I was supposed to get divorced tomorrow - part 2

[1853dave]

I think I'm having an off day or two... I just don't "feel" as though things are improving still. Maybe I'm expecting too much at this point. Nothing bad has happened, but the last two interactions with W have been only ok... I didn't offer her a hug yesterday, and she seemed perfectly fine with it. Maybe it's just me, maybe it's my attitude today. I really hate when I'm at the home and it's time for me to go, and W tells the girls, "OK, say goodbye to Daddy..." as though I was leaving to go off to work for a while... I hate to see how the kids have actually become accustomed to this. I think that's what really bothers me. When I leave, I hear the deadbolt lock behind me. That sound is like a knife in my back and in my heart. I remind everyone here that this is also MY condo, I'm the only one with income in the family, the court set up temp financial orders that make me give my wife 85% of my paycheck, I'm basically working everyday and financing W's summer vacation with the kids, and when I want the kids I have to "borrow" them from the W. It sure feels like it anyway.

I'm taking tomorrow off and will be taking the kids up to the mountains for some horseback riding. I wanted to do this Friday, as it's easier for me to take a Friday off, but I mistakenly told W that I wanted to take "a day off this week, towards the end of the week" and she told me she'd have to check and see what was going on with the girls this week. So, as it's been for a long time now, she checks with her other friends to see what they are planning with the kids, and I ALWAYS get what's leftover. It's really starting to grind on me. So, instead of Friday, it turns out Thursday was the only day they were free, after everyone else's schedules were determined.

What hurts most of all is that she always confers and collaberates schedules with her friend "C", who seems to be more of W's husband than I am. "C" is a married woman who has a daughter D9's age. So, as long as what I want to do doesn't interfere with everyone else's plans (especially if it involve's "C's" daughter), then I can do something with the girls. I can't help but think that things would go much better if "C" would just take her family and move away. Far away.

"C" by the way is the woman who helped W hide credit cards from me for a year, all the while smiling at me while she knew her dirty deed. I feel sorry for her H, because although they are still married, I can't help but think how he can't be satisfied in his marriage. She's THE BOSS in that family, and he works two (sometimes 3) good paying jobs to pay for their fancy home, etc... He's almost never home to have dinner with the family (their D tells me this) and whenever we all meet in public his playtime is limited because he always has to go in to work at night. Of course, his W is a stay at home mom who wouldn't have it any other way. Not the best influence for my W, I think...

I could use some words of encouragement. This has been a roller-coaster, and I'm hitting a bottom again. I know it's probably just temporary, but I'm basically homeless again, I get to keep maybe $350 a month after I pay the W (I get to give her over $3200/mo) and a couple of other bills the court ordered me to pay (they courts themselves are criminal I believe). I am staying with my parents right now which is ok, but not where I want to be, and because of this I now commute over an hour a day - which is even less time I can spend with my kids, or doing things for myself.

In the mean time, W is having a ball while on summer vacation with the kids.

I often ask myself "What in the world did I do to deserve all of this?"

I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this.