Asking her why she friended OM - what answer could she possibly deliver that would make it appropriate at this critical CRITICAL point in their marriage? What's the point in asking?
The point in asking is to get information and try to understand the other person's point of view. It says to the other person, "I care about you and your feelings. I hope that you also care about me and my feelings." As long as both people approach each other will hardened feelings and closed minds, there will be no improvement in the marriage.
I agree with the idea of starting the discussion in an open minded way, and listening to her answers and adjusting the response accordingly.
Based on experience, I can almost predict her response: "It's no big deal" (it is to me) "we're just friends, and it doesn't mean anything. I'm not still chasing him." (Baloney) "I can do what I want" "It's not like we are really married right now" (Yes we are, but W is actively pushing me away)
Also, since she has in the past agreed to delete him and has committed to no contact, I have to hold on to that. There is a reason I demanded it initially, and it would eat me alive to back down on it.
Unless her answer really surprises me ans is somehow believable, reasonable and not destructive to our M, I have to request that she delete him again.
So, she might surprise me by immediately apolgizing and agreeing to delete him again, (in which case I have to wonder about whether I want to be in an R where I have to control her this way) but most likely the question will lead to a big discussion about the R and our future.
I have to plan how I act and respond in this case. Unless I swallow my needs and back down, I see little chance that this discussion won't become a confrontation.
The majority of my thoughts right now are around how am I going to respond. How much accomodation am I willing to make for the situation (pending retro and her mom), knowing that this most likely weakens me in her eyesa, vs how strongly do I want to react, enforce the boundary, and take charge of my own destiny.
Last edited by Thinker; 08/11/0903:54 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
After a couple of days of relatively little contact (while traveling), I confronted Mrs. Thinker about her (re)new(ed) facebook friend.
I wanted to wait until I was home for a face to face discussion, but for various reasons proceeded over the phone earlier this evening. I found that in the end, the phone probably helped me because a) I could use my notes during the discussion, which really helped me and b) it made for a relatively easy escape during the uncomfortable period afterward.
I was mentally completely ready to start D proceedings depending on how that conversation went. Right now, I really have reached that point where if she were to persist in pursuing a relationship outside of the M, I would consider that as her final decision to leave, and would proceed accordingly and start dissolving the M.
In the end, however, her response was different from what I expected:
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Me (calmly): I noticed on facebook that you were friends with OM again. I thought we had an agreement about that. Why did you do that?
Her (quietly)...ummm I don't know. He invited me and I responded yes. It's not really a big deal, but I guess I'll delete him again.
Me: It is a really big deal. When you do that I feel disrespected, I feel unappreciated and disregarded, and I feel foolish and taken advantage of . By doing that you are destroying what is left of our M. I refuse to share you with another man...
Her: You are not sharing me with him. I am not in contact wih him.
Me: This IS being in contact with him.
Her: OK, I'll delete him again.
------
After that there was a long, uncomfortable pause in the conversation, and then I talked a bit about the logistical planning we had to do for the upcoming weekend, and we closed the call.
I don't think she knows how close she came to having me drop my own bomb on her.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Good for you man. I would say that had to be a tough call, but given your state of mind, I'm not sure it was all that difficult. Certainly not pleasant though.
You said what you needed to say and you did it the right way.
I am now catapulted right back into limboland. W doesn't want to be M'd, but is not making steps toward D. She is quietly putting out feelers (no overt external R's), but backs down quickly when I call her on it.
It's not where I want to be, but it's OK between now and Retro in Sept.
I am now starting to agree with my W, however. "After Retro, if nothing has changed, a change needs to be made."
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
AK==so is this where you are a/k? I can't find your thread due to my lousy memory of which title it is and how crowded my thread is with posts to you know who....
sorry. IF this is NOT your thread, fear not! I will find you sometime! j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
AK==so is this where you are a/k? I can't find your thread due to my lousy memory of which title it is and how crowded my thread is with posts to you know who....
sorry. IF this is NOT your thread, fear not! I will find you sometime! j-
Hey 25, A&K's thread is: Dreams of a New Normal...
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
