I made sure I got home later than usual. Shen I got home, W and S7 were playing in his room. She greeted me with something along the lines of "Hi, if you take over here, I will go get dinner started." Inside I was asking myself "WTF? Last night you told me you were filing this week to follow your "path" and now it's 'I'll go get dinner ready?'"
Totally normal. You are not the only one on a rollercoaster (detaching will get you off of it and then you can just watch her on it). Now that she seems to be going up, expect the down soon.
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In the past I would have pushed to find out what was really going on in there. Now I'll just play along. After my backsliding this weekend, I want to detach, give space and GAL for a while.
Good. Very good. Act like nothing is wrong. In fact, you are the happiest person around her. Just b/c you are. Fake it at first if you have to.
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W is planning a trip to see family this weekend. She is taking S7. This never happened before the Bomb. We always went as a family. Part of my 180 was to say sure, go ahead, have fun. In an effort to get a little space from my backsliding I told her I was OK with them heading out a few days early if she wanted to.
Good here as well. Now, find something you have wanted to do when she's gone but you have not been able to. Get outdoors, go for a hike, play golf, go fishing. Something, anything. Stay busy and have fun.
And when she's gone, don't call, txt or email, unless it is to talk to son, and then only once a day (I chose night, just before bed when W went out of town with the kids the 1st time after the bomb). If SHE calls you, cool. Just let HER be the one who initiates.
I've gotten a lot better at not calling, leaving it alone (recent weekend aside), etc...
My damn impatience has gotten to me though. It seemed like we were drifting further apart. I wanted to send her little funny texts...try to be her friend. She REALLY doesn't want me to be her friend right now though. She just wants to be left alone.
Odd. She's talked about feeling lonely. She's locked herself in our extra bedroom ("her" room now) and complained about being lonely!...when our son and I were right downstairs.
Her friend has told her that she creates her own problems. I sucks to be where I(most of us on this site) are, but honestly I would imagine that it would suck more to be in her shoes.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Her friend has told her that she creates her own problems. I sucks to be where I(most of us on this site) are, but honestly I would imagine that it would suck more to be in her shoes.
Neither are good, but you have a plan.
I can relate to the patience issue - I have had to work on that A LOT. But, once you realize time is your friend (even though it doesn't seem that way), it gets a lot easier.
Unfortunately, SHE has to work hrough her issues. No one else (not you or her firned(s)) can do it for her.
Just use this time to improve you so you will be ready for whatever comes your way.
Her friend can't help her work through the issues, but than God her friend's not a toxic friend who is advocating that W runs out on our family.
Absolutely. I can't tell you the time and energy I wasted initially worrying about what my W's friends were telling her she should do. Best to let that go. It is good to know she has friends who aren't helping her out the door though.
I'm just going with it. I decided to watch a movie with my son. She went to her friend's house.
I think this was the third trip to the friend's house today. Oh well, I pretty much roll with it anymore. It leaves me no wonder why she says it seems like there's no spark between us. No wonder, we're hardly in the same room.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Hard to roll with it. She got home at 12:15 last night. Then just texted me that she will be out tonight. Actually just said "can you be home for the night with S after 8." I just said "yep." No asking why. No telling me why.
Argh!!! I'm detaching...I'm detaching.
It doesn't bother me as much as it used to. Not nearly as much. It seems SOOO disrespectful to treat your husband this way, but as it's been pointed out to me before, she's all about her right now and is not emotionally in our marriage anymore. The last thing that she wants to do is have to explain herself to me.
I might "get it," but it doesn't mean that I have to like it.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Then just texted me that she will be out tonight. Actually just said "can you be home for the night with S after 8." I just said "yep." No asking why. No telling me why.
You make plans for yourself and turn the tables on her. "Hey Wife I am going out on Fri and Sat night. You need to stay home."
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It seems SOOO disrespectful to treat your husband this way,
SOOO stop letting her treat you this way. You have a choice in how you handle things.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
