I can't sleep, I'm just stunned at all of the recent revelations and what H has been putting you through, I thought I had it bad when I found one pic that W had of OM's *** in her hand but it sounds like you found the whole cest pit of **** your H was carrying on with OW.
I really wish I had further advice to offer but I'm just astounded by the wealth of input you are getting and how everyone has rallied around you.
You're in my thoughs (as I can't sleep)but I can see and feel that although it's painful now you will pull through.
Take care Lan
PS I know its tough but you can draw inspiration from others like John(210) and kerry k (and others) who have shown there is life after infidelity of the crappiest nature.
((((Sunshine))))
PPS your thread title #65 finally !!!!! seems to take on a new meaning now. (#65Finally!!!!... we have the truth)
Kalni, I've been following this latest development in your story, and I'm so sorry! I found out about my H's A in much the same way, though through TMs instead of Email. It certainly does hit you right in the gut. I'm so impressed with your ability to feel the pain, pick yourself up, regroup and continue forward! You're an inspiration.
After reading about your discovery, I'm glad I didn't read more than the first two incriminating TMs. I don't want to know, much less see. That must have been horrible.
I see at least one upside here -- it tipped you over into really being done. I'm still early in this after a very long R and M -- 2/3 of my life -- and although I have the advantage of age and experience and grown Ds, I have less time to rebuild my life. Cherish the opportunities that time provides!
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
I would really love to find the a$$hole who wrote the book for these adulterous WASs. There are so many of us here who have had to live this; it's unspeakable.
My x really did drive me crazy. I believed all of the BS he fed me - please, don't ever for a minute do that to yourself! Things will be different than what we hoped, what we planned, but we can make it great!
Please don't be surprised if your stbx's remorse morphs to open hostility at some point - as a whole, they are more upset that they have been caught than about anything immoral that they have done, or who they have hurt. My x is still angry at me, since I epitomize his failure - I am the constant reminder that he ISN'T the great and wonderful man that so many thought him to be for so long.
65# FINALLY!!! Why do I still feel like [censored] then? I hate him for being so... nice and validating and "yes you have the right to say anything, you are right, I was an dumbass", etc etc What does that do for me? NOTHING!!!
She changed her password after 5 days of shock. I blocked her account again. Just to make her feel "violated". DONT YOU DARE ANYONE tell me I am being mean/low/ etc etc...!!!!!
I am not surprised you are angry, he was ADAMANT there was noone else. I think he really didnt want to lose you, thats why he lied so much, partly because he wanted his cake and eat it, but also (remembering what I felt).. that he genuinely didnt want you to leave him. BUT, he also wanted the excitement of the A and the reliability of his W who loved him. You said you told him...
"if you are in love, no use trying this, think of our kids, think of me and just lets divorce on friendly terms..." I must have said that AND mentioned her in specific for at least 30 times...
but the way I see it is, he wasnt in love with her. If he had of been, he would have been done with you and moved towards D and been happy. She was just an A... thats why she is going nuts, thats why he ended it.
Wierd, you said the monk said that he would remarry hey. Maybe its time to go see him again!?
It must have been awful to see all of those emails and pictures, those graphic images will stay with you, as you say. But I dont blame you for trawling through it all, wanting to know all the details, I would have too.. as justification, vindication that you were NOT going mad and your intuition was right all along. Still, if someone is determined to lie to you and conceal things, what can you do? He took control of you, in that you didnt have all the information you needed, now you have the evidence it frees you up to make good decisions for yourself and let him go.
Interesting what you said about the last 13 years being "sick" and not what love is .. remember what I said to you about Pluto? Going through your house of M for the past 12/13 years (now departed). Pluto through your 7th is, you are right, not what love is. Plutos form of love is about control, power, s*x, s*x games, subjugation, lies, taboos, dark secrets, depths, passion, infedility and... transformation. I think you are right to say you will never have another love like that again, that next time you will know. Remember the myth of pluto I told you? You were the flower thats been wilting and wilting and finally just been yanked out of its pot ready for a healthier pot to grow into !
Sorry I cant help more, wish I was there to lie in the sun alongside you and listen, Love Al xx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I am just getting back to reality here after the death of my mother to find this. It is not so surprising as you have felt "something" all along was amiss. It seems after your trip last year it shook his foundation and he jumped into trying to get you not to move forward in anyway. That said it really looks like H is very confused and from the sounds of it that he was seeming to try to get out of it but didn't know how? She sounds like a major pursorer (sp?) Lame I know. I am sorry you got the gory details.... I too had the privy (skype conversations on a found memory stick) .... the whole thing makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit.
There is not much I can say to comfort you as this may seem to be the final blow. However, having this blow up in his face may also be the kick in the ass he needs. I dont' remember your H ever seeming happy during all of this.... especailly in the last year or so.
You sound as if you are doing as well as expected and know that we all love you and support you and wish we could all be there to hug you and lift you up and then Kick his *ss while you watch..... hhhmmm anger does feel good after sadness for so long doesn't it?
Take Care my far away friend!
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Strangely, they often do this when they want the affair to end, not the marriage.
I totally disagree with this statement. I think it's the other way around. They don't have the guts to end it so subconsciously they want YOU to do the ugly part. "You filed, not me."
Originally Posted By: Donna Found
Please don't be surprised if your stbx's remorse morphs to open hostility at some point
Totally agree with this. I wish to post something that was posted by Iamlost on her thread several months ago about cognitive dissonance
Quote:
The engine that drives self-justification, the energy that produces the need to justify our actions and decisions — especially the wrong ones — is an unpleasant feeling that Festinger called "cognitive dissonance." Cognitive dissonance is a state of tension that occurs whenever a person holds two cognitions (ideas, attitudes, beliefs, opinions) that are psychologically inconsistent, such as "Smoking is a dumb thing to do because it could kill me" and "I smoke two packs a day." Dissonance produces mental discomfort, ranging from minor pangs to deep anguish; people don't rest easy until they find a way to reduce it. In this example, the most direct way for a smoker to reduce dissonance is by quitting. But if she has tried to quit and failed, now she must reduce dissonance by convincing herself that smoking isn't really so harmful, or that smoking is worth the risk because it helps her relax or prevents her from gaining weight (and after all, obesity is a health risk, too), and so on. Most smokers manage to reduce dissonance in many such ingenious, if self-deluding, ways.
...Thanks to the revisionist power of memory to justify our decisions, by the time many couples divorce, they can't remember why they married. It's as if they have had a nonsurgical lobotomy that excised the happy memories of how each partner once felt toward the other. Over and over we have heard people say, "I knew the week after the wedding I'd made a terrible mistake." "But why did you have three children and stay together for the next twenty-seven years?" "Oh, I don't know; I just felt obligated, I guess."...And the pitiless remark said by many a departing spouse after twenty or thirty years, "I never loved you."
The cruelty of that last particular lie is commensurate with the teller's need to justify his or her behavior...
When the divorce is wrenching, momentous, and costly, and especially when one partner wants the separation and the other does not, both sides will feel an amalgam of painful emotions. On addition to the anger, anguish, hurt and grief that almost inevitable accompany divorce, these couples will also feel the pain of dissonance.
...If you are the one who is leaving, you also have dissonance to reduce, to justify the pain you are inflicting on someone you once loved. Because you are a good person, and a good person doesn't hurt another, your partner must have deserved your rejection, perhaps even more than you realized. Observers of divorcing couples are often baffled by what seems like unreasonable vindictiveness on the part of the person who initiated the separation; what they are observing is dissonance in action. A friend of ours, lamenting her son's divorce, said: "I don't understand my DIL. She left my son for another man who adores her, but she won't marry him or work full-time just so that my son has to keep paying her alimony. My son has had to take a job he doesn't like to afford her demands. Given that she's the one who left, and that she has another relationship, the way she treats my son seems inexplicable cruel and vengeful." From the DIL's standpoint, however, her behavior towards her ex is perfectly justifiable. If he were such a good guy, she's still be with him, wouldn't she?"
The other phrase that some people use here..is...monstrification.
Hang in Kalni. We all support you. Whatever you do, DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF FOR H'S POOR CHOICES, LYING, LACK OF INTEGRITY AND LEADING YOU ON.
Stay strong. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
---------------------------- Strangely, they often do this when they want the affair to end, not the marriage.---me ------------------------------------ I totally disagree with this statement. I think it's the other way around. They don't have the guts to end it so subconsciously they want YOU to do the ugly part. "You filed, not me."---FIB
---------------------------------------------- We both agree it's gutless, FIB, but I said often, not always. We all come from our own perspectives and/or those close to us. Your scenario is definitely the most common!
However, for some men entrenched in long term affairs the fear of discovery through the OW telling the wife or colleagues who know is enough to cause health problems. At some point many of them get caught on purpose so "mommy" (their wife) can pull the plug and give them the excuse they need to break it off with OW. They are so skewed that they are more afraid of OW (and failing someone else that they risked their family and lifestyle for) than their wives.
That said, it's very clear after Ms. Sunshine's clear explanation and Sara and Michelle's input that this was NOT the case here. Sometimes I get a little instinctual prick when reading and when something seems off I err on the side of putting it out there rather than let it slide if no one else has mentioned it. I think Maria knows that about me by now, so I hope I didn't hurt anything with my wild speculation.
Sunshine... you know my H and I reconciled over two years ago. What you don't know is how hard it is to wipe the picture of them when I walked into their apartment that afternoon when they wouldn't answer the door. Argh. I ceremoniously burned each card I came across. I found just ONE letter from her ripped it to shreds then eventually taped it back together to read again and again. I refuse to go through a town in Pennsylvania that shares her name, and attack anyone with her name in vampire or mob wars (lol). That is crazy. You aren't.
A few months ago I was on a website about a job offer I was considering and actually found that she'd been hired (same company- different location) as their new child care intern. I saw her "mission" statement about the "joy" she was going to make sure she fostered in each child she was in charge of. It reminded me of the day she yelled at me on the phone that I was interfering with their serenity by calling "their" place and the way she cried to my H that he took her joy away so we couldn't have our grill back. It took every fiber of my being not to write that company and beseech them to keep her away from children, or at the very least, their husbands.
My point (yes, darlin' I have one) is that don't you dare think for a second that you are spiteful/mean/low. Your anger is justified and healthy. Mine, probably not so much. You have been the epitome of grace and generosity under fire and have sacrificed enough of your happiness to ensure the health and happiness of others.
Proudly look yourself in the mirror, and into those beautiful kids' eyes, and know you gave him every chance to have the privilege of being the husband, father, and leader of your family. I guarantee he can't do the same.
Thank you thank you thank you... Sandy, I am so very sorry about your mom...
Deauxlie and FIB, I think my stbx is relievd that I foudn out but he didnt have the guts to let it happen. He underestimated me. He would have erased the pics and some "amazing' emails. Also, he wouldnt let me see this was going on since 2006...
When he talks about her now (the first night and during a phonecall) he sounds disgusted with her. He sounds that he doesnt think much of her, talked to my brother today who has been pretty clear about what he thinks (it's over move on). Seeing H's TMs he asked me what will I do. I said I am DIVORCING the bastard. He told me he thinks H got caught in the web of sexual adrenaline (poor language, sorry) and then he moved out but he wasnt happy, he probably figured out a few things thats why he came back but wasnt strong enough to cut it off with her, feeling guilty towards her as well...
What do I do with my anger now that it surfaced? I left her a mesage. Said "we will talk". Just to keep her worrying... K
