WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[givingitmyall]

CIPA,

I did not grow up in quite the same situation as what MIGHT be the case for you and your boy(s)(?).

But, my parents D'd when I was an infant. My mom re-married (2nd of 4th H for her - yeah, I know, issues, but this is your thread) and my step-father adopted me. No one told me until I was 12-13 that my step father wasn't my father. (Yeah, more issues).

My point is, although I formed a R with my biological father and had a good R with him until he passed away in 2003, it wasn't the same as the one I had/have with my step-father. In fact, I don't even think about my step-father as my step-father. He's my dad, b/c he's the one who raised me and who has been a father to me even after my batshi$ crazy mom D'd him. HE was the one who coached my little league football and baseball. He's the one who stood on the sideline with me at my high school homecoming football games. While I knew who my biological father was (and spent time getting to know him), my step-father was and is my Dad.

Biology isn't important when it comes to emotions. If those boy(s) think you are their father, THEN YOU ARE. And I don't give a dam# what a DNA test says. Don't lose sight of that. They will need you.

Not trying to make you cry (although I can feel a lump in my throat- maybe it's getting close to my time of the month....sorry).

[confusedinpa]

Dang it, I cried again. I am soooo sorry to read all that.

I have to get a grip of my emotions.

I do want to be there for my boys.

The crazy part of it was when I told her about my job offer (200 miles away), she complained about how I am going to be just like her dad, abandoning and not being around for the kids. I couldn't believe that she is accusing me of being like her dad when she knew all along that she was cheating on me like her dad to to her mom. She hated her dad for that. Her mom continued to wait for him to come back (never dated and didn't file for divorce for 10+ years, until he wanted to marry someone else).

Guess the apple didn't fall far from the tree. Just a shame it was the Dad tree, not the mom tree......

I still get sick about what I read in the emails. I actually threw up after dinner tonite. Guess I'm going to be on track to lose another 25 lbs....

[sandi2]

I would do anything for my boys but I can't forgive her for what she has done (the cheating, the lying, the blaming, and the crap!).

It is b/c you are so angry at "her" and you are talking out of a lot of emotions that are spilling all over the place. You need to figure out how you can love your S3 and not tie him into the bad feelings you have toward your W. It would be better for you (and certainly for S3) to not think about how he could possibly be OM's child b/c if you don't figure out how to divide those feelings, you will think about the A when you look at S3...and you don't want it to be that way. Neither do you want to make a difference between your oldest son and the youngest. They are so samart and if S3 detects any coldness or bitterness from you, he won't understand why and will simply think that you love his brother more than him.

I always admired a woman who could give birth to a baby she concieved when raped. It seems that every time that mother would look at the baby it would remind her of that horrible experience, but somehow she overcomes the bad and is able to love that which is innoncent and good.

I pray that when you look at your sweet little boy's face--you will see that which is innoncent and good and never relate him with an affair. There was a younng man who use to be here on the board and his W had an A and then she discovered she was pregnant. To make a long story short, he DB the M and he chose not to have a DNA b/c he wanted that baby and chose to make the child his. The baby was born and looked just like him (lol) but he still didn't have the test. The M was doing well, but the point was that he "chose" to make that child--his child.

[MrBond]

Did she try to contact you today?

[confusedinpa]

Did she try to contact you today?

No she did not.

I text her close to the boys bed time to have them Skype with me (I had given them a laptop, which is how I got her passwords from the monitoring software that I installed to keep on eye on my 7 year old's internet usage). She said that they were still out but would be able to Skype at 9.

My 7 year old said that they were late because mommy took his laptop to Best Buy to have it checked out (she used the excuse that the power outage may have hurt it). I know it was to look for the spy software. It was still on the laptop as it monitored our skype chat. I don't know if they just found it and told her or what.

She changed her passwords this afternoon. It doesn't matter. I have all the info I need now (my cousin downloaded all her emails from her private account). I'm actually glad that I don't have them so I won't waste any more of my time of reading that trash.

It was great to "see" my boys again. They had a blast skyping with me again. I think they were a little disappointed that I wasn't out so that they could see my friends again. I'm suppose to go out with a crew from work tomorrow again, so I think I will let them do just that again (so they can see how much fun I was having).

They were so funny talking and laughing. My 3 year old put a post it note on his brother and said that was his price tag. I asked how much was it. He said $4 bucks. I told them both that they were absolutely priceless and there isn't enough money in the world to buy them. (I know she heard and is worried that I will bury her in legal fees fighting for the boys).

I told them I was waiting to talk to them and had watched the video I made of them driving the go karts. I played the video for them (shared the screen) so I know she heard how much fun we had.

The boys and I even did a hug (we hugged the screens) when we said goodnite. I also told them that I had really exciting weekend planned so I couldn't wait to see them on Friday.

The only thing she said was that it was getting late so they need to get off the computer.

I could see her pacing back and forth in the background so I know she heard the entire conversation.

It is a weird feeling being detached. My heart used to jump a bit when I heard her voice or saw her. Now there is nothing but disgust.

I spent time chatting with one of my close friends (he was my neighbor for 8 years and is in law enforcement). I told him about the latest in the mess and my concern about my 3 year old. He thought I was nuts. He is in law enforcement and is trained to see things and never saw any sign of a problem between my wife and I so I shouldn't beat myself up on not seeing it. Also, he sees clearly my 3 year old looks like me and has not doubt in his mind that he is my son.

Everyone is right though, he and his brother are my boys and what's left of my family. Nothing in this world will ever change that.

I appreciate everyone's support.

[givingitmyall]

I'm praying for you CIPA. You're a good father.

I'm glad your day is ending on a positive note. You deserve it.

[mindfull]

CIPA - You are a first class father and H. She's a fool.

[confusedinpa]

...... the point was that he "chose" to make that child--his child.

Sandi

God created my boys and presented them to me as my children, both of them will always be that and I will love them always.

This was temporary insanity when I found this crap out.

Even tonite, when I saw them both in the Skype session, I just felt the pure unconditional love in their eyes as we talked. I'm sure I looked pretty crappy as I was out really late (had to take a cab back to the hotel) and only got 3 hours of sleep. But it was unconditional love, so it didn't matter.

I'm not angry at her. I'm actually disgusted by her. Maybe that's the same, but infidelity is something that I can not forgive. This is compounded by the fact that she lied and beat me with her guilt (even last nite when she was confronted by it) while she with with other men.

Thanks for all the support Sandi. I am sorry I let you down in not busting this divorce with all the guidance and wisdom you had taken the time to share with me.

I know she is weird (it has been said time and time again). Now that I know, her weirdness I believe is driven by the guilt that will eat at her for the rest of her life. I am now released from my guilt.

[confusedinpa]

I'm praying for you CIPA. You're a good father.

I'm glad your day is ending on a positive note. You deserve it.

CIPA - You are a first class father and H. She's a fool.

Thank you for that. Both of you. While it didn't work out for me, I do continue to pray for everyone on this board that they will get the strength and wisdom in their situations.

Take care.

[Deep]

Hi CIPA. Just a word to add encouragement too. I also found out about the A by catching an email in the trash bin after months of suspecting. Granted, it was mainly emotional crap, but it ate at me for far too long, even after the healing was well under way. The wounds are bleeding raw for you now, but try to keep in mind to let it go as you move on.

And your sons are your sons. That look of love you see in their eyes is for you, and you alone.

Stay strong.