Something goes wrong and bam he is back to calling his old HS GF - From day one of our marriage this has happened...

Everything good and then a few years down the road and she is once again in the picture...

This has happened around 6 times (though no EA/PA) and I am tired of it...

This time he pulls his old middle school GF out of the past and took it way to far...

Somehow he has to work on that as well because I can't do this again...

I would absolutely break...

I tried to write myself a letter but wanted you to know that I have been unable to find any value in myself...I rack my mind and come up with nothing - How sad is that however I am still working on it...

"#4 is where some of them get hung up. Their egos can't survive what they've done, and so they move on to avoid the shame and embarrassment." My greatest fear in all this mess

[mac-ct]

And that last part of that last paragraph is what we all feel (unless we've given up).

Enjoy your day - I'll try to do the same with my evening

Hugs Serenity.

Mac