Hey S, family shower sounds like fun. You did the right thing not asking him if it meant coming home in November. No pressure while he is figuring this out.
Just remember, no expectations or you set yourself up for disappointment.
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
I'm trying. There are still some things I wonder about, but I just don't ask anymore. When we are together, which is more often than ever before and the time together is more affectionate and intimate, I've decided I just can't ask anymore. My insides can't take it.
Monday night he got a phone call from a guy named Mike. Not sure who he is, but he sounded happy to hear from him. We were in bed closing out the day. He said to Mike "My wife....". He hasn't called me his "wife" in a long time. Normally, I'm my given name or "the mother of my child".
I had my interview yesterday. It went very well. Told H about it and he's excited.
We also had some random couple come look at our house, which we've thought about listing. We'd like to get rid of it and move. Not exactly the best time to do such, but we'll see. They seemed quite interested but have their own place they need to sell.
If this job were to work out, it's be for more money which is always good. We could use the help....but who couldn't?
While H and I were talking last night, I asked him "What did you mean when you said you thought you'd have it all figured out by November?" He said that he thought a year would/should be enough time to figure out his life. (He left at the end of November) He mentioned again he wished he could go back a year and relive this past one again. I told him if he needed time to figure things out, maybe putting a time limit on such wasn't a good idea, to take the time he needed. He said he was good and thought November would be ample time. I didn't ask if that means he was coming home or what it meant for us, I just left it pretty general, like he did.
But day 8, no fights. It's sad that it's such a big deal to go 8 days and no fights with your husband!
And installing the filter was a lot less painful than I thought it would be.
But honestly, I know it's not supposed to matter but the fact that he has cut off contact with OW outside of work makes me feel sooooooo much better and helps add to my calmer demeanor and my ability to take things in stride.
I'm sure there will be some more calls, but I'm more confident now that he's over it and if there is a call it's pretty much nothing.
Also, IC....what my C said was pretty big....and made quite the impact on me.
I am. It's all such a chore some days and then on others it doesn't even cross my mind, the issues between us. Weird how you adjust.
But things have been good, we've got the momentum going and I hope to keep it that way.
I've also got lots of other crap going on right now, like the job interview that went very well and I'm actually really interested in the job and possibly selling the house. H is going to be there with us this weekend and we're going to start painting the walls and the ceilings.
We've always been a good team for manual labor type things. We tiled our house. That sucked but we got it done and it looks wonderful.
Hello All, Here's something I posted to another DBer but I wanted to share it with everyone. I think it will give us all the hope we need to keep making changes to ourselves as WE see necessary and makes US happy. And I think it gives us hope that as we make our changes, it makes our spouses make changes.
Below are two abbreviated emails from my H. The first is from April when he was asking me to "just sign the damn papers" and I continued to refuse on the grounds we never sought professional help. And frankly, it's not what I wanted.
W, I don't want to fix things.
That's the thing that is most sh!tty, that I feel sh!tty about, but it is what it is. I don't want to fix anything. Too much has happened, too much has gone on, and I don't want it anymore. No more "discussions". Just no more.
We can still do things with S together. We can still do things together. But I don't want to fix anything. I'm ready for it to end. It already has ended and I don't want to start anything over again.
I'm sorry it's come to this, I really am. But it is here. And it's got nothing to do with anyone else but me and you. I am not in love. Being in love is super important to me. I am not. And too much sh!t has happened where I'm not going to be able to get there with you again. We can be friends, we should be friends. Not just for S but for us. But that's it. It's time to go forward with the divorce. Tell me what you want and lets iron out the details and lets get it done.
I am sorry. Really and truly.
I continued to GAL and work on me. I continued to explain I would not sign. I continued on my path as best I could and tried hard to adhere to the amazing advice I was getting here and working on things with my therapist, to make changes to me that I knew I needed to make. (Mostly my temper and how I was reacting to things.)
During this time, I got some amazing perspective from my mother, who is Buddist. She said she saw her fortune teller who told her "H will be back when the season gets cold." I sort of laughed and said "Mom, I live in Florida." With slight frustration, she said "You know what he means. You understand the time frame." But she went on to say think about it, if you knew 100% that H was going to come back, how would you act right now? What would you be doing? She said you would be living and laughing and doing whatever you wanted to do. You would play with S, have fun with friends, work, play tennis, exercise and all the while laughing at his bs as it happened because you know it will end. You would live. Basically she told me to Act As If, but this was a different way of explaining it to me and I finally "got it".
Here's another email from July from H.
i am trying. i am trying to figure out what is the best thing to do with my life - kind of a scary place to be right now. i am saying that just as you need to work on sh!t on your own, i do too. we've been good for a while b/c you did stop bringing it up...(R talks) and b/c i'm still trying to figure out what's the best thing for me to do for the long haul. i know what others tell me to do. i've seen (a little too close up) what happens when you let other people sway your opinion about this stuff. that's not going to be me. so i'm going to do this at my own speed. if that's not good enough for you, i'll understand. that'll make the decision for me. but you were right about 1 thing... i want to be sure. i have always wanted to be sure. maybe my actions and decisions were a little too influenced by others leading up to this. so i need to figure this out for myself right now. i do know that i am looking forward to taking you to dinner (at the beach) for your birthday. i did have a nice time with you last weekend. since you've been a little more "interested and involved" i like staying with you more and i have always liked sleeping in the same bed with you - especailly now that you let me cuddle up more... but i still can't trust that all that isn't bullsh!t. i still can't trust that it wont all crumble in a second. so i still am not sure. and it's going to take time to get sure. i don't want to fight with you. i know you're not happy about things i did. i know you need to decide for yourself too. so let's just leave all this in the box and bury that sh!t really deep in the forest behind the house and not go dig it up ever again. i think that will start us in the right direction to figure out what we each need and really want.
you and me being really real, that is what will help us out... kay?
if this makes you angry, i'm sorry... but i don't want to talk anymore. not with you, not with anyone. i just want it all to stop.
My birthday weekend was AWESOME and it was all because of him. And that made it even better.
There have been more emails and conversations about how he wants to keep working, at his pace and figuring things out, at his pace. I don't want to put my H out there on this board, but I think it would be important for you to see what can happen when you work on you AND you really really listen to them. Not to say I haven't screwed up since getting this email and I haven't had blow ups with him, I have. BUT things are SO much better now. As Mach1 says, I was finally able to "install the filter".
One of the changes I've made for me that benefits him.....he said I stopped being fun. I asked for examples....I thought about what he said. I thought about what he said and how it would intertwine with what I wanted to do FOR ME.
One thing I've done....I've really spiced things back up for us on a personal level. It was something I did before we had our S. It was something I stopped after S was born. I used the excuse that I was tired or just not in the mood. Basically, I took away something from him that he really enjoyed. But I brought it back because I realize I TOOK IT AWAY FROM MYSELF!! I enjoyed that part of our relationship a lot too. I was depriving me. I'm willing to bring this back into our lives, because I'm willing to do it for the rest of my life.
I also know H would like me to hang out, drink and party more, maybe not like we used to before S, but more. This is something he's going to have to deal with because that's just not something I'm willing to do for the rest of my life. And again, I'm not really sure what he would like in this aspect of our lives because I don't plan to ask....I don't know what would constitute "more". And I don't plan to ask because I don't plan to change per his answer. Drinking on a regular basis like we did before S....it's not something I can do for the rest of my life and it's not something I want to do just for right now to "save my marriage". I like to get a little tipsy once every three or four months. Getting drunk is just NOT a big deal for me. Every now and then, it's a release. But doing it too often, it's a bad dangerous habit. I think we could be on the same page there, or I hope we are. He hasn't brought it up either and he's not held me down and made me do a beer bong!
And for all of you combating the OP.....this is important for you. Last week my therapist gave me a great analogy. (Apparently that's how I need things explained to me.) In terms of the OW, I wish she had said this to me MONTHS ago.... "W, you are like a lion. You roar. You can sit there and roar the truth at H all you want. But all he hears is yelling. He's not hearing anything you say, he only knows there's yelling and arguing AGAIN. But then OW comes along, slitering like the snake she is and whispers lies through her split tongue....smiling. And he listens because he's relaxed and NOT being yelled at. All he knows is he's not being yelled at....so he rather listen to lies than have the truth yelled at him.....stop roaring. Stop yelling."
News Reporter? Awesome! Funny story... about a news reporter...
In my sorority there was this older "sistah" that was from my hometown. Long story short, she attempted to befriend me shortly after I accepted my bid. For some reason she rubbed me the wrong way. Over a couple of months, during pledging, she turned full blown MAJOR RUB THE WRONG WAY. I move into the house second semester (Freshman year, just finished pledging), and GUESS WHO I AM STUCK WITH NEXT DOOR TO MY ROOM? THE SISTAH! Eeeek! Well, we end up having some event one night, I (shock) get a little buzzed, and (probably started it) got into a bit of a verbal confrontation with her. Apparently, she thought I had slept with her boyfriend. Well, (unbeknownst - sp - to me) right after curfew we were required to sit in in a very quiet MEETING in the living room of the house. And, after sitting in my room for a few minutes, came out into the hall, HELL ON WHEELS, and SCREAMED.... "You think I slept with your ass-faced boyfriend, NOT. I'd never touch ANYONE, I mean, ANYTHING that's touched you first!" THE SISTAH was not even in her room, but heard, as our room was just over the landing of the living room, WHERE THE REST OF THE GIRLS WERE WAITING FOR ME TO START THEIR MEETING! The room mom promptly marched up, grabbed me by the ear, and BOY did I hear it.
Fast forward 5 years... I'm sitting down to eat dinner, turn on the news... GUESS WHOSE UGLY HEAD is now the (my fave station) NEWS ANCHOR! THE FREAKIN' SISTAH!
Sorry, back to your regularly scheduled thread!
So, awesome job! How fun! My D18 is considering a Communications Major (NOT because it was my idea) since she has decided she looks great on film. Uhhhh OK???!!!
Great job on the M and R trekk... You are so patient and methodical! I can understand about being a little "colorful." I need to work on that that within myself (anger showing) a bit.
Keep on, keepin' on!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
