The way I see it is that I have to take greater control of my life.
The issue with letting my wife control the finances is a good example. My mum has always said this isn't right but I've let her because I figure if I get my own stuff - weekly exercise / sport & watching my footy team on tv - I'll let her get everything else.
I think I should have set better boundaries and been more active in trying to get her to do stuff for herself more. I think in some ways this whole episode is because of this - she hasn't felt she does enougth for herself and is now going extreme in doing whatever she wants. I also think that this is typical teenager behaivour because she simply hasn't developed emotionally into an adult.
It is going to be a long long journey. I have to be very careful about upsetting her because if for example I state I want greater control of the finances she will go off her nana. Now all I can do is do things for myself that do not impact her. I'm basically a baby sitter that allows her to go out when she pleases but as everyone on here has stated that has to occur for the time being.
Some one here posted about being a doormat - well that is not good for the self-esteem however on the flip side it will probably make me more humble.
Things I've done / will do this week: 1. Go to Buddhism classes this week. 2. Go to counselling. 3. Get hair cut. 4. Buy some new clothes. 5. Exercise at home - at least I know I'm losing weight. 6. No Sport - until I get my head on straight 7. Relax & read more. 8. Go through "no more mr nice guy" philosophy and try and see what I should do to change myself.
Basically with her changing so much I'll probably do the same. The only difference I see is that my belief is that she has done stuff without thinking it through. I'm going to try and do things slowly and calmly.
She says she wants a seperation which I think is a good idea - I'd like her to leave but she won't.
I'm really thinking all posters on here that keep putting up with this are amazing.
Someone wrote you feel like a doormat at times and thats how I feel. I mean what sane person puts up with what is going on and I bet it gets worse.
As for not talking to anyone I find that very hard. Its like I need to let it out.
Steve, I need to get to the grocery store so I will be quick (quick for me, anyway!).
DO NOT let her persuade you to move out of your home! She has no right to do so whatsoever. I don't know anything about the legalities where you are, but I hear that in general you can't be forced out legally except in D process.
Yes, thanks, we ARE all amazing! <bows> We just wish that were as clear to our WAS's as it is to everyone else!
Yes, it will get worse. I hate to have to say that, but you can take it to the bank. You have to choose your battles, or you will have total WWIII on your hands.
As for talking to other people, I know exactly what you mean...I was pretty indiscriminate in who I talked to--I almost felt like it was a compulsion for me to talk about it to anyone who said, "Hi, how are you?" That was a bad choice, which I now regret. Not saying don't talk to anyone, just be very careful who you say what to. Find a few people in your RL who you are sure you can trust, preferably professionals (C, minister, etc.), and let it all out with them. With the exception of professionals who have to follow strict privacy rules, you have to keep in mind that anything you say MIGHT get back to your WAS, so you have to be extremely careful. You will have friends and family members who will be totally loyal and supportive to you...but at the beginning, you don't know which friends/family will fall into that category, so you have to be careful what you say, because people you thought would be on your side may turn out to be totally the opposite. I have had it happen to me, and so have a lot of others here. I just don't want you to get burned.
Also...although I am all about men and women having an equal say about financial matters that affect them, I would be very cautious about letting her have total control of the finances right now, because this much I know: MLCers go through money like alcoholics go through beer. And they often blow huge wads of it on OP. My H spent a FULL TENTH of his gross income on OW in the first year of their R. Not net income...the share that went to OW came out to about 1/8 of our total net household income that year; I'm pretty sure H spent at least twice as much on OW as we spent total for all 3 of our "fur children" (cats), who actually live here in the household and have a right to our financial care of them. You will not believe how much money MLCers squander until you see it yourself, so don't get all "domineering H," but be extremely careful about handing over the purse strings to her. Maybe you could come up with a budget that allows each of you an equal amount every month to spend without accounting to the other, I dunno...even that is tricky under the circumstances.
Well, I said this was going to be quick, so I am stopping the flow of advice and going to get some groceries now!
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
I am seeing the funny side atm. I was thinking I should video tape her phone conversations and post them on the internet - seriously it is the funniest thing you will ever see.
Also I don't think she really knows whether see wants to be in the relationship or out. Its sort of like she wants to act like a madwomen, see the kids when it suits her, do whatever she wants but she doesn't want a divorce just yet and she isn't leaving the house unless she is going out till all hours. I don't think it is really about me - if I had just let her act like a madwoman I don't think there would be this tension. In saying that when someone appears to be crazy and that person is your wife you tend to say something.
It'll be interesting how this develops over the next couple of months.
I also like the idea about working on yourself. In a way that is what my wife is trying to do (unless she gets diagnosed with a mental illness which wouldn't surprise me).
FYI ?
She isn't tryin, she is doin....
Originally Posted By: Steve_73
I think I should have set better boundaries and been more active in trying to get her to do stuff for herself more. I think in some ways this whole episode is because of this - she hasn't felt she does enougth for herself and is now going extreme in doing whatever she wants. I also think that this is typical teenager behaivour because she simply hasn't developed emotionally into an adult.
No you don't........
Boundaries are for YOU and you alone. They are for when YOU have had enough of the behaviour , and it is affecting you and your children.....This is what I mean my Protecting them and their best interest. SHE has to do this, but you get to as well.
There is a certain amount of crap served up to you now that you have to eat...DO NOT just start picking any lame-ass excuse to start laying them down...Especially when they don't affect you directly.
Just make sure she speaks to you in a normal tone of voice, and doesn't talk you down in front of your children....
Did I mention ( or anyone else) that MLC'ers lie ?
You know the truth, and that is all that matters right now.....
Don't go all tryin to explain it to everyone....Come here to vent your frustrations...
You, right now, have the ability to do the things that YOU always wanted to do for you. You get to find yourself without all the insanity in your head......
Believe me, you don't ever want to know the confusion that a MLC'er is going through...
What she is doing is completely justifiable to her, she HAS to do this to find happiness.
Have you ever heard that you hurt the ones you love the most, the most ?
Think of this that way......
What YOU do from this day forward will affect your future relationship with her.
And although there are no guarantees in this, what you do, say, and especially act, will affect the outcome of this.
Google a chinese bamboo tree, and think about your situation that way...
What you need to now, if you are committed to this stand, is to really take that hard look in the mirror, and understand what YOU did to affect the demise of this relationship.
I see all of your lists, and they are good, but let me see more about you, and less focus on what SHE is doing/ did/ is gonna do......
Cause frankly, I don't care about your old marriage....
What I care about is YOU, and you being able to look yourself in the eye, and your children in the eye one day and know that you did everything you could for this to work out.
Regret is a whole lot harder to live with than failure....
If you DB for the right reasons, and save yourself, then you will never fail...
Your marriage may not survive, but you will not fail you and your children...
Steve, here's the thing. You have been hit with something you didnt see coming. So, it is normal to be feeling all sorts of things - anger, sadness, shock, disappointment.
And that's ok. But, you dont want to get too bogged down in all that because it just gets in the way of doing what you need to do.
So, first things first. Right now, your wife is on a journey. It's her journey so you are not going to understand it and that's ok. You dont really have to. You just need to let her walk it.
But the really great thing (yes, great)is you are on a journey now, too. So, start walking.
The most important thing is to take care of you and your children. Make sure you eat, sleep, exercise. Make sure they are taken care of.
Then, look inside. Figure out the things about you that you want to change. A good way to start is to look at your marriage and think about the things that werent good and then figure out your part in those. Once you do, then, you can begin to change those parts of yourself.
Next, figure out what parts of your life arent as fulfilling as they could be. Then work on those.
All the while you are doing this stuff, remember to allow your wife to do her stuff.
Now, that doesnt mean she gets to treat you however she wants to. It just means to get out of the way of her journey.
Treat her the way you want to be treated.
I cannot promise you your marriage will be saved. I can promise you that you will come out of this a better, stronger person and someone your children could look at with respect.
You people are keeping me sane and have a much better insight into this than other people I talk too.
Your right I have done plenty to make the relationship what it is today and I can do plenty to improve on myself.
My wife went to counselling today even though I get the impression she didn't want too. I'm viewing counselling as a way to work on my issues and her to work on her issues and then see what happens. I need to understand what I have done to cause this and therefore what I should be doing to improve on myself. She needs help in a major way.
Your right in that in some ways I don't have to worry about her at all now and I can focus on myself. Its a little like a clean slate from which to build from.
She came home & told me she hadn't been going out that much & that there was nothing else wrong. It was all my reaction to it that was wrong and now because she can't stand me she is going out more often. Basically it is all my fault.
Her voice changing, internet / texting / on the phone constantly when at home, kids not getting any focus, hardly any cooking / cleaning, going out 1 per week till 2-4 am plus another night till 10-12 for 6 weeks in a row. During all this time I'd been taking care of the kids. Now the only difference is that she takes the kids out with her once per week and goes out by herself 2 times per week till 2-4 minimum.
Prior to that she also never went out in her opinion - however in reality she has always has gone out - it just hasn't been every week. It has been once every couple of months she has gone out late to which I never had a problem. She has also gone out for dinner / coffee reguarly and there was never any problem.
Geez its hard dealing with the revisionist history.
As long as you can distinguish what is live and what is memorex, you'll be just fine. Allow her talk all she wants, i.e., whether she's rewriting history or not. She needs to know that you are going to listen, affirm and validate her feelings. Apparently she didn't have much of this as a child. Please do not argue w/her when talking to you about how she feels. Remember...her perceptions is warped right now and what she sees and feels is very real to her.
Continue to focus on you and your children. Give God a chance to work on her a bit.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
