riding the big roller coaster...

[Stronger]

Hey there,

You said "my" children....is he not the father? I figured with such a long standing relationship, he is....am I wrong? Mostly curious.

If you are looking for books to read now that school is almost done for you FOREVER, try "How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It". Very insightful as to how men and women work and think. What drives us.

One of the things in the book is that the high majority of men who leave their marriages have some one lined up or they have their eye on someone. The very high majority of men who leave their marriages leave with an attitude of "Well, if this other thing doesn't work out I can always just go back home." My H fit both categories.

My sitch is getting better. I'm getting better. I'm sure we will have more blow outs before and if we officially reconcile, but I'm better equipped for all of it, I hope.

We've been separated since mid November. And basically, it sucks. But not 100%. There's been a lot of growing for me. I told my H not too long ago, "I think unfortunately all of this had to happen....I wasn't hearing you and this definitely got my attention." Truly, I was not the best wife. I KILLS me to admit this, but it's true. I used to be the best wife, but then I had our son, I changed careers and I became very wrapped up in so many other things and H was put on the back burner. It breaks my heart that he did try to tell me, he did try to get my attention and I just really make the decision to NOT hear him.

Now, I'm not saying I'm happy about H's EA/PA while we were separated or that it was right. I do see it as cheating, but I know that for H, when he left, he was pretty sure he wanted a divorce. For two weeks in January, he would have signed the papers if we could have afforded a divorce and again, in late April, early May, things hit the fan and his OW was REALLY yanking his chain then too.

I did throw in the towel. I have friends who ran and picked that towel back up and forced me to go on. They truly carried me when I just wanted it all to end.

I did try to walk away, but it was much harder with a child between us that both of us love very very much. Through all of this he's been a great to freaking great dad.

You feel like you are wasting energy....well, it's going to be energy to meet someone else. And what if he turns out to be a douche bag, even bigger than how your H is acting now? What if this is what you and your H had to go through too, like me and mine? It sucks. I know. It sucks the big one. But, I do believe MWD when she says marriages that survive this are so much stronger on the other side. I think more people would stay together if they understood the better comes after the worse and it's worth it. That's a quote I read somewhere, not verbatim. But you get the idea.

Now that you have school ending, it's time to really GAL and show him you are the greener grass. You are the woman millions of men would want to be with. You really are better than this other woman. You and I both know this.

My H's OW showed her true colors....it was just a matter of time and he was truly dissappointed and disgusted. So much so, he called her some colorful names. This OW will do the same. You just have to let her.

And if you want, you have every right to ask that your children not meet her yet. If you aren't comfortable with it just yet, then say so. Yes, you aren't supposed to talk about OW, but there are situations and times when you might have to. My H's OW had no interest in my S and had even less interest in being a step mother and made that pretty clear so I was lucky there.

Hang in there.

Are you on Facebook?

[hopeinwaiting]

Ahh, you hit on a problem in our marriage. Not "my" kids, "our" kids. I have a really, really bad habit (only child syndrome)of saying things our mine, not ours (my wedding, my house ... you get the picture). I think my husband felt like he was living in "my" house and decided he wanted his own space. I'm working on that little gem as well!

So.... last night I call from school to say goodnight to the kids and H is not so nice to me, nothing major just tone. But I get home and am pretty happy b/c my prof. decided we were done with the class so I'm officially done with my masters... I tell H and he hugs me really tight, says congratulations and starts to cry. I ask what's the matter and he says he just has some days like this. Then he tells me that he misses me to which I reply, I miss you too, and the girls miss you. He starts crying again and asks me "what happened to us?"..... WTF (you "fell in love with another and moved out!!!)... DID NOT SAY THAT.... I said, "We're right here, we're right here".... that was as non-relationship as I could make it. At any rate, I gave him a kiss on the head and there were some words about how hard my schooling has been on the family, I apologized for that and he said he was sorry. He said he would always be there to support me (I have to take the CPA exam next and we were talking about me needing to prepare for it)... Overall, it was nice and he left on good terms (I should say he had had a few drinks so that's where the crying came from).

I thought he would be cold and distant this morning, or embarrassed. But he was pretty nice when he showed up with coffee. Tomorrow is his last "day shift" with our girls. I'm going to miss seeing him. But alas, I'm in this for the long run, right.

Stronger, I am on FB but have way too many work/family people that I don't know about separation. Can I send you my email? I'd love to chat/talk some time. I appreciate your insight and it sounds like you are doing pretty well! Chin up : )

HIW

M 35
H 37
Ds, 2 & 5
Married 13 years
PA since March, bomb 6/16/09
sep. 6/23/09

[Stronger]

Are you on the DB or not to DB club on Facebook? I am. I'll post a message to you there so you can find me.

[Stronger]

I think he is truly confused and you need to capitalize on it. My H would have confusing times too and at first, I did nothing, thinking he need to work through it. But then about the third or fourth time, I started to "work my magic" during those bouts of confusion. I think we saw some positive outcomes. During those times, I would "remember" funny things that happened to us, or tough times we got through together. And he would always have that far away smile and I could tell he was remembering too.

I guess some might think it was sort of dirty to do that, but I figured I was up against a fantasy of a younger woman, no bills or kids or mortgages....so I wanted to remind him life is real and when it hits the fan, I'm not such a bad person to have standing next to you because if I have to, I will stand in front. I took those opportunities to remind him of that and the fun times.

[hopeinwaiting]

Stronger, I never found the FB page. I set up a new account on FB as Hope Inwaiting. Find me and I'll join all the db stuff with this acct. Thanks!

[hopeinwaiting]

Ok, so I'm getting good... got my own signature and everything : )

Well, this morning I told H when he showed up that I would call if I was going to get home after 5 due to a possible appt (never mentioned where I was going - just beauty stuff). I decided not to call him today (yeah for me) and only tell him if he called. Well, he just called to remind me that I don't have class tonight. So we chatted a couple of mins and then I told him I'd be a little late and, oh by the way, could he watch the girls on the 20th and 26th because I had plans. He said sure, I live close, anytime you need me just let me know.

I also said we needed to set up a schedule of when he wanted to see them since he's going back to teaching next week and won't be with them during the day. I did buy 2 concert tix to one of our fav groups in Oct. I plan on 1) not telling him about the concert until it is sold out (he may find out on his own, but not from me and 2) depending on our sitch either taking him or someone else and asking him to babysit. Ok, maybe not but at any rate I'm going and I sure as h&%$ don't want see him there with OW. My new reality is strange, but I'm getting used to it.

[hopeinwaiting]

Well, I am currently in the holding pattern talked about in DB. I know OW is still in the picture but H is becoming a little more relaxed around me. He took care of the girls last night so that I could go to dinner with friends. He is becoming more curious about my whereabouts and has even been snooping around my things/computer. He's never really been the jealous type... so I think this is good. At any rate, asked me for a hug, talked with me and has been calling a little more. Now if I could just get OW out of this sitch!!! Anyone have any ideas? I have to be very careful and am trying to really follow DB principles (I act as if she does not exist ... I don't ask him questions about his life.... I am pretty low key). I am going to start to get him to spend more time with the girls for their sake (and it would obviously mean less time with OW). Any rate.... have a great weekend.

HIW

[hopeinwaiting]

Ok, so I guess I need to journal. I'm really at a loss these days. I miss him so much and yet I am so angry at him as well. My daughter started kinder this morning and it is just one of those days where FAMILY means something and I wish he was in our lives as the husband and dad he once was. He did take my D backpack shopping this weekend and I'm very grateful that she got to spend time with him. He also called this morning to see how her first morning went. Also nice. One strange thing that I am wondering about (and shouldn't since trying to figure out WAS's is impossible), he bought me a wonderful flip video camera when he was out with D. A "graduation" present for me. Well, I thought it was some $50 item, but it turns out it was $200 (which he can't afford right now - but oh well). Purely guilt???? Don't know. My friend (divorced) says it's all guilt, but it didn't seem that way. I'm enjoying the gift at least. I just don't understand how we can be so pleasant to each other, almost happy when we around each other (very infrequently) and yet he is living somewhere else (ok, I know the answer is OW and so why shouldn't he be happy- he has two women that want him). Wish I could speed up time or read his mind. His birthday is coming up and I think I'm going to get him a small, but meaningful present (from me and the girls). I know I should be happy to be in a relatively good holding pattern, but this is so hard. I can't be in a holding pattern forever. Can't live like this.

[hopeinwaiting]

Journal: D's first day at kinder was a brilliant success. I called h so that he could talk to d about day and she invited him to dinner (something I had already mentioned to him at @Stronger's suggestion). He told me "ok, I'll drop by for a margarita". We went to our neighborhood restaurant and he actually stayed for about 1 1/2 hours. We chatted and laughed and I noticed that at one point (while I was holding younger D) he reached over to her and then touched my arm and lingered a bit. At any rate, things got a little uneasy when we discussed next month's finances (I told him he needed to start paying his own car insurance and half of ds' medical insurance). The only really weird moment was when we were discussing dreams and I brought up that I had dreamt that I had not seen him for a while and was 9 months pregnant (well, h has had a vasec. so I guess that implied it wasn't his???) Oh, well. Overall, nice evening. He really is a pretty good friend... I guess if this goes south, we could at least be friendly to each other. I know he cannot afford to continue the lifestyle that he has chosen so now I am wondering if money will become an issue between us.

[hopeinwaiting]

Journal: Ok, I don't have to like this guy right now - but I continue to choose to love him. Working on being lovingly detached. I hope (whatever the outcome) he experiences some growth from this situation... I'm finally seeing some growth on my end. I am beginning, just beginning to see that my life and my family can continue and be complete with him. (sure I'll backtrack ... but baby steps are better than nothing).