Quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So...I ASSume from the general trend of your posts that mistrust is not the NORM. In other words, would you say that most days you are OK with your trust level and suspicions? MOST days OK and some days better than just OK I don't have a real solution other than this to offer...
sounds like these feelings have been spurred on by an uncomfortable anniversary. an uncomfortable anniversary possibly added onto by the fact that h isn't going to arive home as early as I'd have liked (the kids and I bought a tiny cake to have for him tonight after dinner but he's missed dinner and wont be home til at least the typical time at wich dd gets started on bedtime. though h did call during the day with an explenation of how crappy his day was going having been tied up extra time at a job leaving him to come home late, I did entertain thoughts of "ya right, she's taking you out for lunch or something you bastard" but did my best to hide it. and maybe just maybe there's a bit of residual from h's being away, and though he was great about calling me at least a few times a day and dropping several ily's, his greeting when he arived home was not notable (ok so it was 2am and I was asleep on the couch but still nothing the next evening either?)
AND, these feelings aren't about anything in h's behavior BUT are about fears and memories. mostly yes. I say mostly only because if what happend hadn't have happend then I wouldn't being thinking of ow in particular I would simply be thinking..."he doesn't even care to come home and have a special dinner and b-day cake with his kids?" but then I know that's me expecting him to feel about things the way I do...after all today is only his birthday and I am making dinner for him and his family (inlaws and all) on saturday.
I'd say it's perfectly AOK to "sit with" that. Saying to yourself...I'm feeling mistrust today because of the anniversary and because I'm feeling afraid. It's not something I can control...etc.
IOW...note it, feel it deeply if that helps you (it doesn't help everyone but you'd know best) and remind yourself that it's based on FEELING not action.
So...what are you guys doing for h's bday? well as I said I wanted to make something nice for him for dinner but he's going to be late so I just fed the kids and made him a plate. The kids and I bought one of those tiny b-day cakes and even wrote in the smallest I could write with icing "Happy birthday daddy" I had hoped though he'd be late he'd at least be early enough for all of us to sing for him and have a slice but he won't be ariving til dd's bedtime and bedtime and chocolate cake don't mix well. I've had a head cold since h went on his vaca and didn't sleep much while he was gone so I was thinking of just going to bed after putting dd to bed.
Would bringing this up to h tomorrow or the day after help you? it would help me, but I doubt it would help him. Kind of in the same vane as the relief a betraying spouse feels to get the truth out at the cost of hurting the betrayed. Sure I'd feel good to let it out, but how would h feel to know that he is still not trusted?
Sage
thanks for stopping by KAW,
Quote: How did you know about the call and card last year? the call..at that time h hadn't realized I was checking his cell so I saw her # I asked him about it and he said she called to say happy birthday, I don't even know if it was on his actual birthday or not but that was the excuse. The card....well back in may before I went to fla with the kids..one night I took his keys and drove down to his office and found locked in a safe some letters and pictures from her, in they were folded and stapled inside a birthday card from her signed love T. those are the letters he now claims to have put in her mailbox for "closure" (where did he get that word??)
Take it from someone that knows, if there is still contact, it will reach you in one form or another. I'd like to believe that KAW, but they had been talking daily and having lunch together at least once a week for A YEAR before it go back to me and that was only because they happend to bump into someone who is "my people" (can't say someone who knows me cause there are plenty that know me that wouldn't say cause they are "his people" know what I mean?) the likelihood of that occuring again are few it may take another year. As far as finding concrete evidence? I'd have to hire a spy. h pays the bills so there are no records for me to see, h has a cell phone, and office phone, a po box, two offices, and is the boss so can be anywhere at anytime.
So take the lack of evidence as being there is no evidence, because it doesn't exist! yet?
Sorry this is breif, but its the end of the day for me and I have somewhere to be, plus I feel a bit raw about the subject still after posting last nite. Now sure I the best person to return your post right now, but I believe I'm on the opposite side spectrum right now than you are. Just wanted pu that out there in case that might help.
'til later, KAW
I don't know...suppose I should just accept the fact that at times I will feel this way. I don't like it, I'm sure h wouldn't like to know that I feel this way (of course he'd do his best to understand). I can deal with feeling this way while working toward the future what scares me is the threat of always feeling this way year after year...I don't want that in my m but I don't know how to get rid of it.
