Well, at least I am settling into a predictable pattern - loneliness sets in more readily when the kids are away. I guess I have to start really setting up some outside things to do that start early in the day so I get up and out before I start to wallow.

X has taken a back-seat to my thoughts, as has also become more usual. There, but not there - not like it used to be. It becomes more and more abstract.

The friend down the street stopped me today as I was driving by. We talked about her vacation, some other things. Then she brought up how x had called her about a month ago, inviting her and her family to his and gf's house. She finally said no, she just wasn't comfortable with the whole thing, all that had happened (with the lies to her included), how she had watched me go through hell and could never accept his R with that woman. He said she had to separate me from him, that we were no longer a couple. He gave her an ultimatum - accept it as he is with all he comes with, or be done. She said ok, bye.

I'm still not sure if our friendship has cooled because of all that has happened, if she was more connected to him than me, if work and kid schedules have changed, or if it is just the cycle of things. But the kids and I have been invited to her S's party on Saturday, and she asked me to come to the family time. So we'll go.


btw, I did write a note to MIL and FIL over the past weekend / lonely time:
Quote:
I am sorry that I snapped at you today. It is just sometimes, when you ask What is it this time, or what is wrong now...
well, you know what is wrong. And it makes me feel guilty for having weak moments, for being sad. Yesterday was hard. There will be days like that. I tried to tell you, but you seem exasperated that I can't shut up about it, put on the happy face and move on with my life. I am sorry if my openness makes you uncomfortable sometimes. At least I have become able to compartmentalize it and not let it affect the children (I dearly hope).

I wanted to talk to you and Dad about something.

I have been feeling guilty, too, for being in the way of your relationship with your own children. You and Dad may say that it isn't the case, but I think it is. Even without anyone saying anything or talking about it, I think the sibs are very hurt, like you have "taken sides" against one of their own. Mary talks about not leaving anyone behind. And how hurt she was when people at church seemed surprised that she was your daughter, not me.
And the rift between you and Chuck...

I think it is part of my looking at my own relationship with my mom. How, no matter how hard I tried, how "good" I was, she just couldn't really connect with me. It left me always trying to bend and please others and feeling that I wasn't worth anything in the end.
I think Chuck felt something like that way, too. Have I told you the story of the storm windows at your house? It was no where near the same extent, but I think criticisms of him tore him up inside, made him a very insecure person.

I guess what I am saying is, it is too late for me to repair any kind of relationship with my own parents, my own mom. And the repurcutions will echo through my whole life for that. It is one of the main reasons I am still struggling.

Please, try to reconcile with your son. I love him, and I know how much it must hurt him to be apart from you. He needs that unconditional love we talked about in the women's group. Maybe someday, with you being able to finally open up communication with him, he will learn to communicate, too. Maybe he needs your example to learn what unconditional love is.
In the end, I just want him to be happy, and you, too.
Forgiveness does not mean condoning.

You are probably the best, closest friend I have right now. And although it is a scary thought, I would understand if you decided that you needed some distance from me in order to heal the rest of the family. I don't want to be selfish or be the issue that stands in the way of that.

Words cannot express the gratitude and love I have for you and Dad. I can only hope that you all start talking together and work it all out.

The recent emails I get from DivorceCare have been about forgiveness and reconcilliation, even if a marriage is not restored. I don't want to hurt forever, be an angry and bitter woman. I am working on myself every day. I copied one here; it might make interesting reading if you go to the home page, where you could see any one of the 365 readings, each sent daily.