It doesn't bother me as much as it used to. Not nearly as much. It seems SOOO disrespectful to treat your husband this way, but as it's been pointed out to me before, she's all about her right now and is not emotionally in our marriage anymore. The last thing that she wants to do is have to explain herself to me.
And here,
Quote:
I might "get it," but it doesn't mean that I have to like it.
You won't like it, and it would be unusual if you did. I understand. This is where the detaching saves you. It doesn't happen overnight. Just have to be strong.
GMA, not only have I had that dream, when I wake up, she really is there next to me... But I can't do a damn thing! BTW, oddly enough, lately I have been dreaming that I get a huge apology from W and have make up sex, only to discover half way through that I am ML to my first wife! WTF? I must really be screwed up!
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Thanks for your thought and feedback Coach. I've read a lot of what you have said on the boards here and you really seem to have it together.
Since I will have S tonight, I will have to come up with something fun for us to do. (As an added bonus, we'll have to leave before she does and do something fun enough that she will feel like she's missing out.) Primary thing will be to go out and do something for S and myself though.
As far as not "letting" her treat me this way, I'm not sure how else to respone to a text like that. It doesn't phase her a bit if I go out on nights she's home. She generally seems to appreciate being left alone!
I can't ask her where she's going because she says it's "controlling." I can't say anything about her going out 3-4 nights a week because she "needs her freedom" and I'm trying to detach.
Any suggestions?
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Maybe at this point you'll take what you can get. Ha Ha.
My W is on her fourth stint in the extra bedroom. 5 weeks on this time. The last few months when we were sleeping together were basically as roommates anyway.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
My W is on her fourth stint in the extra bedroom. 5 weeks on this time. The last few months when we were sleeping together were basically as roommates anyway.
I got you beat there - been sleeping alone since April 20. There are others here with a lot longer stints than that.
But, the pillows are starting to look "attractive."
Where does your W go when she "needs her freedom"?
Detached means you let go of the outcome. Detached does not mean you are a doormat and don't set boundaries. Boundaries are when behavior is unacceptable. Knowing where your wife is going to be is not controlling, her response to you would be unacceptable to me.
You need to start leading.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
My W spent a total of 2 nights on the couch since we stopped being intimate, and that was over a month ago. We have been in the same bed for the duration, and it is difficult. I have to stagger my bedtime to hers, I go before her to be asleep when she gets in, or less desireably, crawl in after she is asleep. But every night I am reminded of what I am missing when I see her lying there in our marital bed.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Where does your W go when she "needs her freedom"?
Detached means you let go of the outcome. Detached does not mean you are a doormat and don't set boundaries. Boundaries are when behavior is unacceptable. Knowing where your wife is going to be is not controlling, her response to you would be unacceptable to me.
You need to start leading.
She usually goes to her girlfriend's house. She has gone out to dinner with friends, hung out at a neighbor's house etc. For awhile, she was hitting bars and drinking A LOT. Thankfully that has calmed down. I have no idea where she's going tonight. If I were to ask, she would throw a fit.
I may know that it's not controlling, and you know that it's not controlling, but she doesn't. If I tell her my opinion, or ask her to do something differently she says that I am "coercing" or "manipulating" her. Powerful words. Fighting it does not work. I'm trying to "stop doing things that don't work."
Thoughts?
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
