If one week of no sex will kill him, I'm dead... lets see... well, lets just say.... really, really, really dead!
My guess is that your H is partly in denial, and partly thinks he has everything under control. (Where everything would be you.) He isn't going to be happy when he realizes he doesn't.
Based on what trauma you have experienced I dont understand how you would even want to be intimate with him let alone care about how he feels being rejected. You have every right to feel sick to your stomach at the very thought of being "physical" with him. He is a selfish pig right now and needs to be woken up before he looses you and his family.
You really need to focus on what's important right now. And him being physically satisfied should not be on the top of your list.
The fact that you feel OBLIGATED to please him is a major part of why you are in this mess.
Once again just because 2 people are married does not mean the other person GIVES UP their identity and VALUES to satisfy their partner. That is a very unhealthy, controling R and should not be tolerated.
Your partner should TRULY RESPECT your BOUNDARIES and LIMITATIONS.
Good luck w MC. Hold your ground and STICK to your BOUNDARIES.
I really feel for you in this sitch, but I want you to look closely at your sitch.
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His other big peeve aginst me- I don't tell what I'm truly thinking. That is admitted- it's a bad habit I got into when I was scared. Later when I would try to tell him what I was thinking, especially over the last couple years, I was repeatedly told why I was wrong to think/feel the way I did, and after awhile, it became easier to just say nothing and go along with the program. First I stopped telling what I thought and felt, now I don't even tell him what happens during my day. I don't have much to say except for family business matters. Bottom line for him, our problems are still all on me...
This is a classic form of mental abuse, anyone trying to tell you your feelings are wrong, is abusing you. Your feelings are not wrong. Feelings are feelings, simple as that, and you are entitled to your own feelings, whatever they may be.
Opening up to someone about your feelings and having them tell you they are wrong, is a subtle form of manipulation and control.
I never realized this, and take it from me, I see in the past how I had done this to my own W. I was abusive at times like this. That is the hardest thing to have to admit, but you must see it to be able to fix it.
Your H reeks of narcissism, and you ARE in an abusive relationship, in my opinion. I hope that he can see this at some point, and I hope your MC can help!
I do firmly believe that some of us can change, once our eyes are truly opened, and I wish you the best.
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If he feels troubled, he does a good job of hiding it, or he's in denial.
I would bet he doesn't feel anything about this currently. His actions and trying to get you go back into swinging make that evident. He does not see himself as 'in the wrong' here, as it's about him and his happiness. That's part of the narcissist code...
Boy, I wished I could just give you a hug, and commend you for the strength you have had to even start to do what is right for you. Keep it up!
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
SP, stop with the sexual gratification of your h. You are sending mixed signals and it is not exactly an activity that is filled with love and affection for you. Isn't this what you are trying to change?
Also, it sounds like he is testing the waters and will gradually drag you back into the lifestyle. You need to leave him. Really.
To put it simply, he's treating you like a vibrator. He's got two hands, let him use them.
Use lost whatever "connection" you had with him because it's become all about sex to him. There's no emotion. To him, you're nothing more than a blow up doll. I'm glad you're putting your foot down, but stop with the showers together and f*cking. I use the term f*ck because that's what you're doing. It's not ML.
He has no respect for you and because of your lifestyle, he feels he can get it from someone else which scares the hell out of you. Take a step back and look at your sitch from the outside. Are you the person you want to be?
Put your foot down, preferably on your H's @$$ and get your RESPECT back.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
The fact that you feel OBLIGATED to please him is a major part of why you are in this mess.
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Use lost whatever "connection" you had with him because it's become all about sex to him. There's no emotion... I use the term f*ck because that's what you're doing. It's not ML.
Both statements are very true, and I've known that for a while. We're not making ML- I actually shuddered at the idea when discussing it with my IC. I try to avoid the missionary position with H because it's too intimate- I'll go for positions that keep some distance between our faces. When I let go of the sex, it's all over. There's nothing left except for being co-parents, and we don't need to be together to be good parents. I'm OK with that.
So- my boundary for the next week at least- H is cutoff starting tonight until we see the MC. Let's see what this M really looks like. I can do this.
(How ironic is this? Most people here have the opposite problem- a sexless marriage but they still love their spouse. Sex is all my M has and my emotions are walled off.)
I think you are doing the right thing at this point of not have intimate relations with your H. He probably thinks that sex is a way to show you that he loves you. He has no other ways of showing his feelings to you would be my guess?
This is from what I have gathered from my own stitch. My H has said that he feels that sex is the bgest way to show someone that you love them. I believe that there are other ways. And if you H is kinda like mine then that may be what he thinks too.
I agree with STOPPING.
I am thinking about you and praying for you to have the strength to see this through until you can go to the MC.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
I couldn't disagree more, given SB's sitch. l-n-i, what in the world about Bunny's sitch would lead you to believe that her h, by having sex, is "showing her how much he loves her??"
Following your logic, just how much "love" is he showing the swingers?
Love and sex are NOT connected for H. He is very good at separating the two, I'm not, and it's the only way you can make it in the swinging lifestyle. That's why H said I could sleep with whoever I wanted as long as I didn't fall in love with the guy, and he would do the same for the ladies. That was one of my problems with it- it was messing with my emotions. (And something else that I'm holding a grudge against in regards to our sex life- H admitted about a year ago that often he was just trying to get himself off and wasn't too concerned about my satisfaction. That was a kick in the stomach).
I'm also not very good at sharing. Jealousies have to be managed very carefully in the lifestyle, and I just hated watching H f*** another woman. That hurt like he!!, I can't do it, whereas H thought it was a turn-on to watch me with another guy. I could never wrap my head around that.
I'll admit, there were times I had fun flirting and I made a couple of good friends. That's been H's argument to get me to stick with it, but overall, the swinging lifestyle is just not for me- the pain outweighs the fun, and I prefer an exclusive relationship. How rebellious of me, huh?
Kimmie and SpyBunny What I am trying to say is that SB's H thinks that sex is a normal way of showing his emtions. This is true some of the time. However in this case, the H thinks that sex is the only way to feel connected to the W.
He admits that there are no feelings for the OW that he is with but he may think that when him and SB do anything that they are 'ML' in one way or another.
In his mind he can only show that he cares about her if it has something to do with sex. He can't show her that he loves her with simple jesture like flowers and such.
He thinks that she needs to do sexual favors for him to show that she loves him.
It is an abnormal way of thinking that most sex addicts adopt. I am not saying that it is good, by NO means. In my stitch, my H can call me some nasty names, say nasty things to me, and then turn around and want to have sex. I say no, and he says, then you don't love me the same way that I love you. I was wondering if Sb's stitch was similar.
A sex addicts can seperate the sexual feeling that he/she gets from being with someone that they love compared to when they are with someone 'just for the sex'. Most people, like SB, do not seperate it. They prefer to have feelings and connections with the person they are having sex with.
It's a sex addicts way. I hope I cleared it up a bit. If I was wrong, then I apologize.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
