And, not to speak for 25, we all know it's not working for him -- he is unable to help himself.
I'm taking a break from him. My BIL is in the last weeks of his battle with cancer, and I just don't have the energy to spare. Dealing w/his death, and then reading the daily nonsense that Kevin spews -- can't do it.
Stacy
In Kevin's defense, somehow the comfort he is getting out of this is outweighing the negatives. I know this only from my own experience. I was ready to drive off a cliff. Rock f*cking bottom and that is when things shifted. He has to hit his bottom. I don't judge it, I relate to it and feel pity.
Reposting so this hits the next page. Alright so, yay for me, I am detached to the extent that I can even see pictures of H with other women and it doesn't bother me. F*cking free at last.
Now, I have made it clear to H that I am moving on and I am. I am open to dating, I am actively pursuing job opportunities, looking for a place to live, reconnecting with friends, doing my thang. I have about a 1-2% window of "what if..." which I am more than comfortable living with...I don't pine for him.
My general feeling is that I don't care to speak to him, see him, interact with him. It is not hostile, just sane IMO. However, the more detached I am, the more he finds reasons to connect with me (re: kids etc), things I really don't need to be involved in or discuss. I rarely take his calls. And, I have been pretty adept at handling his reactions. For example "Oh so you're ignoring my calls, funny." To which I respond, "No H, just busy and email is more convenient for me." But he persists, wants the banter and the contact.
Today he sent a text about someone he wants to hook me up with to help with promoting my biz, someone who is a "good friend" of his. Now, I don't want any drama or enmeshment with him so I didn't answer and was going to come on here first but he texted again about it. So, I said for him to give her my info. He said that she wants to know x,y and z. I said I'd be happy to talk to her and that way he wont be in the middle and "I think that is best, don't you?" He texted "Ok AK," that he is just trying to help and he is not in the middle. I said thanks again and "I think what I said is reasonable" and "all good." I like how I handled it. I am not really in a position to refuse "help" but I will not partake in anything that involves him, I am wary of even doing business with anyone who knows him but he knows EVERYONE so I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face...
Now, on the D front. Not only do I not have money for a lawyer right now, I don't have money to pay the bills and H is bugging ME about getting a job while his income is plummeting as he chases his dream and lives life in Lalaland. I had it out with him last week and really told him what I thought about his lack of awareness and drive to man up and take care of his family (he can make at least 4-5 times what I can because he has built his career with me by his side for 14 years). But, I am done chiding him. If he was that guy who put his family first, we'd still be together. So, I am looking for work and accepting that at some point soon we will make a legal agreement and settle the issue of what he owes me. I am over trying to make it "fair". I made my choices and he made his and as long as I am represented, I will take my allotment and move on.
In the meantime, I don't like him or really respect him. I don't want to know about his life or his happenings or his "opportunities". I want him to "show me the money" or shut the f*ck up (I can be honest here, right?)...
So, what I really want here from you is guidance and support on how to maintain civility and set my boundaries at the same time. I am doing pretty good. But, every once in a while, he throws me off or I feel either too defensive or I feel a tiny bit of that "how should I play this" nonsense (that 1-2% agenda thingy)...in a perfect world we would find a way to step up for each other and love each other BUT that is not even within the realm of possibility at this juncture and I have accepted that I can have an awesome life without him. I don't want to operate with the DB agenda, I want to take care of myself and do what is best for me and my kids. I believe that civility with diligent boundaries are the healthiest choices for my kids (if it were just me, we'd have ZERO contact).
In short (LOL), I am detached and detaching and he wants to win points with me, ingratiate himself to me and the kids, look good to his friends ("see, she's happy and I'm a good guy hooking her up with work")...thoughts on navigation?
Oh ya! That is why I'm here. I see it coming and I want to "handle it". And like I said, I get these truly itty bitty sneaky feelings of "if I handle it right, things might work out." [/quote]
Trust me, AAK, whatever happens with your marriage -- things WILL work out. You and your kids, sister, you and your kids.
This sucks a** for my kids. That's the truth but I'm handling it. I'm not clear yet if there is a better way. We don't have enough money for clothes or toys at both places so they lug stuff back and forth. When I have clarity, I will propose an alternative. Until then, this is how it is.
I am just handling the baggage and turmoil that comes with the territory and though it weighs on me because it is traumatic for my kids. But, I really am in an accepting place.
This sucks a** for my kids. That's the truth but I'm handling it. I'm not clear yet if there is a better way...
I am just handling the baggage and turmoil that comes with the territory and though it weighs on me because it is traumatic for my kids. But, I really am in an accepting place.
Hey A&K,
Great job on the overall 'tude... And I agree with you, this is the part that $ucks most once you've detached, watching what it does to the kids...
-AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
Well I found you but would not have if it weren't for MY name here...
Alas, my time here has been spent on K4's thread and unlike you, I can't handle him anymore. I swear to God if he wants to discuss Catholicism with me one more time I will screw my head in the ceiling....$%^&!!!
ANyhow, am on my way to do my biz thing tonight so cannot say much except props to YOU AK for getting to this point. The party is Saturday? Who are these "new friends"? Are they your son's or your....H's? (I want to call him something else....later)
I will post more later. Things are good here, but you are on track for more than surviving. LOVE The way you handled the pestering texts. WTH Is wrong with him? Is he in 8th grade? You pull away so he pushes....yeah we got it the first 4 years...
Alright I'll be late for my thing if I get sucked in now. Um, thanks for clarifying the thread title b/c we left town for a few days and when I got back could not find YOUR thread although I found YOUR comments elsewhere....(If you can pick up the slack with k4 have at it but you won't get ANYWHERE on the religion with him...he won't see it. Not can't. WON'T.) He'll deflect his energy and dig himself a hole to hide in and stay there, and feel MORALLY RIGHT!!))
Dang, I am getting sucked into HIS thread now and I'm on YOURS....how weird is that?
Gotta go but will post more later, take care of YOURSELF and young' uns.
J-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
