I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[The Wifey]

I have come to the realisation that something may be terribly wrong with my physically, and its really worrying me. Over the past couple of weeks, my appetite has increased and its now back to normal. Not totally normal, as I eat a lot less now than I did when H was around, but I'm eating three meals a day nonetheless.

I just ate dinner (bigger than usual) and I weighed myself afterwards, even though that wouldn't be my average weight because I had just eaten, and well, I was surprised at what I saw. I have lost another 3 pounds in just a few days..even after eating a large dinner..?

There is nothing physically wrong with you Beepee. Call it the heartbreak diet. Your body will lose weight when you are under extraordinary stress.

[Orich]

This is true, I have lost 30 pounds since the Great Sadness started. At first, I wasn't eating and lost a bunch of weight right away. But even when I started eating like normal again, I continued to lose weight. I wouldn't worry about it too much unless and until you start to get sick or weak.

[beepee]

twistfigure: I would LOVE to learn how to play drums!

Stacy: very impressive list of instruments there! I took violin lessons when I was a kid and quit after 2 sessions because I couldn't get it right after TWO sessions and thought what was wrong with me! Silly.. And 28 feet of snow, that is absolute heaven for me!! Not the -50 F weather though, I've only experienced -30 F which was very hard because I had to walk 20 minutes to classes in it but I love breathing in that cold, crisp air!

Mishka: I can certainly see how much shorter my down days are but for some reason, I'm not doing very well today. I cried this morning when I woke up and had really bad anxiety which I haven't had for awhile and no matter what I did, I couldn't shake X off my mind. Watched tv, snapped my band, listened to music, nothing. He still stayed in place. It could be because of the dream I had last night. I dreamt he had another woman and the dream was so vivid that when I woke up, it really had an effect on me. Or maybe its the Trazodone. I was prescribed a months supply but I've only take it 3 times and everytime I take it, I don't feel too good when I wake up. Have to talk to C about that..

Wifey and Orich: I know a lot of my weight loss is due to my heartache but the thing that worries me is that in the past few days, I have felt very dizzy, nauseous and weak and my stomach has been hurting and feels quite sore. When I eat, my stomach starts to hurt right away and I've been getting really bad headaches too. This only started recently so thats why I'm worried and I think I should see someone because of the pains I'm having. I'm hoping its just me being paranoid but it doesnt hurt to go get checked.

journaling..
feel like cr*p this morning. Woke up at 7am but felt so depressed that I just turned the tv on, cried, thought about X, and then fell asleep again and woke up just now. Feeling bad both mentally and physically. I've got 2 items left to pack up and ship off and I'm hoping X sends out my stuff today so I can have it by tomorrow.

I want to start packing but have no boxes. Went to the local supermarket to see if they had any but they said they didn't until late at night when they restock and I couldn't head out that late as everyone was sleeping. Hopefully I can get head out again today and get some.

All of X's stuff are packed into my large containers and I feel like throwing everything out and using them for myself instead. But I can't do that, I have to at least give him a chance to come and pick it up. And I don't want to go through the process of looking at everything again. Too painful. I did sell some of his stuff at the market on Sunday though..Shhh don't tell him!

[beepee]

So I just had my late breakfast and just as I thought, my stomach started hurting badly and had diarrhea again

Definitely have to go see the doctor soon.

I'm feeling a bit better mentally though. Not as depressed as when I woke up. Watched some funny shows and laughed hysterically for awhile!

Feeling very tired and lazy though. Havent done anything but watch TV. I should start doing something. Pack up those items and sort through some stuff maybe.. ahh its so hard to just get up and do it!

[Virtually_Handsome]

But you know how much better you have been feeling when you can look back and see what you've done during the day!

You can do it, beeps!

[25yearsmlc]

Why don't you mail his stuff to him?

And check out the meds you are taking b/c the AD you are on, can cause those symptoms. Just a thought.

You need to be busier in your head and heart, meaning doing things that you care about. That feel better than the misery. And if you keep looking backwards, imagine trying to walk backwards. Of course you'll stumble b/c you won't see where you are going; b/c you keep looking at what might have been or what you thought was, OR what mistakes you think you made or he made or whatever....pointless now, truly.

Move forward. Please. You have to. You are wasting so much time obsessing about what you have no control over. Try not to do that. Really.

J-

[beepee]

25:

I don't know where he lives and he won't give me his address anyway. And besides, I'm too broke to send everything to him.

I'm going to talk to my C about the meds next time I go in.

I've been good at keeping busy but for some reason, these past couple of days have been dragging and I'm lacking the motivation and energy I had a few days prior. I know I'm wasting so much time obsessing. I'm trying not to, I really am. I try to do things that get my mind off him but I just cant seem to shake it. But I know I have to keep trying anyway and try harder.

[25yearsmlc]

can you imagine, with positive imagery, a life without him that is HAPPY for you?

I would suggest you come up with at least 3 images of things in your future, career, geographic, etc, that help you visualize a happy life in the future on your own? It's crucial for all of us b/c even happily married people can lose their spouses and can't just give up on life. Right? So we ALL have to know deep down that we'll be alright no matter what, eventually. Working through our grief is part of life, yes that's true. But we do MOVE on and sometimes just the images help us to know with a picture or two, that we will be well, and content, again. The timing of that is largely up to US.

J-

[mac-ct]

Beeps,

I know what you mean about dragging on and wasting time.

I promise you from my heart that things will change. I also went through a rough couple of days. With friends like we have on the board to put us on the straight and narrow, it'll pass. Take it from one that didn't think that a few hours ago!

Do what you need to do for you. The rest WILL take care of itself.

Things will just happen. Weird!

Hugs beepee.

Mac

[beepee]

25, I can. I think about it everyday and I know I can be happy without him. I just need to keep thinking about what makes me happy and actually do it. Since its been 2 months, I still think I need more time to make those changes and to be ok without having him in my life. I know I can do it, I want nothing but to be happy within.

Mac, you always make me feel better!! you really do! *BIG HUGS*

journaling..

So I decided to create a Facebook page (under beepee) and see all the people who've been such a huge help to me (what a good looking bunch you all are!!). Didn't want any of this to be attached to my real FB page as I don't want X to ever find out that I'm doing this, not now anyway.

So i'm feeling much better now. Listening to lots of music and none of the sad sappy stuff that reminds me of X. Talking to friends online, and trying to stay happy!