I like your plan Julia. Getting them to call seems like a real hurdle. My xh rarely calls. Emails & texts are definitely safer, for them because there is so limited connection. Keep up the good work & positive PMA!!
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
Some interesting stuff here. I think changing the means of communication could change the dynamic and is a good way to test the waters and see if he becomes more proactive. You seem to be looking at the bigger picture which will give a better insight – it’s all too easy to get bogged down with the nitty gritty isn’t it. And if it doesn’t appear to be working you can always retreat to email and build up again.
Don’t stress about what’s happening with the OW (out of your control), in some ways if they do set up home together the honeymoon period will be over quicker and the rose tinted’s will be off which could led him to question what/why/how and so on. If he’s unsettled now and moves in with her and is still unsettled he’ll hopefully look within himself and come to realize that the problem isn’t just you or his job it’s him and his head. I’m probably jumping the gun a bit here though – I do tend to race off a bit.
J, love the way you are so intuitive and flexible in your thinking. I think this is a great initiative and if it's not successful you can quickly revert back to the email. Good luck.
(((Michelle))) I wish I'd listened to my intuition re ow! Sometimes it is waaay off though, like the instinct to pursue. That force is strong in me
(((GAG))) Welcome! How lovely to have you read along and thank you for your thoughtful and helpful post. I feel honoured by your kind words
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, it has helped because in my head I had a time frame of about a week in which to experiment. I now realise I need to give this longer to work and I need to do this properly. It is hard and scary because I seem to suffer with separation anxiety with h, which leads to feeling down, so I need to prepare myself that this may happen again and work hard on keeping up that PMA.
Jody is my DB coach too and is fantastic. It is so great talking to her and what she says always makes so much sense and is usually an aspect of things I had not considered. And I will keep in mind your reassurance that I can always fall back into my safety zone of email again.
You said
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Interestingly, after 4 weeks, H began replying very quickly (within 20-60 minutes) to my e-mails and text messages.
Does this mean that you did initiate some, or was this just a response to him?
It is so helpful to hear your experience! Thank you for posting.
(((T))) My cello playing friend! That's so funny you signed your emails Transformer lol! How is your summer going? Your support means so much. I love coming to my thread and seeing that you have visited. One day our cello/ recorder groove will happen!
(((Ms M))) I was wondering how you've been. I wonder what it is about our voices that are so scary? Who knows! The one time my h did call me he was so apologetic!
(((Bonny))) Unfortunately he is already living with OW. They rent a place together. My thing is that I reckon he is going to buy somewhere. That would be really annoying. He is spontaneous and does things without considering the consequences. He does things because it is right there and now. I am kind of relying on the fact that he constantly has to be changing something and can't just be settled. If he stops it'll mean he has to take a look at himself. I don't see him buying somewhere as a sign of permanence as I know him but it would be irritating.
(((Cas))) Thank you Sending over a virtual cup of tea and a biscuit and hoping you are feeling better!
Julia and transformer, thank you for your warm welcomes!
To answer your question, the majority of my communication with H over that 5 week period was mutual communication back and forth. We have had a running dialogue since March 2009 when I did a HUGE 180 (left a career I'd spent 20 years building but that gave me far too little free time for my private life and the people I care about). Jody has always encouraged me to show generosity to H and I strongly believe this is one of the main reasons that we have a fairly friendly relationship now. The primary communication change that I made in early July was to delay many but not all of my replies at least 24-72 hours. As I indicated earlier, this process really made me feel depressed. During that time I worked extra, extra hard to GAL. As it turns out, one of my new GAL activities (I've begun cycling with a local cycling club) seems to have piqued H's curiosity. Jody and I aren't certain why, but it will be interesting to see how that affects the dynamic. I don't know what will happen in my sitch, but if you don't change something, nothing will change, will it?
I decided to try to change the distancer-pursuer dynamic after listening to Harville Hendrix' CD "Finding and Keeping Love" (my favorite of the 3 CDs I've listened to of theirs). I realized that in our marriage H was the maximizer (i.e. pursuer) and I was the minimizer (i.e.distancer) but since the separation the roles have been reversed. I thought that if H was predisposed to being a pursuer, he might return to that role if I could provide an adequate trigger for that behavior to return.
BTW, Jody also said that dropping the rope in this way, by delaying your responses to H, is a way to see if there is some form of reciprocity in the relationship. I would think that it is hard to judge a negative response by H though if you don't have day-to-day knowledge of his schedule, because he may have big deadlines to meet at work or other responsibilities (e.g. broken car, sick parent) that could slow responses.
GAG, thank you! Your posts are so helpful and it is so good to have your support at this scary time.
I will keep up not taking things personally as to why I am not hearing from h. I feel I am in better shape at the moment to drop the rope in this way now I know that I have presented a normal and good version of me not the slightly unhinged, devastated person he saw the last time I did this (this time last year).
I can see from your post that I'm going to have to GAL to my fullest. My goal for when I moved back to London was to meet new people and try new things. It will also help me not to be reminded of my sitch.
H is firmly in OW fog at the moment. Everything is new and exciting. New job, new flat (again!), lots of money - he has already spent half of his money from the house in paying off credit cards/ debts and on new toys/ meals, and first class trips to New York for him and OW (glad to see she is paying her way!!). I had to check our bank account to see if my name had been removed and I had a peek. It has made me wholly glad that I have my portion which is still fully intact. If I said the amount he has spent I think many of you would be very, very shocked.
For my GAL plans I have found a walking association. They are a group of twenty to thirty something’s that walk in and around London. My first walk is on Saturday, so I am really looking forward to that as I love walking and they also include a pub stop I have also booked fencing lessons starting in September which is very exciting. I have found myself becoming depressed over the past few days so I know I need to deal with that - I think GAL is the answer. I have also started swimming again which is my first love and I had stopped so I hope this will make me feel better and get into better shape. I'm also going to look into some art stuff and some music groups.
I can't control h and his life but I can control mine. I can't be fobbed off all the time; it is not good for the PMA. I can't compete with this fog so I am not going to try. I have to trust that when he is ready he will make an effort.
Julia, your wonderful positive attitude will prevail! You are so right about controlling only you!
Love the walking club. I walk with a group and it is so much more motivating especially on those cold mornings when it's tempting to hit snooze and get a little more sleep. We don't usually do pub stops but we have coffee on Fridays and breakfast once a month.
You would laugh if you saw my attempts at walking now though...I have the stoop and shuffle of an 80 year old......I have improved though, it was a 95 year old just last week. My goal is to get around the block by next Friday. I am going to the surgeon tomorrow so that's another positive milestone. I can get the white stockings off.... I've been texting my friends in boredom making up advertisements for the stockings. Actually think they'd be great to keep you warm in London!!
Not taking his lack of contact personally is the way to go, well done, definitely helps the PMA.
I wonder does he see the new improved you or is he still thinking of you in terms of how you were a year ago. Does he notice and remark on the changes. I know DB is about showing the other half your changes rather than telling them, but I do sometimes wonder if it’s noticed. Have any mutual friends noticed and maybe pointed it out to your H? This happened to me and my H was peeved to say the least.
No, he has seen it for sure! Whenever I have met him I have looked the best I can, been self confident, talked lots about work - something he can relate to and measures worth my. So different to a year ago where I cried on him in a cafe! Hearing things through friends isn't a bad thing but he has to see it. Even if he is asking through your kids, if you are GALing it will get back to him, might even spike his interest.
Hey Cas Sounds like you are on the mend! And the stockings would come in handy. I am in jeans and long sleeves today - in August!!!!!!! Grrrr! Hope it goes well with the surgeon tomorrow.
